Should I change my plans to avoid a conflict with my daughter?

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My adult daughter met my new boyfriend over the holiday a few months ago and they did not hit it off.

Despite this, I have continued to see him and he is a very kind and considerate person to me and my adult son who lives in the same town as me (my daughter lives out of state). She hasn't been home to see him since Thanksgiving and her boyfriend is proposing to her in April so his whole family will be in town for this.

My son said she may not like my bf going to the dinner we are having after the proposal. It's only going to be family not friends but her boyfriends parents are each coming with their spouses (his parents are divorced). My son isn't dating so he's coming alone.

I do want my bf there and if our relationship continues in a good way (which it has so far), he is and will be part of my life. I realize this should be about my daughter and her boyfriend but do I tell him not to come at all??

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@uncertainty77,

Your daughter and her boyfriend are the ones who set the guest list, not you.

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@uncertainty77,

You are not engaged and even if you were, he doesn't need to come along on every trip you make. You are not "changing your plans" by not including him unless you consider that he has to be part of all your activities. I don't see a problem with you saying "I'm going to be out of town next weekend to go to Susan's engagement party." I doubt he will have a problem entertaining himself for a few days and this trip is about your daughter anyway. No need to make it contentious.

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Another wrinkle is that a few days prior, it is a religious holiday and I'm having a special dinner at my home that my bf will want to be at. I'm thinking I can ask my daughter about him being at that dinner (since the engagement is a surprise). If things go well with them, perhaps he can join us; and if she does not want him at the holiday dinner, then that's my answer. Thoughts?

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@uncertainty77,

So?

Your daughter is still the one who decides on the guest list.

And, since I'm here, seriously, you get caught up in your new romances and overstuff your life with them -- and then get upset when no one else wants to overstuff their life with the guy you're dating.

Of course your religious holiday dinner is your own choice because you get to make the guest list. That's kinda how it goes. You're the host, and/or you're footing the bill, you get to make the guest list.

And it's nice to not be pushy about such things, particularly as your daughter has made it clear she doesn't like the guy you're dating.

Let. It. Go.

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@uncertainty77,

uncertainty77 wrote:

My son said she may not like my bf going to the dinner we are having after the proposal. It's only going to be family not friends but her boyfriends parents are each coming with their spouses (his parents are divorced). My son isn't dating so he's coming alone.

I do want my bf there and if our relationship continues in a good way (which it has so far), he is and will be part of my life. I realize this should be about my daughter and her boyfriend but do I tell him not to come at all??

Yeah I think you have your answer here - at first I was going to say just ask your daughter if he can come along, but ask in a way that doesn't make her feel she needs to say yes. But it seems this is a surprise for her and of course this would ruin the surprise.

I would then side with your son. He seems to have a pulse on this so since this is such an important day for your daughter, don't make her uncomfortable by bringing your boyfriend.

I think it is good though to bring him to the dinner you are having - it will give her more time to be around your bf and maybe help her get to know him more.

But the engagement dinner is much more about her - you want her to enjoy it fully so I would put her feelings first in this situation.

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