Fell in love with my therapist?

I'm a very lonely guy. I isolate myself alot. I'm not able to connext with people very well. At 37, I've never had a real relationship with a woman. For a long time I drowned all of my emotions out with alcohol, but I've stopped that now, and since sobering up I've become increasingly aware of my own loneliness, desire for a relationship, and so on.

A few months ago, I decided to try therapy, with the hope of finding some direction on how to find love, a life partner. The therapist I was assigned to work with was an intern, and graduated with her Master's degree 5 days after my first session with her. She was just a little younger than me, pretty, eager, sort of awkward, and I thought it would be great for my self esteem to continue therapy with her. I imagined my confidence being uplifted by helping her get her feet on the ground as a therapist and by simply getting a "you can do it!" attitude from this pretty young woman.

I talked to her about the loneliness that I had been living with and about overcoming whatever fears and doubts kept me isolated. I told her that I needed help getting into both friendly and romantic relationships.

I feel terrible over my lack of mindfulness. She didn't understand boundaries that have to be in place in a therapist/client relationship and I didn't either. The first 3 or 4 sessions we had she would say right before the hour was over "you can call or text". After the 3rd or 4th time that I noticed her saying that, I thought that perhaps she was trying to tell me that I was not being outgoing enough, or that I was not using the resources she provided, so I started texting her every once in a while. If I found a free book on meditation at the library I'd take a picture of it and text it to her, or if there was some major news story, I'd call or text to tell her about it. It felt sort of weird doing this, but I was lonely enough that I didn't care. She'd usually respond with a positive message, a smiley face or two, and sometimes even a "good night".

She asked me early on if I would like to go out into the community with her to confront my fear of socializing and I said yes. We started meeting at coffee shops where we would talk about the paintings on the walls, pets, hobbies, and all kinds of stuff. She told me alot about her activities and friends. We were discussing meeting at a trail and hiking while we talked.

I thought there were two different possibilities of where this was going, and both were very good positive possibilities. She had mentioned "role play" a couple of times, and in the back of my mind I thought perhaps that was what we were doing - having a pretend relationship to give me practice for the real world - for actually dating a woman. The other possibility that entered my mind was that this could be real. With all the smiley face texts, outings together, and alot of wishful thinking on my part I began to imagine us together.

After a session a few weeks ago I decided to let her know how I felt about her. I had become quite attached. I was too scared to tell her in person during that session, but after I left I couldn't keep it bottled up. I texted her that I was very attracted to her, and explained that I was too afraid to tell her face to face. I again evisioned two scenerios. One being that for the sake of my well being she would congratulate me taking a step toward overcoming my fear of expressing my emotions in such a way - approaching women, and that if she wasn't interested in a relationship she would gently guide me to a more proper situation.

The second outcome I envisioned (maybe daydreaming) was of course that she would return my effection.

Neither happened. She replied to the text with an abrubt rejection, stating that she had a boyfriend, was not interested, and that we were in a professional relationship only.

For the first two weeks after receiving that message I laid on my couch and cried, then sat up, smoked a cigarette and cried, then got in the shower to calm myself and cried, then slept an hour or two, and repeated. It was the worst possible nerve anyone could have touched, and she took a meat cleaver to it.

I am currently meditating, praying, exercising, taking my antidepressants as usual, forcing myself to get out and enjoy the weather, going to the library, and seeing another therapist. I'm scheduled to see an M.D. in a few days.

I have alot of residual problems from childhood abandonment and abuse. Alot of that came to the surface with the rejection I got so abrubtly from this new therapist. Not to mention 3 months of building up hopes and dreams of fulfillment and love all dashed in an instant.

It was all an illusion, a mirage in a very dry desert. I did my best to help her understand how this had affected me and my emotional health. I sent a sort of closure message to her thanking her for her help, but asserting how painful it was to tell her goodbye.

Now I only have therapy once a week with my new counselor instead of twice as I did with the previous one. It seems so much coldee in my world now. The meditation and exercise help, but when I have to stop and just sit with myself I break down. The pain is too intense.

After a lifetime of loneliness, I thought I had somehow broken through and connected with someone - a pretty girl - my dream come true. But it was all just a misunderstanding. It's like giving a kitten to a child and then taking it away.

I told this girl that I could no longer communicate with her on a professional level, but that if she ever changed her mind about a romantic relationship I would be available.

What a sad sad ordeal all of this turned out to be.