Wife wants to work another job

I hate debt, so I disagree with you. On the other hand, I am not you.

With a business to run, a teaching job, and now a second job, is any additional job going to pay enough make up for child care costs?

In any case, this is between you and her.

This isn’t about child care. I apologize about not being clear before and during her affair she got into about $16,000 in credit card debt all in her name. We both are seasoned teachers plus she runs a semi successful photography business. I am concerned with “time” she is pushing making little money with extra job and won’t balance family time well as we are “healing from her affair and secret debt then”

What it boils down to is what balance you'd like to see. If contrition means paying down her debt by working more hours then the balance has to be tipped to that. If you'd prefer to spend more time as a family unit, then you'll have to admit the debt comes secondary.

You're giving her an impossible choice to be able to complete both tasks.

I see what your saying. We made a choice the most practical way was to apply for a loan from her retirement and in this case low interest credit cards gone and payment of $250 a month for five years. This is a practical solution but she wants to not be committed into paying for five years. She has no card payment or college loans. This can be done simply each month.

So... You made a choice. Practicality isn't on the menu. You're forcing two bad choices and expect perfection. It's not simple nor is it fair.

But you really do need to make a choice. Either the money is important or family is.

I don't really understand any of this.

I am curious - how much time does the photography business take? And how much compensation does she really get for it?

Would it make more sense to table that (put it on hold) and get a different part time job - maybe one that would earn her more to pay off the debt more quickly? Are there other ways you could as a family make a few cuts to pay off this debt more quickly?

I know you say this is a debt she incurred - however, you are a family and are together now so you all should work as a team - decide what is best for you as a family.

Maybe you could cut a dance class that one of your children really does not care about...cut out netflicks or going out to eat from once a week to once a month? Where ever you see you are paying extra money for some extras.

Just some thoughts on how to compromise - still having family time, but being able to reduce this debt.

Also curious about this - she borrowed - I am assuming from a 401k or what is probably similar for a teacher (I forget what that retirement account is) - Question have you already done this? Borrowed against her retirement account? I am asking because most have very specific requirements/guidelines. For example if she were to leave her employment before this is paid off, she may need to pay the entire balance in full or pay the early withdrawal penalty and be taxed. Also, many will not allow you to pay extra each month. What I have seen is that you can pay the exact amount each month (no choice it comes directly out of your paycheck) or pay it off in full - no partial payments.

So if you have not done this - make sure you get all the details and can abide by it. If you had already borrowed - revisit so you are aware even if you can pay more each month. If you cannot pay more each month - you could always have an account to put away extra funds so when you get the savings up to the amount of the balance you can pay it off in full.

I think I get the gist of it.

Starting off with I would love to get her thoughts on this. How much she thinks she can work and put to her debt in a month.

She feels like a prisoner in her own home. That says a lot.

She had the time to have an affair that (hopefully) did not involve taking her children with her to her trysts, so was able to find care for them.


He is short on specifics on things he doesn't approve of, but knows exactly how much will be paid back from her retirement account (not his) over a long period of time.

Related to that, Husband says they both "made a choice" that the practical way was for her to borrow from her retirement" but then that she doesn't want to take that long to pay it off. That doesn't sound like she was part of that choice.

Through it all, he mentions a lot of things he does and does not approve of, but really nothing is said of what she would like to do. Except of course that he doesn't approve of her idea of working another job.

IMO, spending some time away from the home, earning money to pay off her own debt without it being tied to her own retirement, would/could be very healing. At least to her.

Why not both?
Take out a loan against her retirement, at a lower interest rate.
Make the communal payment of $250 a month.
She can work and put her wages into the principal of the loan, paying it off much much faster.

Again, just my opinion, but if I were in her shoes, I really wouldn't want family money involved in paying off her debt.
Too easy to have that thrown back in my face at some future time.

She did the crime, she can to the time. Her extra work of a few hours and the satisfaction of making restitution, again, can be very healing for her.