Wed 6 Nov, 2019 02:00 pm
I need some advice. I'm not a very smart person. In fact, I'm downright dumb. I accept that. I say that because I am 38 years old, in an unmarried 23 year-long relationship with the father of my 2 kids, who I met when we were 16, I was raised by an alcoholic woman, and haven't had much experience out in the "real world", because I'm an akward, socially-phobic introvert and have always been taken advantage of by others. How do I know this? Because I am also an INFP, and I very much go by my intuitions and and gut feelings. I need advice on how to go forward with the direction of life. My predicament is my SO. I suspect he may be a narcissist, though I have no medical diagnosis to go by, but I can tell whether or not he's telling me a story or the truth, for the most part. I've seen text messages on his phone to another woman that point to blatant obvious infidelity, as in the literal appreciation of orgasmic abilities.. or, "you should cum like that every time, that was magical" Or, "Want to get a hotel room and some food?". I confronted him and he totally denied it, didn't want to hear another peep of anything else relating to him doing anything, he's completely innocent. But I've also, in the past, seen texts from him to this woman. But they weren't, or didn't seem to be, sexual in nature. I've also seen text messages between him and a different woman that were sexual, as in the woman was telling him that her husband was trying to check "down there" to see if she hadn't been "doing anything with anyone", but I didn't act on seeing this, I was actually still in shock over figuring out how to unlock the pattern lock on his phone. Yes, I understand that a person's phone is private, but in a relationship people usually ( I assume..) have discussions about such things, as in, "Hey I'm putting a lock on my phone because _____", or " I don't want you to be able to see who I'm talking to on my phone because _____", or you know, I don't know what I'm talking about, as usual. I can't have a lock on the phone I have, since he's the one who bought it, along with everything else in the apartment he pays for because I no longer have a job and can't get hired to save my life, and still actively looking, but I don't have anything to hide from him, anyway.. I worked for 8 straight years overnights but got fired for too may absences due to the fact that I've never had a driver's license and am not "allowed" to have friends. We've been together for almost 24 years and I feel like I barely know him at all. At one point I thought I did, but then out of nowhere he blindsided me with the fact that he was doing drugs and of course I wanted to do them, too.. sadly. So he started selling them, or had been, I can't say for sure, and I had no say, still don't, on anything he did then or now. After that I found out he has a very, very short fiery temper and wouldn't hesitate to physically remedy any problems I, or anyone else, introduced him with. Yes, I stayed with him. Yes, because I have feelings for him, am in love with him. Yes, I know how that makes me look. I certainly know how it makes me feel.. I don't have anyone but him, I left any family I ever had at the age of barely 17 years old. I definitely don't have anyone else now. I don't even want to leave him. I guess I'm honestly just looking for confirmation of.. idk what, tbh.. I'd really like to extract vengeance. To have him feel the exact way I feel and have felt because of him. When I was 34 I had to have all, every single one, of my teeth pulled because of health problems. And no money or insurance to pay for dentist appointments. Barely have dentures because they got broke and I had to super glue them, can't get new ones.. I feel so extremely ugly and so unworthy of love. Wear glasses. Never get to have anyone cut my hair, I have to myself. I don't feel attractive to him at all anymore. He barely touches me at all anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I have to be a completely fake person, to myself and kids, in front of him. I absolutely hate fakeness, I abhorr it, and I'm exhausted from living it. I know if I didn't have my babies I'd have already have done away with myself. These kids are really all I have left in this world. So I can't kill myself. I just don't know what to do...
Contact your family. Say you're sorry. You may need to say it a few times. Don't ask for anything. Just tell them you're sorry, and your children exist and nothing else. Then the ball will be in their court as to whether they want any contact with your or your kids. So don't expect much, and be prepared for what may be a rejection. But try, because you never know and people can surprise you.
Contact social services in your area. There are organizations which can help you and your children. A phone call to social services is within your rights. Period. You've got the internet at your fingertips. FInd out where there are shelters and help.
Your life does not have to be this way, and neither does your children's.
Get out before another quarter of a century goes by.
Every one is worthy of love and you're no exception. You just need a little help, that's all. So, let's get you so help, ok?
My advice is to not necessarily worry about your relationship right now. Focus more on getting yourself in a better mentality.
There are free resources available so you just need to do some research and find them. Your local school district may have a cosmetology vocational program that looks for volunteers for free cuts, color, styling and make up.
Download the pamphlet for your state's driver's ed course & study to get your temporary driver's license.
You need to find some kind of employment. There's options for stay at home online retailing or typing work if you don't have transportation. Your children's school may have street crosser, lunch aid and classroom aid positions available.
Start updating your skills, there's online Microsoft tutorials for Word, Excel and Power Point.
Use your local library and read more. Pick a subject you like and research it. Keep your mind busy. And start some type of exercise program. Walking around the block or dog walking may be an option.
Once you're feeling a little better, then figure out what you want to do about your SO.
Don't get me wrong, you're doing what you're doing as a mother to your children. You're trying to provide them a better life than what you said you had, but being with this person doesn't just ruin them in the future, it ruins you. One day they'll wonder why you were so depressed throughout your life, they'll wonder what happened between you and their father.
I would know, I was the child in this situation and it constantly made me wonder why my father didn't leave my mother. No matter how much he loved her, she would lie and choose infidelity over love. Leave this person if you haven't already, you deserve so much better and hopefully a man who will be another father to your children, a real father who actually appreciates you and your children no matter who the father is, will swoop you off your feet and into his loving arms.