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If I need to be right all the time, is it wrong if I AM RIGHT?

 
 
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 12:14 am
I admit I have a thing that gets in the way of things sometimes, which is that I give off the sense that I am rarely wrong about things, and I need to be right. I admit that when it causes a problem is when it gets to the "I told you so" phase of the interaction. I don't literally "tell them so," but I admit something I do gives off an air that can rub those I hold dearest the wrong way.

So here is a fundamental question.

If my girlfriend is sometimes annoyed by my incessant "need to be right," and we come across the following scenario, help me understand what is happening here psychologically with her, so I can better react to this situation.

She overtly lied to me about cheating with another man while we were together. During the course of her confessing it to me, I didn't believe many of her details of what actually did and didn't happen. I attempt to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the picture she paints is painfully flawed and often vague, and often contradictory of itself. So I went and found out the truth on my own through means that we don't need to cloud this discussion with, because I have already admitted to her my means were as wrong as she was for cheating. That point is conceded in the argument.

Here is the point I want to address. Her current furious hatred of me now stems from me telling her I found out, and telling her exactly what I found out, which included how the other man may not have enjoyed the experience as much as she apparently did. This hurt her of course, even though I am still confused why I am supposed to be sympathetic to that.

But so she flipped out saying she hates how I have to always be the one who is right. I have to prove to her that I am right and she is wrong. I get that that come across like I am being an asshole.

But in the case of her lying and sleeping with another man, and me finding that out and calling her on it, don't I have the ability and freedom to "be right" about this? If in fact, the FACTUAL evidence is not in dispute? She is not claiming I am wrong, she admitted what I found out was the truth.

Why does she get to lie about it, AND ALSO play the card of being mad at me for having to be the right one? It feels like she was wrong, lied about it, got caught, and got mad at the person (me) who caught her because I should have known better and just never looked into it.

------ So yes, I have hashed this out in another message thread but it helps me type it out and get opinions as not many folks have weighed in.

I know where I was wrong and deceitful to find out - and I admitted that to her upfront and that's now WHY she hates me. She claims I should have found out and never told her I knew if I really loved her.

 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 12:34 am
@Oakland64,
Cut your losses, this is not a matter of who gets to be right.....I think you know that........just back out, if she hates you for finding out the truth..then she's a rotten cheat...dump her.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 07:01 am
Why are you defending your right to find out the truth about issues important to this relationship? ( fidelity and trust)

She’s trying to “gaslight” you and make herself the victim. Narcissists do that. Diverting the real issue to avoid responsibility is their forte.

This conflict is not going to go away. It has damaged the relationship beyond repair. It seems neither of you can let it go. Decide if you want to live like this.
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 07:26 am
@Oakland64,
Oakland64 wrote:

Her current furious hatred of me


You can't have a relationship with someone who hates you with a fury. She won't change, get rid.
0 Replies
 
Oakland64
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 09:29 am
@PUNKEY,
Quote:

Why are you defending your right to find out the truth about issues important to this relationship? ( fidelity and trust)

I guess because I do feel bad about the way I went about it. I realize in the end she was totally lying and cheated, but she did say she wanted to stay with me and we were moving past it all. It just ate at me that she lied to me and I could feel the lie. What if she wasn’t lying and I did what I did to find out and was wrong? Me being “right” factually doesn’t justify my wrongness in behavior to find out does it?

And what if she fully regretted cheating on me and didn’t want to lose me over it but I just couldn’t get past it?

Is not getting past it fully a by product of having been lied to and therefore I am justified in my “need” to find out?

Am I wrong to “not believe her story” to begin with as a person who claims to love her?

I am concerned I am too skeptical to a fault I guess. But each time I’ve doubted her truthfulness I’ve been right, it’s just in the past her lies weren’t near as hurtful as this one.

I knew I was in love with a person who wasn’t trustworthy but I guess I convinced myself of two things. One, that I could forgive her of anything because of how I felt about her, and two, that the way she felt about me would over time mold and change her little by little to being more trustworthy with me. (Which did happen by the way a lot. Just not enough or not fast enough for me. Which she has me convinced was my issue not hers.)

Quote:

She’s trying to “gaslight” you and make herself the victim. Narcissists do that. Diverting the real issue to avoid responsibility is their forte.

But what if I am a narcissist too? And this entire thing is my diverting the real issue of my actions?

She claims that she hates me for being mean enough to tell her the contents of what I found out. Not that I caught her or snooped around on her.

So she claims she’s not upset by my finding out the truth or catching her. But that I’d be mean enough to show her the evidence which in turn allowed her to find out that the man she cheated with who she suspected was a “player” who wasn’t interested in her but only wanted to have sex with her, didn’t actually enjoy the sex like a porn star but in fact complained about the sex in a few ways that hurt her.

And I was now the bad guy for letting her find this out. As this killed her ability to feel lovable.

Factually here is the truth. I find her to be my dream girl physically. The object of perfection in every way, shape, and form. And our chemistry even she wouid not deny. But apparently sexually even while cheating, if the man wasn’t enjoying himself the way I do, and she caved into that temptation to have sex with him and it wasn’t even worth it to the guy, this becomes a “female thing ONKY girls understand” and I am evil for letting her know that.

But the way I let her know it was confessing that I’d pretended to be a girl and private messaged the guy. Got him to tell me stories of his recent conquering. Then when he messaged about my girlfriend he made his complaints.

Which for me helped. It made me mark him off as a future threat to our relationship since I knew he’d never come back.

So when I confessed this to my girl she demanded to see the messaging session and read it. and I told her it would be hurtful to her and she should just believe me. But she then said she’d never hold it against me for listening to her. And she was saying she would have a mental breakdown without being able to read them. So I let her read them.

I didn’t flaunt these messages at her.

She claims I am the bad guy for being mean enough to need to “feel better” about snooping on her and confess that to her. She claims I could have done what I did, and just kept it all to myself and decided on my own whether I could forgive her or not and then love her anyway. But that me going the extra step of informing her that the man didn’t even enjoy it was so hurtful it has made me be to her the meanest most spiteful person ever. And she said she’s never hated anyone ever but that she hates me now for doing this.

My emotional brain believes her.

My rational brain wants to cry out that we are here becaaue she lied, cheated, lied about the cheating, and I never got the chance to forgive of her if the truth because she never told it to me.

She claims she would have finally told it to me and had I allowed her timing to play out it would have worked for us. And I believe her when she says she wouid have finally told me. Part of the reason I didn’t believe her is because years after something she’s come clean before in the past.

I just miss her. What we had was so fun and so good that i overlooked her dishonesty for three years. This time I called her on it with the hopes of deepening our trust for each other and it back fired.

I know I need to move on.

But I guess part of my moving on is to realize that I’m not a crazy person.

But I liked being a crazy person in love delusionally with her. So maybe I agree with her. That I should have been capable of being lied to by her and should have maintained that ability. I did it well for years but it finally wore me down.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 10:38 am
Please consider counseling with an older male specializing in relationships.

You need to learn how to take off your hair shirt - before you jump into another relationship.
0 Replies
 
Real Music
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 10:55 am
@Oakland64,
Quote:
Why does she get to lie about it, AND ALSO play the card of being mad at me for having to be the right one?

1. What do you think?
2. Does she have that much power and control over you?
0 Replies
 
Real Music
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Nov, 2019 11:18 am
@Oakland64,
Quote:
Her current furious hatred of me now stems from me telling her I found out, and telling her exactly what I found out, which included how the other man may not have enjoyed the experience as much as she apparently did. This hurt her of course, even though I am still confused why I am supposed to be sympathetic to that.

1. How do you know that this other man didn't enjoy the experience as much as she apparently did?

2. Did this other man tell you that he didn't enjoy the experience he had with your girlfriend?
Oakland64
 
  0  
Reply Fri 8 Nov, 2019 01:35 pm
@Real Music,
Note

I know that the guy didn’t enjoy it because I’m ashamed to admit I pretended to be a hot girl on Instagram direct messaged him and got him to tell me stories about his sexual adventures with various different women one of them was my girlfriend.

She denied none of that version of the story after she was confronted with it.

But he was mean about it and declared negative things about the experience that I actually defended as the fake girl and turned it back on him and felt like I was one upping him on behalf of my girlfriend. So when my girlfriend demanded to see those messages I thought seeing the messages would actually work in my favor. But instead it blew up in my face.

She claims that she doesn’t have a problem with me finding out the actual truth but that she thinks that I purposefully “felt bad about the deception “just so I could tell her this stuff just so she would read the messages about how the guy didn’t enjoy it with her and that makes me deplorably mean.”

When the truth is I only save the messages so in case she ever read it she would see me defending her in the messages. And I kept them in case she wanted to claim that I was lying just to see if she would confess.

In hindsight what she is saying I should have done was find out the truth about what she did and then just decide if I could forgive her or not and never tell her the main part of her having to find out the guy didn’t enjoy her.

Which I realize as I type it makes her crazy and makes me crazy for wanting to stay. But that’s where we are. I am crazy. I am crazy and I want to stay. But I also want to figure out if reality that I perceived is happening or if I just have been fed some other alternate reality and didn’t know how to process it.

For three years we’ve had an amazing relationship that is filled with fights occasionally and we get back together and it’s always read it and how we make the other one feel. And it’s been magical. So I could have forgiven her for cheating on me. That has already happened in the relationship. But I am not guilt free either and she has forgiven me also. But to me her lies of what she tried to hide and cover-up or so poorly executed but I wasn’t able to feel the same way about it anymore and so therefore I confronted her about not hiding it well enough by finding out the truth. And then demanding that she hide itMore effectively. At least that’s what we were trying to get to and got sidetracked by the apparent insecurity of her feeling like even while she cheated on me if the experience was unenjoyable for the man that her heart is broken beyond repair that I would choose to share that with her. And in actuality I didn’t choose to share that part with her she demanded to see all the messages and said she would never be upset with me for listening to her and I told her she didn’t want to read the messages and she said I better let her read the messages or she will have a breakdown and I let her read the messages and then we are here with her hating me.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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