Why are you defending your right to find out the truth about issues important to this relationship? ( fidelity and trust)
I guess because I do feel bad about the way I went about it. I realize in the end she was totally lying and cheated, but she did say she wanted to stay with me and we were moving past it all. It just ate at me that she lied to me and I could feel the lie. What if she wasn’t lying and I did what I did to find out and was wrong? Me being “right” factually doesn’t justify my wrongness in behavior to find out does it?
And what if she fully regretted cheating on me and didn’t want to lose me over it but I just couldn’t get past it?
Is not getting past it fully a by product of having been lied to and therefore I am justified in my “need” to find out?
Am I wrong to “not believe her story” to begin with as a person who claims to love her?
I am concerned I am too skeptical to a fault I guess. But each time I’ve doubted her truthfulness I’ve been right, it’s just in the past her lies weren’t near as hurtful as this one.
I knew I was in love with a person who wasn’t trustworthy but I guess I convinced myself of two things. One, that I could forgive her of anything because of how I felt about her, and two, that the way she felt about me would over time mold and change her little by little to being more trustworthy with me. (Which did happen by the way a lot. Just not enough or not fast enough for me. Which she has me convinced was my issue not hers.)
She’s trying to “gaslight” you and make herself the victim. Narcissists do that. Diverting the real issue to avoid responsibility is their forte.
But what if I am a narcissist too? And this entire thing is my diverting the real issue of my actions?
She claims that she hates me for being mean enough to tell her the contents of what I found out. Not that I caught her or snooped around on her.
So she claims she’s not upset by my finding out the truth or catching her. But that I’d be mean enough to show her the evidence which in turn allowed her to find out that the man she cheated with who she suspected was a “player” who wasn’t interested in her but only wanted to have sex with her, didn’t actually enjoy the sex like a porn star but in fact complained about the sex in a few ways that hurt her.
And I was now the bad guy for letting her find this out. As this killed her ability to feel lovable.
Factually here is the truth. I find her to be my dream girl physically. The object of perfection in every way, shape, and form. And our chemistry even she wouid not deny. But apparently sexually even while cheating, if the man wasn’t enjoying himself the way I do, and she caved into that temptation to have sex with him and it wasn’t even worth it to the guy, this becomes a “female thing ONKY girls understand” and I am evil for letting her know that.
But the way I let her know it was confessing that I’d pretended to be a girl and private messaged the guy. Got him to tell me stories of his recent conquering. Then when he messaged about my girlfriend he made his complaints.
Which for me helped. It made me mark him off as a future threat to our relationship since I knew he’d never come back.
So when I confessed this to my girl she demanded to see the messaging session and read it. and I told her it would be hurtful to her and she should just believe me. But she then said she’d never hold it against me for listening to her. And she was saying she would have a mental breakdown without being able to read them. So I let her read them.
I didn’t flaunt these messages at her.
She claims I am the bad guy for being mean enough to need to “feel better” about snooping on her and confess that to her. She claims I could have done what I did, and just kept it all to myself and decided on my own whether I could forgive her or not and then love her anyway. But that me going the extra step of informing her that the man didn’t even enjoy it was so hurtful it has made me be to her the meanest most spiteful person ever. And she said she’s never hated anyone ever but that she hates me now for doing this.
My emotional brain believes her.
My rational brain wants to cry out that we are here becaaue she lied, cheated, lied about the cheating, and I never got the chance to forgive of her if the truth because she never told it to me.
She claims she would have finally told it to me and had I allowed her timing to play out it would have worked for us. And I believe her when she says she wouid have finally told me. Part of the reason I didn’t believe her is because years after something she’s come clean before in the past.
I just miss her. What we had was so fun and so good that i overlooked her dishonesty for three years. This time I called her on it with the hopes of deepening our trust for each other and it back fired.
I know I need to move on.
But I guess part of my moving on is to realize that I’m not a crazy person.
But I liked being a crazy person in love delusionally with her. So maybe I agree with her. That I should have been capable of being lied to by her and should have maintained that ability. I did it well for years but it finally wore me down.