Thu 24 Oct, 2019 12:42 pm
I just found out that Jesus has moved in down the road. Yeah, I was sceptical at first, but I bumped into him at the haberdashery, and I can confirm he's the real deal.
I know there have been other Jesuses, or Jesi, or whatever the **** they're called, but they're clearly all a load of bollocks.
This guy's definitely the genuine article, he's got the T shirt, haircut, the lot, and he even speaks a bit of Welsh!
Anyway, here are his commandments, as and when I get them.
1 People put too much faith in savoury snacks.
You have been commanded.
I thought Jesus was supposed to reappear as a woman.
...Also, do these new commandments negate the ones which Moses was said to have brought down from Mount Rushmore? (from the new and improved bible written by Kellyanne Conway)...
I know, me too, but what can you say?
Gee, I hope he's got something in his bag for me - such as a heart, the noive, a brain.
2. Don't mess up your tablets.
Jesus says "touch your nose"
Jesus says "point your right foot"
Jesus says "stick out your tongue"
Touch your head........ahahahahahaha you just lost, go sit down
(too many years in a catholic girls school....makes you incredibly irreverent)
Don't tread dog **** into the carpet.
At some point Jesus changed his name to Simon.
Doesn't seem to have done him much good.
oops, your'e right....my mistake
I'll try to find you a good carpet cleaner.
I actually have a horror story about my sweet now deceased 15 year old Springer Spaniel and her adventurous journey all over the brand new carpet in the entire downstairs. I’ll need to fortify myself first.
Don't google brown rainbow images. You'll get two things, one is a rather nice logo for Black LGBT people, the other thing is not so nice.
It's what happens when someone shits on the carpet right next to a door and then opens it smearing it in a big arc.
Jesus approves of this message.
What does Heyzeus say to the kids that show up at his door on Halloween?
Not a lot, we didn't get any last year and I doubt this year will be any different.
It's a bit hit and miss over here, depending on the area.
To be honest this is what most of the kids round here are celebrating.