Wife left... Not sure where to go from here

Reply Sun 6 Oct, 2019 02:48 pm
I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
Reply Sun 6 Oct, 2019 03:03 pm
A few ideas.

You two could use marital counseling. However, if she has her mind made up that she's 100% done, you can still go alone. Get some emotional tools as to how to deal with things.

I would also contact an attorney or at least a mediator if I were you. Protect your rights in terms of finances and custody/visitation. If she sees it as a hostile act, then so be it. You have rights and shouldn't just roll over on them, no matter how you're feeling. You sound like a caring guy and your children certainly need you. You can work out a lot via mediation but there should be written documentation when it comes to schedules and money. Getting your ducks lined up does not have to, 100% of the time, lead to a divorce. Still, protect yourself and your kids.

And finally, I hope you are under a doctor's care. You sound depressed (I am not a doctor), and it's possible you've been that way for quite a while. No matter what, it can't hurt to get checked out if you haven't been recently, at least for your own peace of mind.

Hang in there.
Reply Mon 7 Oct, 2019 08:13 am
Agreed with what jespah said - suggest this to your wife to see counseling together (maybe she will have a change of heart); but it would probably help you even for you to go - to help yourself.

The one other thing I would add - would be to ask your doctor about some of the issues you are having. Some with the memory, etc. seem to be more physical - ask your doctor what you can or should do to help these other physical issues.

You need to help your physical side as well as your mental health in order to feel completely better.

In this way even if you end up splitting you will be in a better position emotionally to handle it.
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