Am inadequate romantically and sexually?

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I’m a 35 year old man and have never been in a relationship or even kissed. I’ve never had *consensual* sex. Because of the child abuse, incest, and rape I’ve experienced I don’t feel comfortable performing oral sex. It pains me that I’m not able to fulfill that obligation to a future girlfriend if I find one, but I just can’t. I’ve been shamed about my maleness all my life and feel emotionally emasculated. I often have dreams that my penis is cut off. Also, what woman would want a man as old as me with so little experience? And one who has been sexually abused? I’ve also heard women don’t really like penises and my abuse has lead me to see mine as a weapon and I don’t want to hurt or scare her. Especially because I was given experimental hormone therapy as a child, so I’m significantle y above average in penis size, although I’m only 5’5″. Please someone help me. Worried I’m inadequate as a potential boyfriend.

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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 215 • Replies: 5

[+3] - maxdancona - 09/16/2019I highly recommend the book "Victims No Longer" by Michael Lew. This is a book written specifically for male victims of sexual abuse and is very helpful in understanding the challenges...

@pedropedro,

Get counseling. You need to talk to a medical professional about your issues.

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@pedropedro,

I highly recommend the book "Victims No Longer" by Michael Lew. This is a book written specifically for male victims of sexual abuse and is very helpful in understanding the challenges and pointing toward resources.

Therapy, both individual and group, is very important. Dealing with the pain of what was done to you is an important part of getting ready for an healthy adult relationship. There is a special stigma for male survivors. It is important to find people who will support you and believe you.

There are other men who have not had sex through their thirties, this is one way people react to childhood abuse. I don't think this is uncommon. You will find that there are people who are willing to accept you as you are when you are ready for a healthy relationship.

Please take care of yourself.

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@maxdancona,

Thank you! There has been a lot of awareness of female victims (which is a good thing), but I feel the male victims (perhaps as much as 49.9% of all victims), are neglected. I'm just worried about being rejected or her thinking I'm going too slow. I'm also afraid she'll think I'm being selfish for not performing cunnilingus. I mean I would like to receive fellatio, but if she's not comfortable doing it unreciprocated, that's her right. Am I being selfish? a bad man?

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@pedropedro,

The correct term is "survivor" not "victim". Many rape survivors feel that the terminology is important.

The fear of being able to have a healthy adult relationship is normal for survivors. The way to work through these fears is to talk to a therapist and to other survivors. I could answer your question about my experience in relationships (my answer is that you talk about it with your partner).

The important thing is to deal with the effects of what was done to you including the anxiety of being in a sexual relationship. Individual and group therapy is very helpful. It helps to hear the experiences of other people with similar experiences.

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@pedropedro,

Would any woman be willing to go without cunnilingus? I only want fellatio if she really wants it. If she's not ok giving unreciprocated oral sex, I can go without it.

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