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Sat 24 Aug, 2019 12:17 pm
I've met my ex in high school. We hit it off right away and started a love story that lasted 7 years. This guy was my rock: he was my best friend, my lover, we understood each other perfectly, we shared the same values and passions and so on. We also moved through major life changes together: our first apartment, jobs, holidays as a couple, our very first pet... and our first discussions about having children one day together.
We created our own bubble, and slowly cut ourselves from other people. Because of various reasons, he also got deeper into what I read now as depression. He would stay at home, play video games all day long (like excessively), would isolate himself and shut down in any social situation, he would be more and more self-deprecating, and would slowly abandon his personal and professional ambitions...
All of these dragged me down as well... I wanted us to travel, to get our, to be curious about many things. But with time, it seems like he lost that drive and energy. And I didn't dare to do or build these things alone. Nor did I had the tools at the time to express my frustrations and my needs. So I silenced them for years and became sad about our lifestyle.
Until one day, when I cheated with someone who (fakely) incarnated everything I missed... the self-confidence, the energy, the will to get things done, etc. When my ex found out, my whole world crumbled. We tried to rebuild our relationship afterward, but I was emotionally away. We finally broke up. It was tremendously hurtful, and he told me he could never forgive me.
The following year was a radical soul-searching period. I lost my father right after the break-up (which made me think a lot about life priorities). I started therapy, read tons of self-help books. I spotted my insecurities and strengthened a sense of identity by started to do things on my own again. I've also learned a lot about my anxious-avoidant attachment style, and how to build more healthy relationships by being upfront with my needs and boundaries.
But here's the thing. Today, I can't overcome these "what if" thoughts: what if I knew all of this back then, what if we had another chance to make this work...
It's been more than a year now. And even if he doesn't want to speak to me anymore (saying that it's still too hurtful to think about what we lost), I can't imagine my life with anyone else...
And yet ... How do you know if someone's still your one true love? If it's still possible to overcome this type of event? If I can reconnect with a message (with the risk of causing more pain), or if I should leave him alone and move on? And whatever the alternative, how do I overcome the shame and the guilt of having cheated on someone I cared so much about?
Thank you so much for your help...
Unless he's done something to radically change how he was before you strayed, the recipe for cheating will still be there.
I'll tell you right now, I'm not a fan of cheating. But it's also a big, red flag for the both of you. It means, and meant, that the status quo was unacceptable. So unless he has made some moves to change things, then you'd still be stuck in the same place.
You'd be stuck with someone who is probably gravely ill (depression can be fatal) who is doing nothing whatsoever to get treatment. He was dragging you down. And if conditions remain intact, he'll do it again, even unconsciously, even if he doesn't mean it, even if everything else he says is to the contrary.
Beyond your soul searching, therapy, and self-help books, I imagine you were (and maybe still are) looking to fix yourself in some manner. If he is still the same, then you will end up trying to fix him, too (and maybe you did make the attempt before).
That's not a good basis for a relationship. It's a basis for personal martyrdom.
You don't have to nail yourself to some cross to be loved.
You're lapping up a ton of mental nostalgia, too, I think.
Can you message him? Sure. But not as an entree to anything beyond finding out how he is because you care and he's been ill. If you cannot contact him on a purely platonic basis, then don't contact him.
You're also basking in inertia (which is incredibly seductive).
Go out and meet other people. Male people. Female people. Old and young, attached and unattached. Join a gym, volunteer,
take a class, join Meetup groups, whatever blows your dress up.
That is, have a social life and a connection to your community. Do it with no expectations of meeting anyone. I think you'll find the world is full of potential "one true loves", and a lot of them don't require you to be the caregiver in the relationship.
Standard disclaimer, I am not a doctor, etc. Since you are in therapy, definitely bring this up there.
@Cvalda,
I bet if you really looked at that relationship you would see that his spiraling down, not growing up/maturing, and other behaviors were going to wreck what you two had, anyway. The affair just hurried it along.
So what if he doesn’t “forgive” you? We was co-responsible for what happened.
It sounds like you invested a lot of time with him. A year is not much time to sort things out. Continue with counseling to make sure your healing is about you and your future, not the past.
That includes blockung him completely. He’s got your pity, that’s his hold on you.
Get a new boyfriend and don't cheat on him.