Worldwide toilet paper shortage looms!

WORLDWIDE TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE LOOMS

World Weekly News
by George Finkle

In what could be the most serious crisis in the history of butt wiping, the world's supply of toilet paper may soon plummet to zero!

This, thanks to a labor dispute that threatens to paralyze Buttco, a toilet paper conglomerate.

According to union spokesman Harvey Jarvis, tens of thousands of Buttco factory workers are prepared to go on strike if certain demands are not met, including shorter hours, higher wages, and clothing optional Fridays.

Still, Buttco CEO Rupert Frelkey refuses to negotiate. "Those ungrateful baboons . . . just because I make them work 18 hours a day with no lunch break, they get all uppity. To hell with them! I'm already a billionaire. If Buttco goes down the toilet, what's it matter to me?"

Because Buttco subsidiaries produce over half the world's supply of t.p., a company-wide strike would send shockwaves throughout the globe. Nevertheless, Dr. Hans Jablonski, author of 77 Keys to a Cleaner, Healthier Posterior, advises the public not to panic.

"There are plenty of substitutes for toilet paper," he notes, "such as parking tickets, credit card bills, and wedding invitations. Remember, lots of cultures have never even heard of toilet paper -- take the French, for instance."