Looking for advice dealing with elderly friends

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I'm a person who is chronically depressed. I live an almost completely socially isolated life apart from my job, which I sometimes also work from home. I hardly ever leave my house.

About a year and a half ago my dog of 12 years passed away. I slipped into a very deep, even deeper than what's normal for me depression. The only two friends I had are an elderly couple in their early 70's. I'm in the age range of 35-45.

I never talk to anyone else, and I completely quit talking to them. It had nothing at all to do with them, but some days I have a very hard finding motivation to even shower or leave my house. They have no idea what I've been doing.

Part of why I haven't spoken to them is because I don't want to tell them all the horrible and depressing things in my head. They are very beautiful, kind, and well adjusted people. No one else in my life for years has taken any interest in me. But they always, always wanted to know about me. How I'm doing, what I'm up to, if they could help me. They took on almost like parental figure roles in my life.

It started out as me being very selfish and just not wanting to answer my phone or get out of bed. Then I realized that at the age they are, they don't have many years left. They are very intelligent, and we've had many very deep conversations.

I didn't want them to ask me about how I'm doing for two reasons

1) They are 'fixers'. they care very much about people and they want to help everyone they meet. They genuinely want other people to succeed. My selfish thought, is that they can't fix me. But part of me very much wants to tell them about everything. I think this is a very foolish thought, because they are not my parents. And even if they wanted to help me, I know they can't. They can't fix me.

2) Because they are elderly, I don't feel it would be right to tell them my current thoughts about life. I am what you would called 'black pilled'. I know on a logical level that life has no meaning, and that search for meaning is futile. But I think it would be wrong to tell them my thoughts about this, when they are much closer to death than I am. They believe in God, and I don't want to take that away from them. I don't want to depress them. I love them and respect them very much.

I think about them every day. I worry that one of them might have died. I have been surrounded by death my whole life. Part of me thinks, to just keep going and not look back, because they will probably die in the next few years, and if I were to have a friendship with them I would have to endure that. I know, selfish thought.

They tried several times to contact me, but I disappeared. Eventually they stopped trying. I don't know if they would be angry at me, or if they think I hate them or something, which is not at all the case. They have no information about what's been going on with me for a year and a half.

I think I'm right, and that I should just keep going and not look back, but I think about them. Maybe they don't even think about me. No one else does.

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@lifeismeaningless,

First things first. I am not a doctor but you sound like you're clinically depressed. I take it that you haven't been to a doctor. Please go. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance and a doctor can help you. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

I get that you are in mourning, or at least you were. But there's a damned good reason why religions have specified mourning periods. It's to let people know that they can eventually stop mourning and start living again. That's true no matter what you believe, or don't believe.

As for your friends, reach out to them. Tell them you don't want them to try to fix things, that you just want them to listen. If they are as kind as you say, they will.

But please, seek medical attention first. Depression is lying to you, telling you that nothing can be done. Depression is wrong about that. There are plenty of things that can be done.

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@jespah,

Thanks for your sentiment.

Yeah, I'm sure a medical professional would tell me that I need to be on medication. I've talked to people about that before. I don't want to do it because once you start that, you're on that stuff for life. That is no kind of life.

I don't think most people will understand what I'm about to describe.

I don't like being human, being made of meat. I think about decaying all the time. Aging. It's horrifying when you really think about it. I also have bad insomnia and painful stomach issues. I had trouble eating because it hurt so bad, and for years during my 20's I was rail thin. For a while I tried smoking marijuana, and it helped a lot, but then I couldn't get any, and I felt that despair of "Oh god, what if I can't ever get any again?" Same as with antidepressants. It's not a real fix. There is no fix. Life is the ailment.

And there is no objective meaning to life. Even the most amazing person, I don't know, Elvis, mother Teresa, even with all they accomplished, now they are worm food.

Time erases everything. There is no permanence, and that makes life meaningless. In a few more hundred years, no one will remember who Taylor Swift or Abraham Lincoln were. No matter how accomplished they were in life. Death is the great equalizer. Time will erase everyone you know and everything they've ever done from existence. Ozymandias and all that stuff. The lone and level sands.

Just my opinion. I'm not trying to sell it to anyone else. This is not a prescription. I'm just not fond of humanity. I don't think we've accomplished much, if anything. I don't think we're remarkable. I don't think we're capable of even fully understanding what a precarious position we occupy in the cosmos. Lovecraft and all that. If I thought the singularity would actually happen during our lifetime perhaps I would change my mind. I think being a computer program might be amazing. All logic, all precision.

Anyway, like I said, I don't think most people will understand where I'm coming from. Chalk it up to the words of a depressed person. That's fine.

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@lifeismeaningless,

I live a sort of loner life too these days, but I have little worries. I keep myself busy with over a dozen hobbies and activities. I take impulsive fishing trips and hikes without bringing in my friends. They seem to have lost interest in doing these anyway and they have priorities with their aging folks. You are still young and can find yourself a whole lot of things to do. If elderly folks care about you, that's a nice gesture, but maybe they cannot do anything more than that.

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@seac,

Quote:

If elderly folks care about you, that's a nice gesture, but maybe they cannot do anything more than that.

Do you think I'm right to keep going and leave them behind? I just don't want to take any of the joy they have in life away from them. They don't deserve that. Maybe my lot in life is to spend it alone and I just need to accept that.

Quote:

I live a sort of loner life too these days, but I have little worries. I keep myself busy with over a dozen hobbies and activities

I have many hobbies as well. They feel empty. Having my dog fulfilled a need that I greatly miss. It may sound strange, but I enjoyed taking care of a living being. It made me feel responsible. I don't know how to describe it. Even though I know it was a trick my brain was playing on me, it felt like it was meaningful.

Thank you for your comment.

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What skin off your butt would it be for you to call two elderly people who have done nothing more than register concern and care? ( Simply to ask how THEY have been)

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

What skin off your butt would it be for you to call two elderly people who have done nothing more than register concern and care? ( Simply to ask how THEY have been)

I miss them very much. I just want to do what's right for both of us. It's just like, why do people have to die? What's the point in getting attached to anyone? Why do things have to deteriorate? I think life only exists to facilitate suffering and loss. It's a very cruel joke.

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@PUNKEY,

I have an update.

My male friend passed away. His wife is still alive. We connected about 2 months ago. It's a long story.

After much reflection, I think they felt bad for me more than anything else. Maybe they never considered me a true friend in the first place. All this time I had thought of them almost like family, but real family it seems can only be blood.

Very disappointing it has all been. I miss my friend very much even if he didn't care about me as much as I about him. But I also feel gullible to think that anyone could care about me at all. This whole time I had worried so much about them, but I was in all likelihood just someone they pitied.

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@lifeismeaningless,

Go get a rescue dog from the pound.

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@knaivete,

knaivete wrote:

Go get a rescue dog from the pound.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN2L84dvoag[/youtube]

You beat me to that suggest as he could add meaning to his dog death by using it as the reason to give another pet many years of a good life.

Pick a dog that for whatever reason is very unlikely to adopted an stop him from spending the remainer of his life in a small cage with no human love or being put to death by an uncaring pound worker.

I can not save all loving animals but ever once in a while I can tell the uncaring universe to go to hell as this dog or this cat will not suffer through an unlove life.

Now I am in my 70s with all manner of medical an personal problems an right now I do not give a **** as I am feeling like a late teenager by reason of falling in love an in the happy task of courting the lady.

Lot of reasons to go on living a happy life at any age.

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