Teen daughter with emotional issues

I'm remarkably unable to help on this one, but just couldn't stand to see the post ignored. Consider this a 'bump'.

After raising two girls and now grandmother of 3 girls, I think that the greatest thing is to let them know they will be able to get thru this, (this, too, shall pass.) and that we are there if need be. And there will be many more times of deep fluctuations of feelings that will take coping skills to get thru.

But that cutting is of concern. It means being overwhelmed. The relief comes with a big cost ( harming oneself)

Professional intervention is needed. Possibly medication. Therapy, for sure.

The incident with the boys will work itself out. It always does. No need to make her feel you will interfer with her decisions in that instance. But the cutting needs to be addressed because it can become a vicious cycle for her to use whenever she feels out of control in the future.

She already sees a counselor and had not cut in a long time --- just that the cutting again occurred after this boy pulled her in and then out again. Her sister was trying to help from far away but they got in a disagreement over it which sounds like it prompted the cutting again.

Not to mention she did not tell anyone else but this boy - seems to me she is obsessing over him and trying to get his attention by just telling him.

And she did not react well to me saying she should for yourself limit her contact with this boy.

I think I would say, “I love you and trust that you can take care of this situation by yourself. I will stay out of it. But if I think that you are in danger in any way, and that means self harming, then I will step in. And that will mean closing off all outside persons who are involved in this. Do you agree that this is the best way to handle this?”

This is giving her a lot of freedom, but within an agreed upon structure.

I'm going to reply but don't know how much help I'll be. I'm on here for help myself. It does concern me when you say she "cuts". I have to ask if she is seeing a counselor? I have heard of a couple girls I know doing this. I am in my 40's myself and it's a hard pill to swallow that someone would resort to this but I know it happens.

It's hard being a teenager. I know this much kill you as a Mom because I am a Mom also.

I would not blame or yell but tell her you are there for her. I'm glad you all are in church, the best place to be. Maybe you should talk to your minster. I respect the nice boy that has not decided to cheat on his girlfriend. He probably very well has feelings for your daughter and is doing the right thing since he cares for his girlfriend. I would point this out that that is what a good guy would do, be faithful to his girlfriend. And let her know he is young and they may not end up together and maybe then they will have a chance but she has to take care of herself in the meantime. If that doesn't happen, there will be other good guys even if she doesn't see it now.

I would try to get her some professional help with the cutting.

I stated at least three times that she has a counselor that she meets with - she also meets regularly with the counselor at school and has an open pass to go to the office if she gets stressed.

Thank you - I did similar - I told her she has to promise me if she feels like she needs to cut to come talk with me.

And previously that is why I got her password for her phone - I told her almost the same as what you said - I do not want to invade her privacy, but because of what has happened and if I feel in are in danger I will look at your phone - I could tell and that is how I found out she cut again.

I got a couple of ideas, but not sure if any good, but anyway...

1) Liaise with the school/counselor and try and find a 'mentor' for her. Someone she will look up to, possibly an older girl who has been through these same things?

2) Find inspirational and motivational media for her to watch/read/listen...
Some examples;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YovRE-Pk3c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26U_seo0a1g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofAL2x7eCoI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

By “ counselor” I hope you mean Psychologist with services that include psychiatric services.

From what you describe, she is a teen that has an anxious temperament and cuts herself when she gets overwhelmed. This is more than just teen angst.

"This is more than just teen angst."

That much is clear!

Yes - this is a licensed therapist experienced with teens.

And someone mentioned mentor - funny you say this. My daughter is involved in basketball - competitive basketball. The odd thing is she began therapy to help gain her confidence after having a serious injury and having surgery--- she could not play for a year and a half. She has now joined back up with her club team.

As far as the mentor - one of the female coaches (not her team coach but involved in the program) has just recently become her mentor. My daughter helps her coach the younger teams. She just came back last night from helping her coach 3 teams in their practice. She was elated. She loves it - this coach gave her suggestions on how to interact with the younger girls - my daughter went out of her comfort zone and did so - she is now very passionate about this.

So now most evening she is doing this - as long as she keeps up with her academics. I think this is going to help her a lot.

I have to confess - I found a couple of journals this morning - I was looking for my dogs toys in her room and I saw a couple of notebooks. Most is stuff I knew about that she already confessed to me.

There was one page that in large letters was "DIE NOW" - not sure what this was in reference to - but the next page talked about this boy that I mention above that said he liked her and then later kind of told her otherwise and now he loved his girlfriend.

Then I found another one that is even more recent - she wrote the pros and cons of the boy at her school that she was dating --- (positive there were things I talked to her about like taking a break completely from boys so she is maybe listening to me a little) -- and then another page where she talks completely about basketball and helping coaching and how much this coach is helping her just by listening. She talks about how passionate she is in coaching the younger girls and how happy she is with this and playing basketball.

Fortunately it is just the start of the spring season - so she typically practices 3 days a week and then almost every weekend she has games. She also wants to be at the games that younger players are at to help coach at them.

We did talk with her again and let her know to please come to us if she feels this way - or if she just wants to vent and talk out her feelings without us trying to fix or judge ---- she can call us if we are not there but we will listen without saying or doing anything.

I am just very worried about her -

American teens tend to be deficient in various vitamins. Cutting is a symptom of deficiency in B vitamins. If you study nutrition you can learn ways to get B vitamins from food. Plain yogurt is good for that, but you get quick results from B-50 or B-100 pills. Go to amazon.com and search "adelle davis". Her books are the most popular introduction to the field.

So I see my daughter failed a test online - one she told me she had been seeing the teacher for extra help and she straight out told me he has been helping her.

I let her know that I was going to reach out to the teacher to see if she has been meeting with him. Later that day she had a therapist appointment - since I did not hear back from the teacher yet I did not discuss it.

In addition - I heard back from the therapist a couple of days before - there was an issue with their email system and she did not get notification of the emails I sent - I called in the mean time and left a message that is how she found out about the "cutting".

So zero in to the end of the appointment - I go in to talk as well - find out no surprise she was not going to the teacher for help. It seems she gets anxious if she does not have something specific to ask him - so she goes to walk to his class and then gets so stressed - she leaves.

Therapist suggests I reach out to him and the adjustments counselor to work through this - setting up a regular weekly meeting where she does not have to bring anything up but where he can give her a problem - she works through it and then he can see where she is falling short. Or he could go over a concept he thinks she would need to understand - so she doesn't have to come up with something so she can learn how to deal with these situations.

When I suggested she approach him or help me write the email - the therapist felt that was too stressful and although she will need to learn this - she needs babysteps right now.

Ok so we have some things to start with - not great but better...

Until my husband gets involved - he doesn't seem in on this - he seems more concerned about the grades. I try to explain what the therapist says but he gets angry and says - I just want to do it my way -- I answer no - I am doing this way that someone much more knowledgeable with years of experience and education in this field has suggested.

He still wants to do it his way --- he is now stressing me out on this -- I tell him the grades are not as important as getting her feeling good.

I am at my whits end - I am in the middle and now I feel I am having difficulty coping. Just venting here to get it out since everyone else is venting towards me -- my daughter snapping at me about almost everything -- him coming at me with all these questions about cost of therapist and why our daughter is feeling this way - I am just trying to keep it together while I am working - keeping my job during a busy time, getting the dog to his vet appointment, getting my daughter to practice and picking her up, bringing her to school and picking her up (on my car pool days).

Well I feel a little better getting it off my chest.


And yes - the math teacher has been great about this is willing to set something up for her weekly - some good news.