Potential abusive situation

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I think I sadly need to report a parental abusive situation. My teen daughter has been "going out" with this boy in her grade (second year high school). We have gotten to know him a bit (has been over to our house, we have taken him out) and from all sides they seem to be an ideal fit for each other. He is athletic, nice, polite, and gets good grades.

My daughter pulled me aside and was hesitate to tell me something. He told her his dad hurt him and that he only trusts her with this information and will call everything off if she tells anyone. I asked her specific questions - like is he in danger, is it just (not that this is right to do) a slap or is it more serious. He had told her that he was fine and not serious. I told her to try to convince him to speak to the counselor she knows at school or someone else. I let her know that she may have to break this promise if anything is worse.

Last night she told me to call the school tomorrow. My daughter was worried - it sounds like this is getting worse he said it is the first time he has been harmed (not sure his words and he only provides sketchy details) twice in a week. And he just had a bad grade and he had a voicemail with alot of yelling.

So late last night I opened her phone - I have her password (which I told her I wanted and wouldn't invade her privacy - it is more if/when I am worried about her safety). I read their texts - one said he threw me against the wall and slapped an punched me. Then one asking her to bring in advil because his arms hurt and when she asked why - he said ... you know. There were others about concern on her side trying to help me and asking him to reach out - and he said he is reaching out to her.

I do have a slight worry that - could he be making this up? I would hate to cause serious issues with an innocent family. I have never met the dad - and have briefly met his mom. This won't stop me from calling this counselor my daughter and I trust, but I do worry about it, but I worry more about him.

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Maybe it's time to meet his parents. Not that you can tell much by just looking at them. Maybe more like, we really like Scott (or whatever his name is) so we want to keep the lines of communication open.

If the mother is a victim, then she will cling to you like a life preserver. And in the nicest, gentlest way, you're telling them that you want to know what is going on.

But of course if you feel this would expose anyone to danger, then don't.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Abusers like to maintain a code of silence. Your being around makes it harder to maintain such silence.

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@jespah,

At this point it might be too late - I need to call this counselor as I promised my daughter I would. I know her she will end up going to talk with her anyway - she just wants me to "break the ice" - she even said tell her it is fine to call me down to guidance to discuss the details.

I am also unsure how much danger this kid could be in - his comment to my daughter is I can handle it - it is just two more years. There is also verbal abuse according to the text - things like you are a disappointment to the family; you are nothing like your brother things like that.

I am not sure what happens after this but I know that once I say something, they are in a legal position where they have to report it. But as my husband said if anything happens to this kid --- now we are responsible (morally anyway).

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@Linkat,

True. It's a tough situation to be in. Kudos to your daughter for coming to you with it.

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So I spoke to the counselor. She immediately stated that she legally obligated to report this to the authorities - which I let her know that I knew that and took this seriously.

I provided her only slight details and then when I mentioned the one physical alteration I read in the text she said she didn't need anything else. She also let me know if he is saying these things just for my daughter's attention - that is not normal and there is something else underlying so either way it is important for them to know.

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@Linkat,

So the counselor called me back - she decided it was best to not have my daughter involved as she could simply state that a parent read this on their child's phone - which was precisely what I stated (also stating my daughter's concern was what prompted me to look at her phone).

I let my daughter know - she wanted to make sure that the counselor would talk with him - I am not sure if she realizes that this would result in an investigation. I did not tell her.

I told her that yes, she was going to speak to him and look for any physical signs (but my guess is he will have any covered or if in his words he doesn't bruise easily - I also read that in the texts).

But at this point the adults will take care of it - she doesn't need to worry or be involved.

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I think I would have talked to the kid privately to verify what is happening. Kind of an intervention with you, daughter, husband and this boy. Non threatening, just out of concern, etc. , is there anything we can do, etc. , daughter is upset, etc.

It just needs to be verified, Especially if he says he’s “calling everything off if she tells anyone.” She needs to tell him that other adukts need to help out since this seems to be escalating.

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@PUNKEY,

I don't think he would have talked to anyone else - reading the texts he seems to only trust my daughter - I think in part because she had been going through some issues herself so she confined in him on things she was having difficulty in dealing with.

We are aware of what has been going on and she regularly speaks with a therapist to help her cope/deal with friends and teen pressure - tough because each teen is so different but I believe this is why.

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He was called into the office to speak to the counselor -- I know this as he communicated this to my daughter - according to him he told them this is all crap and that is it.

He knew right away it came from her because she is the only one he has told this to - she did let him know I read her texts - that I have her password and she didn't know I was going to read them. They are still communicating together and I think she has convinced him to speak to this counselor --- she told him how much she trusts him and how she only broke his trust because she is only 16 and cannot handle the situation herself.

I think he is warming to the idea of getting help.

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