Problem with college friends using family vacation home

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My family allowed my daughter and some of her friends use their brand new home for spring break. My daughter is probably about the most responsible college aged kid you would ever meet. We know most of her friends and felt they were responsible as well. Now there was no damage just drama and lack of appreciate or care.

They have a group of friends - about 7 girls - 3 of the girls have recently been more clicky - not including others and whenever one of the other girls walks in they stop talking - drama stuff like that. These 3 girls went to the home along with one other of my daughter's friend. My niece (the daughter of the family that owns the home) is 30 and lives in the area so she came and spent some time with them as well and another friend of my daughter who had moved to Florida also spent some time there.

All that was asked of them was to clean the bathrooms, kitchen - basically clean all after they were done and to weed. They could stay for free and use any of the facilities (pool and other public facilities). So the three girls decided they wanted to do something different one day and went off. My daughter, niece and the other friend went about an hour away. She left forgetting she had the only key - no one else remembered either.

While they were all out , the three girls arrived back and realized they couldn't get in. So they got mad at my daughter and just sat their for 3 hours waiting for them to get back - since then they were very mean to her even after she apologized. The girls went out that night and no one that had a car wanted to drive - they asked my 30 year old niece to drive them and she said no because she had to work the next and was tired. Their comment - you made us wait for 3 hours the least you could do is drive us!

So the next day the 3 girls were heading back to school. My daughter and the other friend were going to leave the next day. So my daughter said they would take care of everything else if they could just clean their bathroom. They just left and didn't even clean their bathroom.

I am livid - there is even more to the story where my daughter had a mild panic attack - but in any case - what you advice your daughter about these girls and anything you would do about it?

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@Linkat,

I think it's time for your daughter to get away from the 3 girls who are being immature.

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Most likely the dorm rooms these girls live in are also left in the same bad shape. No surprise.

Unfortunately, your daughter got left with their mess at the cottage. Now she knows who to trust.

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@Sturgis,

I basically told her these friends are toxic and sometimes you need to break up with your friends.

My daughter is too nice pretty much. She took all the blame and what set me off was I simply asked her how she was doing. She said not great - that she thought she was doing the right thing but apparently wasn't. Then went on to say she had a small panic attack and that her whole body was shaking.

She blamed herself for her friends being mad at her due to the whole key thing and then trying to help a different friend out which caused these 3 girls to also get mad at her.

I told her straight out it wasn't her fault and these girls are being selfish, self centered, etc. And I told her to stay away from them. She has several other good friends and there is no need to be around such people.

The thing is I have met these girls and they did seem really nice. We met the family of one of them and the other I have met her mom - I am shocked and surprised that they would leave without cleaning even if my daughter was completely in the wrong. I thought they had more moral character that they would respect the home of someone that was gracious enough to allow them to use it at no cost.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

Most likely the dorm rooms these girls live in are also left in the same bad shape. No surprise.

Unfortunately, your daughter got left with their mess at the cottage. Now she knows who to trust.

My daughter did room with one of these girls last year. Her family was really nice when we met them - and they offered up for my daughter to go to their home whenever as they live just a few hours away. It certainly surprises me that she would have done this.

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@Linkat,

I'm going to use some terribly old-fashioned words.....your daughters 'guests' were rude, disrespectful and ungracious. I'm sure part of your daughters distress is profound disappointment in her 'friends'. All of the invited girls knew they were in a friends vacation home, the disregard and disrespectful behavior indicates they are clods, ingrates and superficial. They are not worth your daughters time or friendship. She may not understand that right now, but I hope she puts some distance between herself and these bad-mannered, impolite, graceless girls.

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@glitterbag,

glitterbag wrote:

I'm going to use some terribly old-fashioned words.....your daughters 'guests' were rude, disrespectful and ungracious. I'm sure part of your daughters distress is profound disappointment in her 'friends'. All of the invited girls knew they were in a friends vacation home, the disregard and disrespectful behavior indicates they are clods, ingrates and superficial. They are not worth your daughters time or friendship. She may not understand that right now, but I hope she puts some distance between herself and these bad-mannered, impolite, graceless girls.

That is pretty much what I told her.

So I reached out to her today - as they were all back at school last night. She had a "talk" with them. Seems the girl who was my daughter's best friend last year is the "ring leader". It irks me because my daughter was the one when they both freshman to reach out and make friends with this girl who seemed alone and unsure of herself - so my daughter went and started talking with her.

In any case the other two girls apologized. Not sure what this girl exactly said but according to my daughter she not only did not apologize she was down right rude about the whole situation. They were clear that the 3 of them were going to room together (rather than this larger group that was going to get an apartment together).

My daughter said she is no longer friends with the "rude" girl. She said she would have to see her around because she is friends with the others but my daughter said she is no longer hanging out with her.

I told her -- she should also limit her time with the other two as they obviously lack good judgement if they want to be friends with someone that is so hurtful and mean. I told her is better off and to circle herself with friends that are uplifting and positive.

I also told her that it is all their best interests if when I come to pick her up from the school - that none of those 3 girls are around. I certainly have no issue in letting them know exactly how I feel about their behavior and how they are never allowed in any of our family's homes.

I remember the last time our whole family went to visit last year. We stayed at a hotel that has kitchen and they have barbecues you can use on their grounds. We invited all my daughter's friends and their boyfriends to come over -- we fed about a dozen teens (including these 3 and two brought their boyfriends) - never again.

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@Linkat,

I think you gave her good advice....it's easier (relatively) when you're older to separate yourself from bad influences. But only because you and I have lived thru disappointments...doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or sting, but I want to be judged on my character...not by the crappy behavior of others.

I've been thru similar situations with my kids, you and I might get furious, but the kids are loyal (hopeful and more forgiving) to their friends.....I absolutely hate it when others give my kids unnecessary grief.

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@glitterbag,

Thanks - I think you are right. The first good friend I officially "broke up" with was when I was in my late 20s. In a conversation on the phone when she berating me because I did not personally call her to tell her my weekend bachelorette party was off. I had my mother talk to everyone instead because my future father in law was killed in auto crash and we had to immediately fly across country. When she got angry about that on the phone (and even before this terrible incident she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be in my wedding any more), I just said -"that's it I no longer want to be friends."

Yeah I was slow - it took someone being so selfish that a family death being less important to her than a weekend away taught me sometimes it is just better to cut your losses.

My daughter is probably a bit quicker than I was.

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