Adoption: Our family's story

I've written the below post to illustrate that not all adoptions work out for the best. Due to it's episodic length, I've glossed over many things. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

My wife and I decided to adopt a child back in 1983. We already had a daughter by birth who was born in 1980 and we wanted a second child. For a variety of medical issues, we were not able to have another child by birth.

Due to the length of the waiting list, we had to be very flexible as to the age of the child. Not many children were available under the age of 1. Plus, we opted to consider "special needs" children, as those without any issues were scarce.

Right from the start, we were told by Social Services that we would need to travel somewhat within our province (B.C.), once tentative selections were made. Due to privacy issues, it was not possible to adopt in the immediate area of where one lived. We weren't happy about that, but accepted what we were told.

We had the usual home studies and background checks done. All was fine, although my age was going to be an issue if the waiting went on for a long time. I was 32 at the time, and at age 40 you would not be considered as a potential adoptive parent. This was at that time. I don't know if this restriction has now changed.

Anyways, we waited 3 1/2 years before our first child was offered to us. He was a native boy who had been abused and had suffered some burns. We were given all the pertainent details as to where he lived, etc. We were making preparations to do the visit. Then, we got a call that the boy was no longer available, as they found a "more suitable" couple. We never did get a proper accounting of that. We guessed it had to do with the lad's culture, and white couples were not the preferred choice.

So, another 6 months went by. I was now 36 and time was passing us by. Out of the blue we get a call that a white, mentally-challenged girl would be perfect for our family and that we were the preferred choice for the selection. Now here is the "kicker". She was located in a neighbouring city less than a 30 minute drive away. After being told that this sort of thing "never happens", it happened. At time, we didn't care that they bent the rules.

We go in for a meeting with the social worker that was assigned to us. She gives us a few more details, like the girl is 5 1/2 years old and some background. Another meeting is set up and we're sent to the social worker that was handling our potential adoptive daughter's case. Of course we're nervous.

Anyway, we arrive at the office of the "other social worker". There is a rather strange woman sitting in the waiting room who kept staring at us. We shrugged this incident off at the time, but I'll get back to this later. We are unexpectantly ushered very quickly to an office. The worker appears flustered.

We are told that this girl (her name is April) was apprehended at about age 2 from the parents, who also had mental health issues. The worker says she had many temper outbursts, but rarely had them at all anymore. So, from what we were told, my wife and I decided to go ahead to the next stage and set up an appointment to meet April. We were given the address of the foster parents.

Subsequently, the initial meeting came off alright, although we were not overly impressed with the foster parents and the environment in which April was living. It came out later that she was sharing a bedroom with the son of the parents. Also, their relationship to April didn't seem age-appropriate. They seemed to baby her a lot. After this, there were about another half dozen meetings, or so.

The foster mother was very talkative though. We gathered that April's social worker and her "coffee'd" together and a lot of small talk was exchanged. She told us that apparently, the rather strange woman sitting in the waiting room with the first meeting was none other than April's birth mother. No wonder the worker was flustered! We were not to know anything about the birth parents other than very general stuff. Also, the foster mother let it slip, that April had a sister called Melody, who was 2 years older than her. Melody (from what all we could gather) was a "normal child" and did not suffer from any of April's challenges. She also mentioned that this had been in the newspapers.

When my wife and I got home from that meeting we discussed this. I could vaguely remember a case that had made TV news several times. It had to do with Social Services apprehending this baby because it was felt that this mentally-challenged couple would not be able to properly raise a child. The curious type of guy that I am, I went to a library's newspaper archives and was able to find the relevant stories. Sure enough, there it was! I was shocked to find out that it was billed as the "longest running court case of it's kind" in BC history. The article was about Melody being apprehended (April's sister).

I followed up to see if there were more stories and came across another. It showed a photo of the birth mom and dad, and, of course, their last name. The story went on to say how the parents did not feel that they were ready for their first child, but subsequently, the mother was pregnant again. She was asked in the story after she gave birth, "What will you name the child?" "April Lee" was her answer. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. We were the adoptive parents-to-be of this child. I can tell you, it was a very spooky feeling. Due to this case being in the media spotlight, we were able to find out all this background that was untold by Social Services. If nothing else, it gave us a more detailed explanation of April's situation.

Then, it came about that April's social worker asked us if we wanted to take her to our home to live, but we had to be sure that we would probably adopt her if we went ahead with this. We got the impression that she was really pushing this very fast (about 2-3 weeks from initial meeting). We asked several times to see the complete file on her, but was never made available to us to, what appeared to us, be a bogus reason. We were finally able to read it just before we did formally adopt her many months later. Well, we were told "off the record" that if we returned April to Social Services due to things not working out, that we would go to "the bottom of the list" and could be waiting another 3 years. We tried not to show our shock from this comment. Remember, my age would have been a factor shortly.

So, April came to live with us in October 1986. We all made big efforts to make sure that she felt part of the family, and our other daughter really liked the idea of having a younger sister. There was 2 years between them. Well, we soon found out that what we were told about rarely having temper outbursts was a complete fabrication. Also, her speech was very poor. It was difficult to make out her speech some times, but we got through it all. It required a great deal of patience on everybody's part.

One of the reasons we were considered for adoption was that my wife was a "stay-at-home-mom". It was a good thing, too, as April was like a full time job. Schooling was a huge challenge. Special needs education here is very patchwork. At least back then. She was a handful in the classroom, too. Many times teachers would call my wife and fill her in. April loved to feign illness. It wasn't until a little while down the road that all caught onto her tricks. The highlight of April's education was that we were able to successfully get her to read quite good. It was quite an accomplishment which the doctors said would probably never happen.

In July 1987, the adoption proceeded formally. April was given a new birth certificate that had our last name on it. Although we didn't really like the given names, "April Lee", we decided it would be best to stick with what she already knew, seeing her age and challenges. It wasn't until just before the adoption was finalized did we finally get to see the complete file on her.

It was packed with stuff that we really should have known in the beginning of this process. For example, April was apprehended at age 2. She languished in foster homes for 3 1/2 years! Apparently, a "deal" had been struck with the birth parents. April's sister, Melody, was taken virtually at birth. When the birth mother became pregnant again, due to the controversial nature of the first apprehension, Social Services said we will let you keep the second baby for now, with help, and only if you get your "tubes tied". Well, the long and short of this sad story is that it didn't work out, even with in-home help. My wife and I found this interesting though, in light of what had happened before and the deals that get made. We were smack dab in the middle of this stuff.

There was a report from a child pyschologist that was done when April was about 2. It stated that it was extremely important that she be placed as soon as possible. These were her formative years and, if not placed in a timely fashion, there would be bonding issues. Years later my wife and I re-discussed this and these words would come back to haunt us.

At the time of the adoption, there was a lot of political stuff going on with the government and the Social Services department in regards to spending cuts, etc. All this time, our worker made visits to our home, but there was no real help for us though. It was not until many years later that some help did come in the form of "respite care".

Then there were the umpteen trips to our Children's Hospital for all the various tests that she required. Everything from genetic to behaviourial tests. These were usually "all dayers" requiring me to take time off from work. It was quite exhausting to deal with.

During all this time, there was practically daily issues to deal with in the home in regards to April. Rarely a day went by that there wasn't trouble of some kind. The relationship between the daughters was wearing thin, despite good efforts. As parents, we were feeling burnt out. Our biggest regrets were that our birth daughter didn't get the kind of childhood that all kids should have with pleasant memories.

When April was about 16, we found out that we were eligible for some respite. This involved her staying at another home with a family that basically acted as a "very temporary foster care', for lack of a better name. We received 4 of these days per month. We were legally responsible for April until age 19, and she did live with us until that time. After that, we had decided that she would be living full time in another situation. We felt that we had more than fulfilled our reponsibilities.

It was Social Services' job to find her accomodation. Group homes did not want her, as they felt she would not fit in. Fortunately, for all involved, the family that did the temporary respite care, applied to have April stay in their home - a well-paid position, by the way. All that aside, they're good people, but like us, have also carried on to have much problems while April carries on into adulthood. She is on various medications to control outbursts and mood swings.

Years later, adoptive parents of special needs children were given extensive help so that the adoption doesn't break down and the child returned. We were never eligible for this help, as they refused to go retroactive. Very short-sighted, because now they are paying big-time with her being an adult.

April (now 23) cannot hold down any job of any kind. During the day, April attends an adult recreation program, sponsored by the community, for adults of various challenges. There are persons of varying ages there. Due to her problems, the program insists that Social Services provides a full time aid whose sole job is to deal with her.

My wife and I have very mixed feelings about April, and the adoption in general. Don't get us wrong, we love her. We still have regular contact, even though she no longer lives in our home, but for 13 1/2 years, we had terrible problems to deal with. Many times we have reviewed the past years. We feel that if only we had her at age 2, instead of 5 1/2, it might have made all the difference. It really wasn't the fact that she was mentally-challenged, but it was her behaviour that got her in constant trouble. Social Services was not a lot of help most times. We also felt that April's worker lied to us, and held back her file for good reasons. She was in 3 foster homes for 3 1/2 years, and then, "all of a sudden" it seems that there was this big push to get her off their books, so to speak.

This has been a difficult story for me to tell, but I thought it was an important one.