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Thu 14 Feb, 2019 02:33 pm
I've been with my wife for 20 years and we've been married for 12 years. Things have been good the last 10 years with minor hiccups.
The problem I'm having is that 19 years ago when we had been dating about 15 months I found out she had been seeing another man.
She claimed the liked him and was conflicted. Then her friend let it slip she had also kissed a guy at an after hours party. Keep in mind she was 21 years old at the time.
The guy she was seeing told her he didn't want to see her anymore because he found out about me.
She swore she didn't have sex with the guy she was talking to and didn't even know the name of the guy she kissed.
Our first child was born about a year and a half later and that locked us into each other.
The next 5 years were far from pleasant. She constantly accused me of cheating (I wasn't) fished for rumors and believed everything she heard. Used our child as leverage to get what she wanted. She was a horrible girlfriend.
She adamantly denied having sex with the guy she had been talking to, but given my experience with her I found it unlikely they didn't have sex.
She blamed her cheating on false rumors she heard about me. She also blamed her friend having sex with this guy's friend for her even meeting the guy. Ironically I know this other guy very well, but played dumb.
14 years ago she broke her ankle and was in a full leg cast for 2 months. As soon as the cast was removed for no reason whatsoever she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore.
For the next few weeks she began going out 3 or 4 nights a week and not coming home until 4am. Hiding her phone. Lying. Very obvious cheater behavior.
Everything came to a head one night when she came home at 4am and an argument ensued in which she attacked me. I pushed her away and she fell down the stairs. She broke her nose in the fall and filed a domestic assault report against me.
A few days later she apologized. She claimed she wasn't seeing anybody and had only been hanging around a guy because he reminded her of her ex boyfriend. Yeah, I know.
I beat the domestic charge and we got married and everything has been pretty good since then.
However in 2010, 10 years after she cheated on me, she finally confessed she had sex with the guy she was talking to. She said they had sex 2-3 times and he used a condom.
Anytime I've ever attempted to get her to disclose details about this she shut me down immediately. I wasn't overly upset because I had always assumed she did have sex with him.
The guy has worked out at the same gym with me for over 10 years. He's attempted to start conversations, asked me for fitness tips, but it's awkward. I'm not mad, I just feel dumb.
After ten years this guy finally asked if we could talk. He apologized and said he had no clue we were together.
I told him it was fine and mentioned how she denied having sex with him for 10 years. The guy interrupted immediately and denied having had sex with her.
Now rather than give a play by play account of how this escalated, I'll just point out the the contradicting memories.
My wife was furious when I said the guy denied having sex and claimed she planned to confront him. She was actually convincing enough that I became upset thinking he had lied to my face.
I ended up talking to the guy again and unlike my wife's story, his story never changed. And he had details.
My wife said they talked/dated for a month and hungout at least 8-10 times. She was unable to tell me anything they ever did other than watched TV.
The guy says they hungout 3 times. The first time at a bar and after hours at his house and this was the only time they messed around. He said all they did was kiss.
The second time they went to a movie with her friend and the other guy I mentioned earlier.
The third time they hungout at a bar.
He said this all transpired in a week and a half tops.
I was around and we were still dating. I saw her daily. There is no way she hungout with this guy more than a few times. Also the time I found out about this guy to the time it ended lasted less than 2 weeks.
My wife says they had sex 2 or 3 times. She recalls no details other than he wore a condom. She also claims we weren't having sex and this is definitely false because we were.
Then she referenced the guy she kissed at the after hours. She always claimed she didn't know his name and that she didn't hang out with him.
With the information she gave me I actually figured out who the guy was. It was eating at me enough that i contacted him.
The guy did make the same claims of only having kissed, but he said they hungout at the bar and while there she told him about me and even where I was at. I checked my records and I was where the guy said I was at the time. He also said they went to the after hours together.
Furious I brought this back to my wife and she deflected by claiming she only did it to get revenge for the rumor she had heard. She also blamed her friend and the guy her friend was messing with
Determined to sift my way through the bullshit I decided to ask the friend about it. I've known him for years and he doesn't have a dog in this fight.
To my surprise he said that my wife had actually called him and told him to come over and meet her friend. He said it was the first time he had ever met the guy my wife was cheating with.
Clearly this is all fucked up. A woman who is adamant she cheated and had sex with another man. A man denying these claims. My wife telling me things that didn't happen between us that actually did. And I'm over here with a memory lining up with the guy my wife cheated with.
I then began focusing on the shady time period in 2005 when she kept disappearing and mentioned a random guy's name.
While some consider this nuts I consider it solving the issue. I contacted the guy. He was confused as to why my wife even mentioned him and said he saw her maybe twice and they never even talked.
I then remembered how way back in 2000 when she was cheating a random guy called her phone at 2am. I mentioned this and she said she doesn't know how he got her number and she never saw him.
When I asked her about disappearing in 2005 and to confess to whoever she was seeing she said she isn't going to confess to something she didn't do.
The problem with that claim is that she said the same thing for 10 years while denying having had sex with the other guy.
Het details about things have changed multiple times. Just recently she suddenly remembers staying the night at the guy's house.
She is acting the most understanding and nicest she has since I've known her. She's pleading with me to forgive her and move on, but clearly she can't be honest.
She blames her lack of details on having a horrible memory. Such an awful memory that can only retain information that makes her look good.
She does not remember sex nor can she remember how many times they had sex. But he used a condom.
She was NOT having sex with me.
She did NOT call the other guy to meet her friend.
Help. I suddenly feel like this woman is a compulsive lying cheater. I don't feel like I even know her. And I can't forgive and forget when she doesn't even respect me enough to be honest
You have serious issues man, why are you wasting your life away fretting over the past 20 years, get a life and live for today, life is too short fretting over what might or might not have happened.
@malc jones,
Because clearly the woman I married is a compulsive liar and cheater and I was oblivious. Let's see how you handle that
@Kickboxersean,
I agree with the other guy.
The Statute of Limitations has run on this stuff.
Either stay, or don't. Since you clearly don't believe or trust her, what are you doing hanging around?
Well am sorry but i still reiterate, you cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can change you mindset in the present to make a better future.
You sound like you want an excuse to get out of this marriage and you’re reaching for something to justify it.
After all, who would want to be with a “lying compulsive cheater”?
You’ve made your case.
@Kickboxersean,
Kickboxersean wrote:
Things have been good the last 10 years with minor hiccups.
You need to re-read that part again. You are burning down a decade of good years over something from twenty years ago.