Help! Need friendship advice quickly!

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Hi there!
I have been friends with someone for about 5 years now. She is very sweet in her own way but it is not a friendship that is very close anymore. On my end anyways. She is very emotionally needy and every time we get together I end up wondering why. All she does is talk about herself (non stop), never asks me how I am doing, and then acts like we are best chums. I don't think she does this on purpose or even knows she does it. That is just the problem. She is EXTREMELY over sensitive and CAN NOT TAKE A HINT. I have slowly started to back away from it in the past year hoping she might get the point. I feel so much better about myself when I don't hang out. I get tired of the relationship carrot being dangled in my face with the whole "you're my best friend thing." Then please prove it to me and start acting like it. She only really wants to meet up when she needs someone to talk to and it is only on her terms. Then we don't do anything for several months until she is ready to chat again. We see each other every Sunday and nothing is different. We only talk about her. Yay! As of recently, she got engaged. I am happy for her but don't want to be involved. Then my nightmare came true. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. I turned it down and said that I was really busy this year and wouldn't be able to give her the time she deserves for her special day. As true as that also is, the main reason I said no is because I am tired if being involved with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings about anything. I am also a devout Catholic so I believe that charity is extremely important when dealing with someone else. Vital, in fact. However, I really am worn out with the friendship rollercoaster and don't really want to be at the wedding. The reception specifically. I know I need to go and should probably still want to. I feel like I am already looking for every excuse in the book to get out of it. But since she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I don't think I can get away with even just attending the ceremony. I need some help. If I am truly stuck having to attend both, does anyone have ANY advice on getting through both? Or any advice for dealing with any of it all? No one really knows that this is how I feel. I don't want to destroy her feelings or cause awkward tension between us and others. There is more to the friendship situation that would be too long and painful for me to talk about. I need help. It did not help that I offered to be an ear for her since I said no. I am afraid she will take that and run. Help!

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 688 • Replies: 17

No is a complete sentence. Stick to the inabilty to be her bridesmaid.

Many people attend both or one event ( ceremony or reception) or neither. So what’s the issue.

There might be bridal showers, too, that will be asked of you.

This relationship is over for you. End it. Stop meeting with her. Stop answering her phone calls or texts. Be busy whenever she asks for contact.

She will move on. People like her always do.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Thank you for your input! I truly appreciate your help. I am mostly concerned that I will be judged very harshly if I don't go to one or both. That is mainly what I meant.

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@CocotheLebanese,

Also forgot to ask:. If I do attend the reception, am I obligated to stay the whole time? Especially since I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

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@CocotheLebanese,

No, but you are making this way too hard. As an attendee, you don't have to interact much with the bride. She will be doing bridal stuff. I'm guessing you run in the same friend circles, so you can mingle with your friends to your heart's content and have a good time. That you were asked to be a bridesmaid confers no obligation - you can stay as long as you are having fun, you can leave at your leisure.

1 Reply

@engineer,

Thank you! I agree, I am definitely making this way too hard. Lol! Typical me thing. With that being said, this is my first wedding as an adult guest (still young here). My mom and I have talked about this and she felt that because I am a "friend" and asked to be a bridesmaid, that would mean I am obligated to do more than an average guest. I needed different opinions. I just want time to know about all this stuff before the wedding gets here.

1 Reply

@CocotheLebanese,

No - you will be a guest only. The other bridesmaids will be doing things for the bride and help out with other things. Hang out with people you like.

Just go to whatever you want to. Just the ceremony, just the reception, both, neither .... whatever you makes you feel most comfortable.

I get the idea that you are self conscious about your decision. Maybe that comes from pressure for outside people - including your mom. No need to explain.

Just smile and say "I'm a guest this day and enjoying the event." That's it!!

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@PUNKEY,

Thank you so much for your kindness!

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@CocotheLebanese,

CocotheLebanese wrote:

I am mostly concerned that I will be judged very harshly if I don't go to one or both.

Judged by whom?

Her?

Might be a good thing in getting her to understand it's over.

Judged by others?

I truly doubt anyone will have any thoughts about it one way or the other.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Thank you! I don't want to hurt her or be uncharitable but I do think I need to move on and not be so crippled by being judged and made the bad guy that I put my happiness aside. That and I already have a bit of a problem with getting myself stuck in unhealthy relationships because of it. Thanks a bunch!

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@CocotheLebanese,

Stop offering yourself up to her.

Quit with the sympathetic ear stuff. If you don't want to do it, then don't volunteer.

As for the ceremony/reception, you are really allowed to not go. However, receptions cost $$. If you're not going to go, tell her or whoever is footing the bill so they aren't stuck paying for your plate.

If you are going anyway, then do what thousands, nay millions of people before you have, when confronted with a party they didn't want to be at:

Dance with anyone! I bet older men (as in the groom's grandfather) would love to
Enjoy the food
Sit down and talk to someone who looks equally miserable or at least alone or lonely. Male or female, young or old; it doesn't matter. Don't trash the bride or groom. Just be nice and engage in small talk. Nothing deep. "Wow, those are great flowers!" "I just love these little mushroom appetizers." "How do you know the couple?" "Have you ever been to our town before?"
An open bar is your friend, so long as you're not driving -- so you might want to specifically make arrangements for an Uber

And finally, even if you go to the reception, you are under no obligation to stay until the bitter end. If you've been through the main course and are just dying to get out of there, then go.

The bride will be so busy and overwhelmed with everyone (and, as you noted, she's self-centered anyway), that she'll never notice.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you so much! Sometimes I need these types of reminders. As someone has severe social anxieties and depression, it can already be hard to have fun and seem present at these events as it is. But keeping it casual but polite seems to be the best way to go. I know. Everyone gets on to me for being too involved and for what? I think I have kept the friendship going for longer than I should because I always hoped it would turn into something deep. But.....it never has. I also don't have any super close friends and that never helped me. I always feel too guilty and I never am honest with myself or anyone because of it. I think it would be best of me to attend and remain an acquaintance. That way I still feel charitable (because no one deserves anything else) and we can go separate ways in peace and with no bad blood. I have to say, her family has been and is going through some stuff that I can't imagine going through. For that reason alone, I have always tried to make excuses for her and be sympathetic in a way that has not been healthy for me. At some point you are 20 and if you haven't figured out why people don't enjoy being around you, I can't take responsibility for that. She deserves nothing less than love and respect, but if my charity suffers from it, the friendship is not worth it. Sorry this is so long. This is the first time I have had the chance to be real about this. I really respect and appreciate your advice!

1 Reply

@CocotheLebanese,

You seem awfully concerned about what others think. Believe me, for 99.9% of the things you do, you’re not even on anyones radar. You want to know why? Because the vast majority of people realize others get to live the life of their choice. Same as they know they get to live the way they want without you having any say so in it.

As far as guilt? Classic Catholicism. Screw guilt. That’s right. Screw....guilt. You’re doing absolutely nothing to be guilty about, and if you think that, then you’re committing one of the 7 deadly sins of pride. That is making yourself so self important that you think you have that kind of power over others, to make them feel bad, or make them talk about you.

Know your place in the world. You aren’t important to the wedding, and you get to not associate with people you don’t want to.

1 Reply

@CocotheLebanese,

1. you said no to being a bridesmaid. end of.

2. there is no need to attend the wedding or the reception unless you really really really want to.

3. just keep saying no and avoid contact with this person as much as is practicable. do NOT offer an ear/help/support. back away as actively as you can.

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@CocotheLebanese,

CocotheLebanese wrote:

don't really want to be at the wedding. The reception specifically. I know I need to go and should probably still want to.

you don't need to go and there is no reason you should want to

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@chai2,

Wow! At first I must admit, I was kind of thinking "ouch." But, you are completely true and very wise. I appreciate it. I agree with everything you just said. I love my faith, but a lot of people in my Catholic circles expect A LOT of me behavior wise (like I am still a young child 🙄) and yes, there is a lot of gossipy and over sensitive moods that go around. That I need to get over and move past. My mom agrees as well and just lectured me about the truth of what you just said. This year my plan has been to take a step back from the people I am normally around and get healthy and treat my Body Dysmorphia. lf I truly loved myself worrying about what other people think/say would probably never be an issue. Thanks again!

1 Reply

@CocotheLebanese,

Maybe you could stop hanging in circles of people, regardless of who they are, that expect of you things you don’t want to give, and start associating with those who accept you just as you are.

They’ll be ok. They’ll find others to try to control and gossip about.

Don’t confuse being charitable with being a doormat

Help! Need friendship advice quickly!

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