Wed 9 Jan, 2019 12:12 pm
I met my husband going on 15 years on eHarmony. We hit it off and I knew he was the one. Over time, I feel he started to change. I was always trying to please him and do things to make him happy but things weren't reciprocated. He had a list a mile long of things he’d prefer me to do a certain way or how he would like his clothes folded but things I asked, he would do them for a few days then stop or just not do them at all.
He is your A typical type male. I don't mean that in a bad way. We had a huge argument and he felt the need to tell me then that I was his 3rd marriage and that he had another daughter. We never talked about past relationships other than a few here and there but the past is the past. But, when you have a lie like this that you kept from me? This hurt me a great deal. He said that he got to the point where he can’t hate someone and never care about them again. That’s what she did and that’s why he doesn’t talk about her or his other daughter. That was the first time I brought up divorcing him.
Let me point out that when we argue, I feel I try to have an adult conversation with him and I never put him down or throw stones at him yet he feels the need to constantly put me down and how horrible I am. He should have been a lawyer because he would always come out in the end smelling like roses and making me feel as if everything was my fault and I was to blame. He points out things to me that are wrong and then gets upset when I'm defensive because I'm tired of it.
Fast forward to today. He doesn’t respect me. He walks in front of me, never holds the door for me, doesn’t say please or thank you for ****… He wants me to cook, clean and be his sexy love goddess whenever he wants. The only action he gets now is when he takes are of himself. I'm not doing it. I’ve pointed all this out and how it makes me feel. He needs to respect me. This led to another huge argument where he told me that “he needed someone that complimented him and I wasn’t it.” He told me that the sex with his ex’s were better than a rag doll like me. I told you he could be down right mean and plus he has anger issues that I’ve pointed out. He’s lazy and doesn’t take care of himself. He tells me terrible things when we argue and the next day when I try to talk calmly to him before he goes for zero to a thousand and blows up, then and only then will he MAYBE apologize to me and that he was wrong.
Financially, he’s almost caused us to go bankrupt twice and I’ve told him there will never be a third. I would leave before that happened. Now, I have a job and the only source of income right now. I’ve always been frugal but yet I will splurge once in a blue moon. He buys a used Audi S8 without my knowledge and expects me to be happy about it and then when I make him sell the car because we can’t afford it, we find out the car was wrecked yet the dealership sold it to HIM as certified pre-owned. I told him not to buy the darn car to begin with. My splurges; the biggest purchase was a prada purse for $2K.
This last argument, I called my mother to ask if I could come live with her and to tell her what was going on. I don’t involve family much because that creates other drama I like to avoid. When I said that I would forgive him, he seemed fine and seemed like he was trying. Yet I could still tell something was still off with him and he was still holding back. A discussion yesterday with him, he called my mother an idiot and that he would never forgive them for getting upset for the things he said to me. HELLO, they’re my family and can get upset. They have said he needs to prove himself to get back on good terms. But he has written them off. This really pisses me off. After everything that I’ve put up with and moved on to focus on our future and us, I feel like he’s using me. We don’t talk about much at all. I see him and how he’s let himself go and it upsets me to even look at him. Little things he says to constantly correct me on how something should be done because I don’t do it his way. It all pisses me off…
I’ve saved separation papers on my computer and I’ve kind of filled them out somewhat. I can’t talk to my family because they say leave. His family knows how he is and says I’m the best thing that he’s ever had or will have. They know he can be a hard ass and direct. I’m not happy but I love our life style even though I pay for it. I need an unbiased opinion on the matter. I appreciate any input and your time for reading my post. Thank you!
I think I answered my own question...
Sometimes just writing it down is all it takes.
It is obvious you know what to do - like you said you just needed to write it down. Probably re-reading it you can see it more clearly in black and white.
I was going to suggest the following - you say you have a good job. Depending on where you work and your benefits if your company offers you this EAP/Optimun sort of thing - use it now. We have it - you call up and they will provide different sorts of things help getting childcare, elder care, lawyers, and counseling.
I have used it from my company. I think you would benefit from the lawyer reference (usually they give you a discount/free initial meeting); counselling - ours you can get 6 free session a year. That should help you more than we can.
After being married for almost as long as you have been and being a guy I will give you my understanding based on what I've seen in others and how I have responded in my own life to the real life struggles of a married a couple.
You are not going to be able to solve this dilemma in your current mindset because both of y'all are equally at fault however it's for the same reason that neither one of y'all are aware of
Both of you have what I call Looking Glass disease it's where you view the other one as having an inferior mindset and actions when compared to yourself and how much better you are
and both are waiting for the other one to change. Now I have no doubt that but he did the things you say he did but you overlook the things you've done so well for instance he bought a used car are there more efficient used cars he could have bought? Yes but there's many reasons he could have bought that car things like I'm more familiar with Honda's I know how to work on them to save me money so I will buy a Honda that cost a little bit more then say a Ford because I would have to take the Ford to the mechanic so in the long run it would cost me more so that maybe his scenario and it maybe not now you also pointed out that it was not his fault that it was in the condition it was in it was supposed to be certified so he got tricked just like you and being humans we all make mistakes however when compared to your purse which is purely a fashion statement that was made for about $10 by Nation person most likely it is a non-essential piece of life but you bought it for the pleasure and if you can afford it that's fine but just know that he views that purchase the same way you view his. Now people change and he shouldn't be the same person you married you should be totally different but so should you no one should be stagnant and stay the same person that means you're not living life and that's bad however growing together is what's important now I think you keep him on a leash of importance I say this because of how you represent your parents with a undertone of superiority royalty first class and him being in the "just the husband class" now I will tell you that a man's ego is a very very very powerful thing and we draw a lot of our importance and self dignity from being the leader the breadwinner the one bringing home the bacon and as we get older and we start to realize we're physically not invincible we're starting to not be as handsome as we used to be we're starting to hurt that starts to take its toll on a psychologically and then if we lose a job to where we're no longer The Breadwinner and the person that we protect and care for it becomes the breadwinner we have a massive identity crisis and feel worthless and do two are pathetic ability to express our emotions we usually end up with a shell of Defense around us that gets portrayed is asshole because we're hurting and we don't want to mention it or have you work on it because it hurts more so we get mentally claustrophobic and we usually end up being an asshole and him not wanting to deal with things as a good sign of it because that means it makes him think about what is hurting. With all this said doesn't matter what either one of y'all does the other ones not willing so my advice would be find the right way to communicate with each other.