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Sat 22 Dec, 2018 12:12 am
Ok so I have been with my gf for 5 years my emotions are always up and down with her when it comes to her fantasies. The problem is that when we first met she had informed me 3 weeks in that she was having sex with her ex boyfriend who happens to be married. She admitted that she initiated the affair with this man who she has known for 10 yrs and she has been seeing him on and off for many years purely for sexual desire. I must state that she did not want a relationship at first but 3 weeks in she fell in love with me. It was a few months in that we started the relationship but she continued to see this man once a week. It then got to a point where I told her I can't cope with what she was doing and was ending it, she said no that she no longer sees him as she felt too guilty because she loved me too much. Now this has been as on off issue for me because we talk openly about our lives our thoughts and our fantasies. But it's that constant fantasy of my gf's that she is wanting almost craving sex with a man she kept to sex in the past with her ex not because of emotions but purely for health reasons. Now during an intimate moment she curled up with her hands over her eyes because this fantasy "again" entered her mind. I no longer wanted intimacy and the next day we discuss it and she tells me she wants me as her queen her wife because she loves me but this fantasy is something that she would never just fulfil but if she did want to she would talk to me about it first and how she can be in the street see a man and the need is there . Now I'm totally blown away by this I told her I don't want any intimacy I can't even look at her on video chat. I guess I'm ashamed that here I am with so much love for her I never betray her yet she tells me this. Now if it wasn't for the fact that our relationship started with her having sex with her ex and her telling me she wants us both (at that start) then what she's telling me wouldn't be seen as such a threat but her lack of understanding of the hurt because she sees it as her just being open and honest then I don't know what to think or do so I have started to distance myself and not making plans other than on Xmas day to see her. I haven't seen her for a week because she has thrown herself into work which is something she never does and states "I feel guilty as I need to buy the fish the tank I promised them" that this could be really her guilt for hurting me i just don't know. She would never do anything but what's done is done and on one occasion at a house party she was flirting with a young boy and she blamed it on the drink as we don't really drink.
Now our relationship stands where she lives with family and I am at my home with my 2 children, I moved home to be closer to her. I came out only 6 years ago and this is my first lesbian relationship. I'm romantic and loving and I treat her with the up most dignity and respect and I surprise her by sending her flowers even ordering food yo be deoivered. She is loving but no so romantic and I have accepted her in the start I never judged her at all. In her past relationships she has had friendship rships with men who were much much older than she and she's had multiple partners at a given time but her longest relationship is with me but she has had relationships with 3 other woman but anything else was just about sex and experimenting.
To me I feel as though not being with me so that she can be free to see either a man (which she categorically does not want) and she can go back to being free to love or have sex with who ever she wants because she appears to be struggling atm with this want for the sexual fantasy of a man, but I think that there's more to it than that. I just don't know what to do but I don't want to hold her back from bring who she is so im just dampening down my emotions towards her and she's just working every single day except Xmas day when we will have dinner together. I have told her to spend Xmas day at home with her dad and we can go for lunch in the afternoon and I have arranged to see my family back home. Usually she complains and can't go this long without seeing me but maybe it's the guilt of her desires i don't know.
Im taking care of me right now so I'm barely texting and not responding because I need clarity on what to do or feel. I'm sorry if any of this appears a bit jumbled but I'm writing did just what my mind is thinking and what my heart is feeling.
I just don't know if this relationship can be saved pr do i just let her go.
@Sarlav,
She's bi. You're not. I imagine fantasies will creep in from time to time. Which is true for all of us. I love my husband 100%, yet I have an imagination. So does she.
The question is whether she acts on it.
I spoke to her about it and she tells me she will not act on it as she values what we have too much to sacrifice us. I'm the kind of person/woman who is old fashioned in that I only have fantasies that include her. She tells me she spoke to me about her thoughts because she feels as though she can but it hurts because she still messages this man her now married ex and if these fantasies have in the past been carried out then to me what's to stop it happening now. She shares her location with me so I'm not worried about where she is but I told her I don't and I don't think like that because if I did then it would be pointless being in a relationship where there's no trust. Yes she did say at one point she was Bi but that she could never be in a relationship with a man sharing with a man the things we do. What messed her up sexually was she dated a woman who many months down the line she fell in love with but what the woman did not state is that she was a trans woman. I will discuss her sexuality with her .
Sounds like you want an exclusive relationship. That means she does not “experiment” with others. Can she do that?
No harm in fantasies- and no need to reveal them to you (when she knows that bothers you.)
You are wise to pull inward and concentrate on yourself and clarify your own needs. She seems like she is very distracted by her sexual wants - wherever that takes her.
Thankyou. Yes I told her that I'm going to make me my priority as I have never done anything to hurt her as love is sacred. I feel as though she's fighting her real sexual identity but saying nothing about this fantasy she feels is the key and when it's discussed it brings it to the forefront but I told her it has to be discussed because by not doing so is foolish and makes me feel like a doormat and it is a punch to the heart. Yes i don't to share her with anyone else I had that for 7 months then when She stopped seeing him he messaged her 2 years into our relationship asking her to go the cinema but she point blank refused and was shocked at him even trying it on. He has been with other woman and fathered a child with one of these many women.
To me I could not be with someone who wanted an open relationship otherwise what's the point and someone will only end up hurt. I love her and at one point I told her we need to end it because I won't stop her from living the life the wants and we both just move on but she won't because there is a lot of love and this is the only issue as we have come such a long way. If she ever did do anything then there would be no us and I have over the years developed a sixth sense for infidelity and her conscience wouldn't let her do it.
I did read an article by 7 lesbian couples who have each been together for 30+ years which I told her and she wants that to be us. I certainly hope so but for now I'm going to not be so giving of my love because to me love is something to be nourished and treated with respect.
I do what ever makes her happy but it's time to make my happiness count to.
your honey is a bi and will crave male sex from time to time. it is ingrained in her lifestyle and I doubt she will change perhaps just hide from you. you appear to want a relationship with a lipstick lesbian so your current relationship will never click. you should dump her and find a compatible lesbian to settle down with.
@bunnyhabit ,
I know as that's my fear how I give years of my life to her and in reality she needs to be in another relationship that's open and allows her to be who she needs to be and I have many times told her this when ever this subject shows itself. To me it's not fare on either one of us and I don't want her to end up hating me. We have one life only and I don't want her to waste it with me because sometimes love just isn't enough. She is a very beautiful woman and she could have the cream of the crop bit over and over she tells me she doesn't want anyone else and she is mortified when she thinks I'm just going to walk away but I know you are right because I feel it to and I will sit down and talk to her about it. Her fear is that I will find someone else but my heart isn't like that and if this relationship does break down then I simply do not want another love I'm done with that. I spoke to her about the ex still contacting her and she maintains contact and he is there like a ghost in the shadows and she knows that if she wants him all she has to do is ask, a lot of hurt still remains with me but she just says it doesn't necessarily have to be him it could be any man and I told her that just does not help the situation. I feel as though I have to give her the same ultimatum of she lets him go or me, which I have done before and she just stated it would make her unhappy because she loyal to her friends and yes I asked about her loyalty to me. She's always smart with her answers but it doesn't make it right. We are very different but in some ways but it doesn't create any issues we just compliment one another but to me at some point I feel strongly that it will become too much for her. But yes I know your right
Well we did what is meant to be done and we talked. We can't walk away because there's been a great deal of hard work gone into what we have and I think if there's only one issue then it shows that however perfect you feel for one another that there is always that something going to make it not quite right but you don't give up you keep working at it because we have a love worth saving.
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