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Wed 24 Oct, 2018 04:06 am
She has always been one to cancel plans at the drop of a hat....Her husband died 2 years ago, and she is wallowing in self pity, letting those around her coddle and comfort her. ALL EXCEPT FOR ME, EACH AND EVERY THING I TRY TO DO FOR HER IS REJECTED, unless it's something she wants: money, or a favor. Example: We have been planning a Christmas day family get together at her home, the last 2 weeks....Yesterday, she informs me that her depression has worsened to the point that she cannot host this Christmas party(TWO MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD!,MIND YOU!!).As always, she uses this "deal with it' attitude....she is so sweet kind and loving to EVERYBODY ELSE, in our family: My other sister, her kids, grandkids and Church folks and friends, but if it is ANYTHING to do with me, she wants no part of it. UNLESS, it's for money she needs, or something else she needs done or help with....When I 'called her on the carpet' about this, she NATURALLY comes up with "My life has been SOOOO difficult!", and I'm NOT arguing this, she has gone thru a lot. BUT, as for this Christmas party, I assured her she would not have to lift a finger or spend a dime, I was taking care of everything. End result, she tells me she's going to be depressed TWO MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD AND CANNOT DEAL WITH IT???....Insight, please, it's driving me insane.
@Stevep64,
Only she knows how well she can handle crowds and holidays, both of which may be reminding her of her late husband.
Has she gotten counseling for her depression? Just walking around numbed with grief is not fun for anyone and no, she's probably not "wallowing" in it.
So why is she seemingly so difficult with you? Maybe because, by what I'm reading here, you don't seem to have much sympathy for her and what has happened to her.
She's under no one's timetable to just snap out of it, and certainly not yours. See:
https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-long-does-grief-last
Suggest counseling for her grief if she isn't already getting it and then butt out. Get over what, to me, seems like you are taking personally the fact that she's not suddenly fine and dandy and ready to wholeheartedly embrace your generous yet self-controlled offer.
Next time (for there will be a next time if you want to remain in touch -- and you don't have to, BTW), offer something a lot smaller and with more choices for what she can be a part of. Turn it down
several notches with her.
You have presented her with a huge ready-made, take-it-or-leave-it scenario. I'd be overwhelmed and looking to make other plans, too, and my husband's alive and kicking.
Why are you hosting a holiday dinner at her house? Just hold it at your own or maybe the local church. Even is she won't have to lift a finger, it is still stressful having people in your house. She has given you plenty of time to find a new venue.
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