Cant get over my affair partner

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I have had a long term affair for 12 years. I realised I didn't want this man full time but I loved the way he saw me. I loved the version of me he showed me. We have finally ended it. I wanted a break and he was fed up of waiting and wanted to try to be Happy with someone else. We have done that so many time thru the years and always came back to each other. But this time it's different. He has found someone else. He wants to give it a go with her. He said he'll contact me if he's free again and asked me to do the same if i split with my hubby, tho he's not making promises that he'll be free to be with me. The thing is. I am still wanting him. I don't want to be with him forever I just want him to want me like he used to. Believe me...I know how i sound like the most terrible person. I have a lovely hubby but i miss my AP so much. I know ill get lots of abuse but I do really want advice on how to stop wanting to keep this man in my life. I want to be happy with my hubby, like I was happy with him but I know I cant do this while still wanting my AP in the background. I know how horrible I sound. Honestly I do...But please try not to just be angry. Please give me some advice on how to let him go. Neither of them deserve to be treated this way. Thank you for reading this.

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@Gill800,

You really don’t have a choice. Your AP has found someone else. He’s gone.

Now you can direct all that time and energy into repairing your marriage.

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@PUNKEY,

... or ending your marriage.

In between sucks. Either go all in with your marriage or end it.

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@Gill800,

Gill800 wrote:

I have had a long term affair for 12 years.

I have a lovely hubby .

12 years of you wanting to be with someone else.

Your lovely hubby deserves to be with someone who desires him, who craves him, who wants to be wanted by him. I suspect that is not you.

Please consider allowing him to be with someone who will love him truly, madly, deeply.

Take some time to be on your own and learn what it is that will give you a full, happy relationship.

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@Gill800,

I don’t think you are a terrible person but from what you’ve said, all you are using 'AP' for is a mirror that makes you look good.

You must become your own mirror and like what you see before you can comfortably let go of AP.

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Thanks for your comments. It has made me think....the fact that the thought of letting my hubby go to be happy with someone else made me feel terrible. That was such an awful thought. There has to be something about that thought that is telling. I couldn't see myself with anyone but him. He is a wonderful kind lovely man. He just doesn't make me feel the way the AP did. But that wasn't real. What I have with him is. I need to work out a way of focussing on him and not the AP. He is not for me. My husband is.

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Thank you @Leadfoot I think im starting to realise that I have an issue with self esteem. And my AP has helped me not look at that too closely. I am now having to deal with the effect of it without him fluffing me up.

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@Gill800,

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I'm going through a similar thought process. It's the way the AP makes you feel good/loved/valued that makes this so hard as you're not getting that from your husband even though that's what you'd really need at this stage to make up your mind to let go of the AP.

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@Gill800,

Who carries on an affair for 12 years? I have a co-worker who's been cheating on his wife for 14 years with a woman who is married herself. I don't understand people like this. I don't have any advice for you but you have to really look deep in yourself and ask the question of "How can I be such a liar, deceiver, and piece of sneaky **** to a person who believes that I wouldn't do such a thing to them. I can understand maybe carrying on for year of two but when you cheat for a decade that is a special kind of evil in my opinion. I know I'm sounding harsh but that is how people like you need to receive advice. Shame on you for doing that to your man and we wonder why men are losing faith in women being good and wholesome anymore.

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@ChadSoul,

Quote:

I can understand maybe carrying on for year of two but when you cheat for a decade that is a special kind of evil in my opinion.

I've never seen such a beautiful example of moral relativism.

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@Gill800,

Its hard when you miss the AP but it does sound like he is serious about moving on. For that reason, I think you have to find a way to heal yourself. Good luck, I wish you the best

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