Mixed emotions about my wife's affair

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Hello,

I am an Indian guy married to a British girl. Ours is love-marriage. Considering that we both come from very different cultures and parts of the world, we do have different personalities. I am soft, meek and socially introvert person. my wife is smart, outgoing, bit dominant person. We compensate each other as none of us has problem accepting each other as we are.

A year into our marriage and my wife started feeling the void. As she was not getting the fun and excitement she had hoped from her husband. i tried to do things to keep my wife happy. It worked for a while but guess she felt that way anyway.

Few months back my wife confessed that she started an affair with someone she met at a out of town social event she attends. She was clear in saying that she loves me and I have all the qualities of a good husband. But she feels the fun and excitement with him and wants to continue with her affair.

I come from a troubled past (parent/ relatives issues), and been though bit of a troubled childhood. So I have my own phobias, insecurities. It took me 36 years in life to find love (my wife), and I love my wife and do not want to lose her. I did not take objection and my wife sees that man whenever she goes out for that event. and they spend time together, dates, etc.

Since my wife confessed about this, and having no objection from me, she has been keeping very happy. my wife's affair did not bring any distance or coldness between me and her. It has not disrupted any of the things that we do as husband and wife. And my wife approaches things we do with great energy and enthusiasm.

I have been having strong mixed emotions about this. One day I feel my mind is filled with lots of hatred, jealousy, anger. another day I feel humiliated and feel sorry to be a lesser man. And another day I feel just OK and happy with it. I love my wife and she loves me and we started getting along well again. My wife is happy and after all said and done, she decided to stay with me as my wife and accepts me as her husband.

Would like to know readers point of view.

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,022 • Replies: 6

Describe “fun and excitement” she gets from this guy.

Sex, money, and children keep couples together. Why do you think she stays in the platonic marriage with you?

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks for your comment.

She likesgoing out with him and doing out going activities. he is a typical tall, handsome, fit guy who is into cars, adventure sports and can keep her entertained and laughing. She likes enjoying his company and rise of emotions gets out of it. And feels stisfied and happy at the end in night with him.

Though I am socilly awakard and do not have the element that brings her fun and laughter and rise of emorional excitment, I am realiable, trustworthy and good home maker. He is unattached and do not want to tied down.

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Of course she's happy. She gets all of the candy and none of the lima beans.

Maybe ask her how she would feel if you had an affair, and if you were the irresponsible one.

Here's an exercise. Ask your bank if you can get her a credit or a debit card (doesn't matter much which one it is) and your name and SSN and anything else is NOT on it. That is, if you can get her a financial instrument that you have nothing to do with.

If that's possible (and it might not be), then watch how long it takes for her to default on her payments. Yeah, that's passive-aggressive. But her affair is, too. And I suspect if she starts getting collections letters, she'll be sweet-talking you about how awesomely responsible you are and how you are so much better at paying bills than she is.

Don't fall for it.

Why am I suggesting all of this?

Because this is a grown woman who gets to party while you stay at home. Of course she loves you for your stability and your responsibility -- because you keep a roof over her head and you keep her credit score from sinking into the 400s.

Or get her a plant to take care of. And don't step in if she doesn't water it (sorry plant -- but this is why I'm suggesting a plant and not a fish or a dog).

If you pulled even a tiny part of the rug out from under her, she'd have to either sink or swim. I'm guessing Party Girl would sink like a rock but I'm fine with being proven wrong.

If she gets pregnant, will the child be yours or his? And I bet Mr. Party Boy wouldn't sully himself with diaper changes and late-night feedings. Party Girl might not do much of that, either.

But guess who would?

YOU.

And you're a good, responsible, kind-hearted person and of course you don't want to see a child starve even if that child isn't of your DNA.

Don't get into this situation.

I think your anger is your true feelings. Don't suppress it. It's trying to tell you something.

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@jespah,

Thanks for your comment and insight.

I guess I need to be strong. I have spent so many years (almost all of my life) so be attentive and in service for other (starting with my parents, relatives, friends), that I don't know how. I understand it in theory and consciously, but at the moment in action I just freeze when I try to be strong or prove my point in front of others, especially to people in my day today life.

Anyway, I will try. You are right in saying whatevr you said.

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@Indian-Hubby,

You're conflicted in your emotions and that's ok. You are trying to use rational thought to justify being wronged. The problem is, there is no justification. You're just being wronged.

So there you have it. She's cheating on you and you allow it. When this affair is over, there will be another and another and another after that. When people show you who they are, believe them. She cheats. That's who she is.

But you're not like that.

If you want to stay in this marriage you have to accept you'll always be the second man in her life. You don't have to like it or even her. "Love" won't enter into the equation. It will be silent and easy.

If you think you deserve more out of marriage and for yourself, file for divorce. She probably won't even attempt to fight it - she knows why.

I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable with someone. But that's just me.

What do YOU think?

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if you can accept this open relationship more power to you. if you block her access to her lover seems it will you will be the loser when she walks away. have you considered how you will react when she tells you that she is pregnant? stuff happens that is unpleasant. would you accept her child from another daddy?

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