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Sun 15 Jul, 2018 05:31 pm
My sister has a history of lying about big and small things and i had pulled away from having a relationship long ago. My girlfriend has encouraged me to rekindle the sibling relationship and things have been going well. My girlfriend and my sister get along but my sister still has issues with lying which I see through so I have setup a personal boundary and do not get personal with her and mainly carry the relationship for her children's sake, they are 16 and 17 years old. My sister's husband is in prison for Drug related crimes and my sister doesn't make the best decisions with how she raises her children, she sounds like she has her head on straight but her actions on how she handles her children are rather weird like she is too casual about smoking, cussing, life lessons she teaches them, lying about things in front of her kids even though they know she is lying. Bunch of other stuff I won't get into. Well, anyway, my girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and has video chatted with her and always chats to the children and my sister when we have been around, each other. My girlfriend has been encouraging our relationship and actually fostered the reconciliation. My niece and nephews birthday is coming up soon and we received an invite to attend. I wanted to go but my girlfriend is not comfortable with my sister now and she doesn't want my sister and her lies to affect our relationship and told me she doesn't want me to go to the birthday party. My sister lives in a rather undesirable neighborhood, not really dangerous but run down and it looks scary. All her neighbors are kind of trashy and don't make very good life decisions so my girlfriend is also scared of something happening to me there. I tried expressing my feelings that I want to go to the party for the kids but she is mad at me and feels I don't care about her feelings on this. I feel torn, one she is my sister and her kids are my niece and nephews so I feel like it would be wrong to not attend. I don't necessarily feel comfortable with my sister either, I don't trust my sister and I would never get personal with her and keep it casual as she is also a gossiper and she allows everyone in the world into her life. When her husband gets out of prison I have already told her that I will not be around him as I don't trust him. My sister asked me if her and the kids could meet me and visit with them at a neutral site when that time comes and I have agreed to this. Anyway, I don't know what to do at this point. One one hand I love my girlfriend and respect her opinions and I also love my family even though I don't trust what comes out of her mouth. Long story short, My sister lies about weird stuff, big and small and my girlfriend doesn't want me around her. My girlfriend and I discuss everything and are really close and are a great team but she feels like I am not taking her feelings into consideration on this. She says she likes my sister but doesn't trust her and feels it will be toxic for me and us to have my sister in my life. Am I being selfish with this? Should I listen to my girlfriend?
@tymo29,
Tell your girlfriend you will go without her. But also agree to a hard stopping time, such as two hours (three? four? it's up to you) and then you're sorry, sis, but you've got to go.
If your girlfriend gets mad about this, remind her that you're doing this for your niece and nephew's sakes.
@jespah,
I have told her that but she still feels like I am not sensitive to her feelings on this issue. I only plan on going for 2 hours max, stop in, say hello, wish the kids happy birthday, have some food then bow out.
@tymo29,
Can you invite your sister and her children to a picnic at a park outside of her neighbourhood? pay for a cab/Uber to pick them up/drop them off. Have fruit and cupcakes, go for a walk, play a few games, give the kids small gifts. Two hours out of your life. If your girlfriend doesn't want to join - you can do it on a weekend she's not around. Her loss.
@ehBeth,
She doesn't want me to be involved whatsoever with my sister. She doesn't trust her and thinks it is negative on our relationship or will be negative and cause drama. Because I have healthy boundaries with my sister I won't let her cause drams but my girlfriend says that I don't have control of what drama my sister creates. I disagree because you can't have drama if you don't allow that drama to affect you. The party will have other people there so I can't pull them away from the party. My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so she wouldn't be able to attend anyway but I am not going to lie to her about going. I don't see why this is such a big deal. I mean I do see my girlfriends points and agree with her on how my sister lives her life, handles situations, raises her children, etc etc but that isn't my life.
@tymo29,
Until your niece and nephew turn 18, your relationship with them has to be through their mother. Full stop.
Your girlfriend needs to rethink the argument she wants to live and die on. This should not be that argument.
Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate the input.
@tymo29,
It doesn't have to be the same day as the party.
I was suggesting an alternative so you could avoid going to the neighbourhood that skeeves out your girlfriend.
I'm not much worried about your sister, but I think it would be sad if you didn't have at least a pleasant relationship with your niece and nephew.
A birthday party is not a good place to re- kindle relationships. I agree, arrange another kind of get together another day and place. Yes, a picnic.
But another thing: How is it that your GF is running your family dynamics? How is it that she was intercepting, then trying to reconcile, your relationship with your sister - and now has done a 180 and doesn’t want you to see your sister at all?
You are LD with GF. Are you meeting at all?