How much longer to put up with cold sexless wife?

I think that once someone cuts off sex, them marriage is pretty much dead. Maybe you could wait a month or so for the counseling to work. At some point you are going to have to call it quits. My advice is to not agonize. Either end it right now, or choose a date that you will end it unless there is a major change. When that date comes, take the step and don't look back.

I have never regretted my divorce. I don't know very many people who have. If a marriage isn't working, there comes a time when you just have to end it.

Yes I think that will be my plan. The counselor said to let 3 individual sessions sink in. If there is no progress at all, I will end it.

Should I let my wife know what the end date is or keep it to myself?

People fall OUT of love for a reason. You sound like you have no clue about her feelings or your action(s) which could have started eroding the marriage three years ago.

Can you think of a major event that happened then? Death, new baby, job change, affair, move? Legal problem? Health issue, financial strain, family issue, substance abuse, depression, weight gain, children, inlaws.....?

Good god man - think!!

Dude, she lied to me. She lied to all of us.

Her whole family was totally blind-sided by this.

She has told me for years that she doesn't have "high" sex drive, even before all this happened. She acted totally fine trading my money + back rubs for sex, that's just the routine we got in. She is suffering from post-partum depression plus self-esteem issues and other psychosis. She has this negative loop playing in her head, yet I have evidence from the last 3 years of her loving me: love letters, a few wild nights, pictures, she even drew a little I <3 You in our driveway with side walk chalk.

We're dealing with a beautiful woman with emotional issues. She is sick. We need to be strong and support her. It sucks, but thats what real men do. She thinks so low of herself, and I've given her significant compliments and she can't even see it. Very sad.

Yes having 2 kids back to back and dropping to a 1 income household has put a significant strain on us. But falling out of love?!?! C'mon man, you gotta be strong. Sometimes people get in car accidents and lose their legs. What kind of work ethic is that!!

I'm just frustrated. Sooooooooooooo frustrated and helpless. I pray, but I only have so much stamina. I can't do this forever...

Punkey is a tough-love kind of person, particularly with male posters. It is excessive but it isn't personal (many posters here have felt Punkey's disapproval).

Set a date.... be open until the date arrives (if you going to wait, you should give it a chance to work or what's the point). Then when the date arrives and nothing has changed, leave and don't look back.

You seem...rather self centered here. It could be my imagination but...um...you don't seem to think you could possibly be the issue.

Now don't get me wrong, she may have plenty of issues, but namely you're her biggest one. I'm not all that sure what this is supposed to mean, "She acted totally fine trading my money + back rubs for sex" because it reads like a prostitute that you gladly pay. In which case, she may want a pay increase.

And why does her family know about her lack of sexual prowess? EW. That's a really weird conversation to have - "Psst, mother-in-law, tell your daughter to have sex with me more often!" Leave her family out of YOUR marriage, that's helpful advise for anyone, let alone you.

The comparison of losing one's legs as a simile for your marriage is well below any type of "support" from a husband to his wife. That's not nice nor is it fair. Be careful of such comparisons, they do tend to come back to haunt you at the least opportune time.

If you think you're frustrated, I can only imagine what she feels, being married to you. Sex isn't a "job" to be performed like a dancing monkey so if you continue to treat her like one, you're be the one who's unemployed as a husband.

Rub one (or a few) out once in awhile, you're not helpful, just lazy.

This is more than a little nasty, I think it crosses into man-bashing. I doubt that Neptune would be so judgmental were this a woman making similar complaints about a marriage with her husband.

In a healthy marriage, both partners give sex willingly. Once one partner is withholding sex, or the other partner feels the need to beg (or pay or work) for it, the marriage is basically dead. This has nothing to do with gender... marriages only work when both people are giving to each other sexually.

The OP seems to want to be free of this awful marriage. The idea that he needs to worried about being "unemployed" is a little silly. It seems to me that he will be much happier once he is free from this woman. The idea that he should "rub one out" because his partner is withholding sex from him is both ridiculous and offensive.

What he should do is find a partner with whom he can have a giving, caring and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Five years married and two kids later, OP is complaining his penis is not the center of his wife's universe. It's not man-bashing to think she may have other priorities other than "servicing" her husband.

Dry spells happen and if he wants to throw in the towel now on their marriage, so be it.

What would you say if the genders were reversed? If a woman were complaining that she is frustrated because her husband ignores her and doesn't meet her needs... would you be so nasty?

A healthy marriage should be giving, caring and equal. Each partner should be attuned to the needs of the other. This is especially true when it comes to sex because in most marriages there is an expectation of monogamy meaning that sexual needs can't be met anywhere else. Divorce is the only option when a man or a woman has a spouse that isn't giving, caring and willing to work on the marriage.

The OP deserves a partner that will work with him to have a fulfilling sex life. Otherwise, what's the point of a monogamous marriage.

I would say...

Marriage is for the Long Haul. Small children require lots of work and attention but it doesn't last forever. Squeak out time for date nights and plan early morning woodies, these ARE the moments to cherish.

Sacrifice the things you can and double down on the future. Kids grow up and out. If you think you can't handle it, them or me tell me now because my time and patience is short and limited. Please be by my side as we raise our wonderful, compassionate, loving, law abiding children that will carry our burden, our legacy and our love til the end.

Ok Neptune, that's very nice. But what if you had a partner who

- wasn't willing to squeak out time for date nights and "early morning woodies"
- wasn't considerate of your needs
- was emotionally abusive to you
- and wasn't willing to work seriously on the marriage in counseling or at home.

What would you do?

I think you forget what it's like to have two small children under five. It's time consuming, messy and mentally draining. Add a narcissistic spouse who thinks that their genitals should take precedence over anything else, yeah, I can see how any marriage would have issues.

I think you're equating a 20 yr marriage to this one. Advising someone to throw around the big "D" word into only a five year marriage causes more stress and chaos than anything else. The things you listed go both ways. OP needs to look at his own behavior and make adjustments too .

Referring to a man as a "narcissistic spouse who thinks that their genitals take precedence over everything else" is nasty. The question is whether this nastiness is based on the OP's gender.

Let's ask the question again. Would you make this rather personal attack if the OP were a woman?

Equality means that men and women are judged equally. It doesn't mean that men are always "narcissists" and women are always blameless and long-suffering. Of course, of this woman were (as you claim) a victim of a demanding, narcissistic spouse, a divorce would still be in order.

I see no reason for the nastiness in your posts.

is she receiving treatment for the depression? is she attending programs with other people with the same diagnosis

the relationship is under stress, but I don't see how anyone can expect anything else when one of the partners has a diagnosed depression, a family to care for and reduced income.

you note in the OP that she is numb. that makes sense. she's depressed.

I'd suggest focusing on making sure she's got help for that - and is able to work on that. Do what you can to help her have time away from the children - either spend more time alone with them yourself, or make the arrangements for someone else to care for them while she (with or without you) spends time away from the children/home. If money is the issue - work on swaps of childcare with friends/family/neighbours.

Partners help each other with their health if they can.

what tangible support does your wife get with the children from you/friends/family? not nice words - actions?

__

If you choose to end the marriage, will you be taking care of the children? I personally wouldn't want the primary caregiver of small children to be someone who's been diagnosed with depression - and is not managing the depression well (based on your posts). What arrangements will you make to be the primary caregiver? Can you afford to maintain two households on one income?

Your frustration is real and understandable, but you also have to be practical. Are you ready to be a single father of two children under the age of 5 ? Time to make plans for yourself and the children if you think you're on a short timeline for the marriage. Speak to a lawyer and get things lined up. Let your wife's doctor and counsellor know what's coming as they will need to be aware that they need to monitor her condition closely when you end things.

One of the things I asked my son when he was considering marriage was: Does she like sex? That was because I think it’s SO important. It holds people together when things get rough.

You were made aware that she wasn’t into it before the marriage, and now, after two kids, she’s still exhibiting post partum depression. Face it, it’s not you, she just is in a state of being that makes her not interested. (I suspect depression and exhaution. When is the last time you two went away for the weekend alone? Has she had a physical lately?)

Finish out the session obligation with the counselor. You are going to need all the help you can get to deal with her as your ex. Then decide if you want to stay in a marriage where one partner is just not into the other.

PS: I LUV men, but know they can be very unaware of women and their needs. I wondered about her falling out of love three years ago, but from what the OP now says, this woman has had issues all along.

Do you get the fact that the wife in this story is emotionally abusive, and that she isn't taking marriage counseling seriously.

If a woman came here saying this about her husband, can you honestly say you wouldn't tell her to get the hell out of that marriage?

The real point is the gender inequality; the assumption that men are responsible for their own happiness...and for the happiness of their girlfriend or wife.

What responsibility do you think the wife has in this particular marriage? And at what point is this man justified in leaving a marriage that clearly isn't working for him?

Oh geez, Max, give it a ******* rest already.

What kind of books?