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Fri 27 Apr, 2018 12:44 am
Hey all,
I have recently become aware of how I am trying to avoid reality, my entire life I have denied the fact that I am homosexual and for the last 5 years I deceived myself into legitimately thinking I am heterosexual.
But now I have faced the truth of reality and I cannot accept it, facing this realisation opened a pandora's box of low self-esteem and lack of purpose in life, I just want to be heterosexual like everyone else, perhaps this is the ego speaking but I am so envious of other people for being normal.
My life purpose is to be the best military leader I can be, I am so driven by it, but I cannot see myself being able to be an authentic leader in such an ultra masculine environment. I am not sure if my ego is tricking me into believing that this my genuine life purpose, I feel as if there is nothing else in life for me to do except fight and die as a soldier. I have adopted an ultra masculine facade throughout my teenage years to avoid judgement from myself and others put now I am painfully realising how much it is killing me, It is as if my subconscious is forcing me to be genuine.
I have vowed myself to celibacy, to sacrifice my life as a virgin for others for I see it as the only noble way to live out my cursed life. Is this all just my ego consuming me? Life seems so futile, even though everyone is born with their unique challenges I feel that I cannot escape the victim mentality, I used to love the world and life but now I hate everyone and everything, hearing homophobia all day breaks my self-esteem and makes me hyper-aggressive towards myself and others.
The notion of actually seeing out my life purpose and becoming a great leader using my weaknesses as strengths seems so futile.
Has anyone else experienced this and gotten over it, and has anyone had an affliction that is much worse?
Unless you get over this ill gotten notion that something is wrong with your sexual preference , you are doomed to depression and lack of self authenticity .
Get over yourself and get on with living a full adult life.
Seek counseling - off base. Retire from that exaggerated work place.
Good luck. Cast off your hair shirt.
@cbone,
I agree with the urging to get therapy (and off base as well).
You've probably (I'm guessing) been conditioned to believe that being homosexual does not equate to being hyper-masculine. But that's not the case. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Work with a therapist on self-acceptance. Work on what your life will look like in a week, a month, a year, a decade. Your life can still look masculine and even be in uniform. You can have friends, even the same friends you've got now if they're accepting (and a lot more people are these days than ever have been before). You can have love and a family if you choose.
The world can be open to you no matter who you love.
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for your suggestions. I may be depressed in my life. All day I feel unhappy and think what un-accidental things will happen to me.
In theory I can accept the existence of homosexuality, but in life I think homo-sexuality is too disgusting. I can not accept.
@jespah,
Thanks for your ideas. I don't get ill in mental problems. In theory I accept homosexuality. In life I cannot accept that.
In my college, one of my friend has homo-sexuality discrepancy. Two girls got together to sex and love with mouse.
ok, when meeting with homosexuality, you will think everything will be fine.
Alright.
@cbone,
Are you a native English speaker?
@jespah,
Yes, I am a native English speaker.
What happened ?
Any other ideas or suggestions ?
@cbone,
I doubt English is your native language. It's OK, but if it is your first language, you need to correct the last few posts because they very muddy.
@glitterbag,
Exactly, they're like English run through a weedwhacker.
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