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Affair is over. Need Advice

 
 
Reply Fri 20 Apr, 2018 12:45 pm
Hello,

First. Thank you for taking the time to read this and please do not judge me. Im looking for Closure and if anyone else went through something similar. So with that. I will start my story.

I have been married for 10+ years with 3 kids. I love them all to death. Around 2011 my wife's best friend was Baby Sitting my youngest child. Never thought anything of it. I always found this woman attractive (We all went to high school together) and think of her as a friend. I had her number due to her Baby Sitting my youngest child and reached out to her. We got to talking and we both agreed we found each other attractive and had a Secret Crush on each other (Ever since high school). We would talk randomly on and off for a few years nothing super serious. She gets married (Im married at this time with 1 kids). Has a Few kids. Etc. No Sex. No Kissing. Just casual Texting.

Fast Forward to 2016. Her and My wife were hanging out and she goes to bed. Myself and my affair partner (Who is also married) were down drinking and well. We had sex, made out, etc. The next few days i felt so guilty. I ended things. She was very hurt. No Communication at all for about 10 months. I had guilt, struggled with this for awhile. But i was able to move on and so did she. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for our actions. etc

Fast forward to the middle is 2017. I was at a bar with my friends just hanging out and she is there also. We ended up talking and i apologized for what i / we did and said we were both drunk, etc. I said me ending things were best for both of us and im sorry if that hurt you. She said it was fine and that she was sorry, etc. More into that night i walked her home (She was staying at her in laws). And we ended up making out...I knew it was wrong but i did it anyway. So things got really serious...We have had sex multiple, multiple times, the entire package. Text daily. etc

It's been 9 months and the Affair just ended today. (She Ended it) During this 9 months it was up's and down's. I would get jealous if she did stuff with her husband and she would get jealous if i did stuff with my wife. We would fight some. Make up. It was just like normal relationship. But it had extra pressure.

During the 9 months i found out more about her. She not only had an affair with me but this was her 4th time cheating (Emotional and physical),. She has only been married for 5+ years. Her Husband has no idea. I know this doesn't make it right or im better but i never had a single affair other then her. I felt comfortable since i knew her, was a friend, knew her since 2000, went to high school together, etc. But i could not believe the amount of times. She even cheated on her husband within 7 months of getting married. She would tell me all this horrible stuff about her husband that he's a piece of ****, she hates him, not in love with him, he treats her bad, etc.

So, as i mentioned before her and my wife are best friends. They text sometimes and hangout. Im not worried at all at my affair partner saying anything. Since Well. I have so much more stuff on her. Also, during this entire 9 months she still texting my wife, hanging out with her, etc. We told each other we loved one another and we do. I care a lot about her and she would say the same thing.

How things ended was her telling me she was missing me to much and things were getting hard for her, she told me she knew this was all wrong and that some days she would be into the affair and some days she wouldn't be into the affair. We never really seen each other a lot but we always wanted to so it actually was hard (In that aspect). It was about 70% Texting, phone calls, face time, etc. When she was in town we would usually try to meet up.

So currently. Im depressed, sad, mad, pissed off. Etc. I know an Affair is like some made up version of what real life is. Some fog. So im struggling with knowing this is over for good with her. It's almost a habit to text her. It's like some Drug. I need someone from the outside looking in. Im looking for some advice. I know i should stay away from her. But how. She is my wife's best friend?

I'm also looking for what type of person she is? She seems to have commitment issue, she seems almost heartless? Maybe she craves attention? My wife would talk to me about her and how if they would go out to eat and if guy was sitting at a table. My affair partner would get up to walk past the table, just to see if they would look at her. My Affair partner would also tell me things my wife would text her saying that my wife is annoyed at me and that she really does not love me, etc.

So. I thank you if you taken the time to read this. Any advice on how to get over something like this would be appreciated. I'm fully commented on making my marriage better with my wife and i do love her.

I unfortunately made a mistake that i will need to live with my entire life. I totally understand that.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 1,173 • Replies: 23
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Apr, 2018 01:01 pm
@Thor9090,
I'm gonna throw down the therapy card right away.

Probably just you to start. Talk to an impartial professional about how to pick yourself up after this.

You're right, that it's an unrealistic fog. But the vast majority of your post is about your affair partner. There's nearly nothing in it about your wife. It's just at the end where you say you're committed (I realize auto-correct changed that to commented) to keeping your marriage together but it doesn't look that way from my vantage point.

That is, you're giving a lot of screen time (such as it is) to the affair and not to your marriage.

So go to counseling. And talk, too, about whether you really want to stay married. Not because of anything with this women, but for your own sake. Make decisions based on your needs rather than outside influences. That is, if you think divorce will be expensive (news flash: it always is), set that aside for the moment. Just think about whether you're happy, etc. And about why you strayed. This woman seems to shake her caboose at every guy she sees. But she's not the only one involved here. So what's missing in your life?

And finally, you say you love your wife - although nothing of what you posted about shows any love or respect whatsoever. Sometimes it's an act of love to leave so that the other person has a chance for a happy life.

But first, counseling.
Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 02:35 pm
@jespah,
Thank you for the reply. As an update.

I do love my wife. And i did see i didn't mention her enough in this post. My wife and myself lacked kissing, sex, talking, etc. We have been married almost 10 years and things just became stale. It was like we were roommates. After this affair ended i went to her and really wanted to try and start over. I asked her to have movie night, kiss more, loving text messages, more sex, rubbing her feet, etc. She also said she would try more and it was really good for 3 days.

And then....


My Affair partner sent me an e-mail saying "I miss you...Im struggling with this" (As in her ending things) this was like drug. Seeing this was like a recovering alcoholic seeing a beer only after 3 days sober. This was my fault and my fault only. I replied "I miss you too" and i got sucked right back into this...I was doing so good. Seeing that e-mail, it felt good. Why?? I felt guilty again and i knew this was totally wrong.

This lasted another week of communication. She was in town again and told me her husband was away. I gave in and met her and had sex. Yesterday. My Affair partner ended things again and told me to never contact her and for me to stop missing her....

This time i said ok. I removed her fully from Social Media and deleted her phone number and put her e-mails in my Spam Folder. I went to my wife yesterday and told her i love her and gave her a kiss. We have started to watch more movie and i can see a change in my wife this past week. She seems more happy.

I know what i did was wrong and i should have had more will power. I wish this feeling on no one. I wish my Affair Partner never sent me that e-mail. This time im filled with Anger, im hurt, mad, i feel she is manipulating me. This on again off again is not healthy.

Anyway. Thank you for the reply and currently im on the path of recovery. I have been Affair Free for 1 day with zero communication. She is my wife's best friend so i know seeing each other is only a matter of time but i need to remain strong and not give in. I love my wife and me putting the extra effort in seems to have helped.

Thank you.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 02:48 pm
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
She also said she would try more and it was really good for 3 days.


you need to talk to a counsellor about all of this and you need to talk to your wife more about what you both are going to do to maintain/strengthen your relationship.

at some point you may need to come clean about your affair.

you are going to have to make a true effort to stay away from the other woman - no communication/no contact. you're going to have to find a way to explain this to your wife. no double-dating etc.

and work work work with your wife

Even in this follow-up post, you're writing almost exclusively about the woman you've been having an affair with.

Maybe you and your wife aren't a good match - but you need to sort yourself to make yourself available to your wife.
Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 04:06 pm
@ehBeth,
Thank you for the reply.

Maybe i am? Im just explaining the situation as it happens. I fell back into the Trap and i feel like all my progress was set back. My wife seems to be willing to try and i believe she was missing me. Shes was missing the old me to where i would kiss her randomly, ask to cuddle, etc. Im fully trying and will do anything to make this right.

Any advice on how i can cut communication completely? I removed all Social Media and blocked her phone number. But what should i do when it comes to Face to Face? Like i said. They are best friends and they text frequently. Also any advice why my Affair Partner reached out to me again after she ended it. And now ended it a second time. Does she maybe know my will power is weak? (I assume so). Is she playing some mind games?

I guess im trying to understand how i can cut communication fully or someone from the outside looking in on why this Affair Partner is trying to suck me in, break it off, suck me in, etc. I hope you understand it's a struggle and im confused.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 04:34 pm
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
They are best friends and they text frequently.

Is she playing some mind games?


with only having your perspective on this - it seems like she is playing games with you and your wife. she is obviously not your wife's friend, let alone best friend.

time to make sure your wife, you and your family are too busy being a couple and family to have time for someone who is messing you all around.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 04:35 pm
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
But what should i do when it comes to Face to Face?


you're simply not going to be around/available

you can arrange for a babysitter, make regular date night plans with your wife

work with your wife on getting the fun back

why did you marry your wife? try to remember that - and try to recapture it
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 04:40 pm
@ehBeth,
Yeah, I would stay away. Find ways to be perpetually busy. There are tons of things couples can do together which will take them out of most social activities in evenings. There's taking classes, or going to the gym, or joining a book club, or gaming, or making it your mission to see every movie playing in a thirty-mile radius of your home.

Bonus: all of those will be togetherness times with your wife. And they might help you recapture your closeness, too.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 05:03 pm
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
. Im not worried at all at my affair partner saying anything. Since Well. I have so much more stuff on her.


don't count on that to mean anything

get busy making plans with your wife
0 Replies
 
Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 05:59 pm
Thank you all. I really appreciate your advice. This Affair partner is manipulative. It was at time Emotional abusive i find. I have old e-mails and i was reading back some. Now that im done. I was reading back and the mind game this woman was playing.

Im more mad that i hurt my wife with this woman. And i feel bad. Really bad. Im glad this didn't work out because looking back, if things did come to an end i cannot see myself with this Affair Partner. I believe this is finally the wake up call i was searching. Typing this stuff out, reading all your comments have shed light on this situation. I love my wife and we have cuddle time here in about an hour when the kids go down.

Now..

I found myself wanting to be revengeful with this Affair Partner. I still have all the e-mails she sent me. Sucking me back in. I also know about the countless times she cheated on her husband within the last 6 years. It is advised to tell all? I feel bad for her Husband and kids. I know im part of the Problem and im in no way trying to say im better then her. I did cheat.

I feel this would cause alot of issue if i go about it this way. I have Proof and i plan on keeping this proof until i feel like i dont need it. Does that make sense? This Affair woman i assume with keep on cheating so maybe i should just let her Self Destruct and just ignore this but im filled with Revenge.

First i need to get myself and my wife back and become close and together again. Thats my first step. As you said. This woman isn't my wifes best friend if you think about it. My Affair partner (Looking back now) is a very cold and manipulative person.

So. Good or Bad idea on me telling her husband at some-point (I actually know him.) "Like hey listen man, im so, so sorry. Your wife cheated on you within 6 months of being married, she also cheated on you with another guy in 2012, and i have been seeing her within the last 9 months" I assume bad idea?

Thoughts?
jespah
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 06:37 pm
@Thor9090,
He'll just shoot the messenger (hopefully not literally).

By the way, he may already know how round-heeled she really is.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 07:19 pm
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
So. Good or Bad idea on me telling her husband at some-point


how is it going to help your relationship with your wife? I personally don't see it helping but I don't know your relationship.

ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Apr, 2018 07:41 pm
@Setanta,
oops that was me - Set was still logged in Embarrassed

can you imagine him posting in a relationship thread? Shocked
0 Replies
 
Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Apr, 2018 07:01 am
Yeah. i will just fully focus on my wife and getting our marriage back to 100%. I need to stop being revengeful. Nothing good will come out that and it does not help my marriage.

My Affair Partner was such a horrible person.

I forgot to add. When my Affair Partner ended things on April 20th. As i said, i went to my wife and really started to put effort in and my wife lit up. I told my wife some really nice things. My Wife and my Affair Partner went to the movies and Hung out so of course my affair partner asked my wife how "Me and her were". So my wife was saying all these nice things about me and said she loved me and would see herself with me for the rest of her life.

As you could have guess. This Reallllllllly pissed my affair partner off. Below is the e-mail i received.

"I don’t care to get into it. But now you can go try harder with (Insert my wife's name) and “be better, kiss goodnight” etc all of the things you told her you wanted you guys to do more of"

This is the type of stuff im talking about. My Affair Partner would dig for information from my wife (Or just ask casual) and then yell at me or try and start a fight with me. My Affair Partner pretty much had direct access into my marriage and when i wanted to try more with my wife it seems my Affair Partner would get jealous. Looking back this entire situation was boarder line crazy.

I keep talking about this because it's a coping mechanism. The more i realize how crazy, psychotic, manipulative, insecure my affair partner was i can finally once and for all move on. It's like i was living a double life. I not only had to be filtered in saying things to my wife (Because i know she would tell my affair partner) but i had to keep the peace on both sides.

What do you guys think of this situation? I never asked about my Affair Partners marriage. Nor did i ever ask her husband. I didn't care. This woman is crazy?

ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Apr, 2018 07:21 am
@Thor9090,
Part of your job in putting your marriage on more solid footing is keeping your family too busy for your wife to spend time with your ex f-buddy. Lots of dates, lots of family time. Encourage your wife to participate in events that don't include your ex.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Apr, 2018 07:22 am
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:
Looking back this entire situation was boarder line crazy.


not borderline crazy - plain old crazy

you and your wife are both being manipulated
Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Apr, 2018 08:18 am
@ehBeth,
Hi ehBeth,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my posts. I really appreciate it.

Yes i fully agree this is just plain old crazy and i feel my Affair Partner was Manipulating us both like you said. She had a direct line of communication with my wife so she could ask or find out anything. Kinda making sure i "Behave" and not being overly nice to my wife or working on my marriage. When i would do that stuff my affair partner would make me feel guilty or gas-lighting me.

Like i said in previous posts i had no one to talk about this to and typing this all out is really making me see how wrong this situation is. Its like i was brain washed.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Mon 30 Apr, 2018 09:04 pm
@Thor9090,
I'm questioning why closure is such a big deal for you. In the grand scheme of things, closure would mean telling your wife about your ongoing infidelity and dealing with the consequences. But that's not what you're after.

You want to be able to forgive yourself and your actions. That's all fine and good, but in reality, forgiveness isn't yours to give, it's to receive. The physical affair is over but the emotional affair is still going on.

It's extremely unfair to dump your guilt on your wife when she has no idea why. You made her think it's going to be ok if she just tries just a little bit harder. The truth is, it doesn't matter.

Maybe you can say it's a myriad of things that drove you to an affair. But really, it's just one thing -- you don't know Love. It's sad, really. You can go through your daily routine and know the only thing you have is lies.



Thor9090
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 06:55 am
@neptuneblue,
Thank you for your reply.

Closure is something i need to move on from this situation. Telling my wife at the right moment is something i will do. However if done wrong this will severely impact alot of people. Hopefully you can understand that?

I'm not looking for forgiveness. Im looking to better myself and my marriage with my wife. I have been Affair free for almost 3 days. Zero Communication. Nothing. I know that might sound like nothing to you but it's a big deal to me and im on the path to recovery not only with myself but my wife.

And yes. I believe a marriage should be 50-50. Not me giving 110% all day every day and my wife giving 5%. My wife told me directly and agreed with me things were bad. She felt like we were roommates. It was we just never spoke up about it. We both just did our daily routine.

This affair is something i need to deal with forever it was totally wrong of me. Im fully aware.

neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 07:35 am
@Thor9090,
Thor9090 wrote:

Telling my wife at the right moment is something i will do. However if done wrong this will severely impact alot of people.


There is no "right" or "wrong" way to tell your spouse you had an affair. You're delaying the Truth yet expecting your wife to toe the line now. She doesn't know your lies and deceit and you're downplaying her hurt once she does find out. You even have her feeling she deserves it because you gave 110% to her 5%. That's called gaslighting. And it's wrong.

You've been spamming almost every post that has to do with a cheating scenario. You're fond of telling your side of the story yet not once have you apologized for your actions. I think that's because the only thing you're sorry about is that's it''s over, not because you've betrayed your wife's love and trust.

 

 
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