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Sun 25 Mar, 2018 10:12 am
I met this amazing man who lives in another town 8 months ago. We decided to attempt a LDR. In the time we’ve really gotten to know each other I have found he has a lot of anxiety about everyday things some people don’t worry about. At first I was accommodating but now I feel I just comtribute to his anxiety even thought he says I don’t. I have struggled with whether or not to stay in the relationship because I don’t expect him to change, nor do i feel I should either. Although I do try to “bend” a little to prevent his anxiety, I don’t mind it but at times It gets a bit frustrating. For example: he is a dedicated worker, he rarely misses work for anything no matter what. However he recently had a crown and his mouth was drilled. This dentist obviously did a chop job as the temp crown fell off and caused him immense pain. Unfortunate timing is everything and it happened on a Friday night. There are no emergency dentists in his area and he had to make due with dental cement and ambisol. He complained all weekend about the pain and said it’s horrible, worst pain ever. I am livid that this Dentist didn’t even have an emergency number for patients who had surgeries. Either way, I am passionate about my loved ones and i started to push him to go to the dentist first thing Monday instead of to work and then there. I also made a comment about how this dentist did a chop job and needs to correct it without fee. He starts to get upset with me and said he was annoyed I push him and that he will take care of it. I tried to explain I’m not upset with him as I am upset with the situation yet he always takes my rants to heart. We started a new thing where he will let me know when I am getting to be too aggressive for him and I will tone it down but the moRe I think on this i feel I am having to change who I am because every time he gets anxious (which is almost always) I can never be expressive. Is it always my problem he is so sensitive? I feel I am sacrificing who I am to accommodate him and there’s no bend on his end at all. Am I wrong? He just seems to be somewhat whiny about things and anxious always. He complains yet never takes action. I just don’t know what to do. I am at a loss and have one foot out the door but don’t want to hurt him because overall he’s a great guy. Help! How can I, or can I salvage this relationship?
@Lost2018,
Why do you want to salvage the relationship?
Can you stay who you are with the changes he wants/needs from you?
Based on your description of the relationship, I don't see why you want to stay in it.
@Lost2018,
You're not responsible for fixing him.
He needs therapy if he's not already getting it. He should not be trying to get you to take on that role, with no training, no pay, and no bending on his part.
Decide if this is tolerable to you.
@ehBeth,
Thanks for your response ehBeth. Truth is, he really gives me so much of what I need otherwise. He’s loving and attentive and he and I have a close bond overall but this one thing (which is major) is a thorn in my side. I can bend without changing who I am but I suppose I’m confused because one minute he tells me all my strengths are his weaknesses and he needs me. Yet when I show my strengths, he claims anxiety and tells me he needs me to be less aggressive or just more gentle because that’s what he needs in that moment. I want to talk with him about it but really don’t know how to approach it and if it will only make things worse or if I’m just delaying the inevitable. Ughhhh love is so crazed
@jespah,
Thanks jespah. Well that’s the irony of it, he hates docs and won’t take meds. He tried meds years ago yet and he said he just felt like a zombie and won’t put himself though that again. Whenever I point out I’m making f the bend in our relationship I often get told, “I didn’t ask you to do that” etc. when technically if I don’t, we just argue. It’s so difficult to decide because aside from this our relationship is pretty flawless
@Lost2018,
Sounds like he needs counselling before he tries to be in an adult relationship.
@Lost2018,
Would he consider going to counselling if you presented as something you needed to do together?
At some point you have to decide if this relationship is healthy for you. I’m betting it’s getting to the stage where he’s getting tiresome. Plus you do the problem-solving for him, and he’s starting to resent it.
Time to wean him off you. Connect less and less. Give him back his issues by just asking”What are you going to do about that?”
Pretty soon, things will fade away, but expect anger because you won’t be there to use any more.
Also - get out and meet people and hope to find a local, well adjusted , healthy person who does not need your “fixing.”
You all are very right in everything you’ve said. I am going to distance myself a bit and attempt a more matter of fact attitude. I’ve always been a nurturer and a helper, but I suppose I go a bit more passionate about things then he may be able to stand. I’ve had a lot of tough knocks in life, including an exe husband who left for a younger woman after 20 years, family emotional abuse and I’ve has to fend for myself and rebuild my life all on my own. I need to just be with me for a while, I’m guessing but when I fall I fall hard. It makes the decision to leave most difficult.
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote: Give him back his issues by just asking”What are you going to do about that?”
this is really important in every kind of relationship
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