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Thu 15 Mar, 2018 09:08 am
I enjoy finding little random ways to surprise or treat my wife of 18 years. I’ll show up at her workplace with a mocha, or offer to rub her feet/shoulders in the evening etc. We have what I would consider a normal, active intimate life—so these gestures are not connected to sex or trying to guilt, manipulate or “earn” anything like that. However—while I do not do these things as some kind of “point system,” I do find that I am usually let down by her response (or lack thereof). Example: yesterday I ordered a beautiful bunch of flowers and left it on the dashboard of her car for her to discover when she walked out of work. The hour came and went. No text, no call. I got home—nothing. There were the flowers on the table. I asked if she wanted to take a walk with me. We went for a little walk on our street. Casual. Normal chatting. Finally, later that evening as we were making dinner and I was setting the table she says casually “Oh—thanks for the flowers.” Just nonchalant. Matter of fact. It felt like she didn’t even care. This is pretty typical of how she responds to things. And I get that there are different “love languages.” I try to also serve, help, spend time with, verbally affirm etc and it never feels like I get even a fraction of the passion I give coming back to me. It is so demotivating and frustrating. What am I missing here? Is this normal? Am I wrong to expect more enthusiasm and delight from her? She is the only woman I have ever been with and vice versa. We were married very young.
@TCSmith,
on the surface it appears she is so use to this treatment it has become routine so not special anymore. it also places you in a wimpy, submissive role if a one way street as it appears from your narrative. also indicates a woman that is not satisfied with your performance in bed.
suggest you get more physically aggressive with her rather than gifting and servant activities. try new things in bed to excite her and make her more thirsty for your attention. if she was happy with your relationship i would expect a stronger response from her than you are getting. true signs of an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
@TCSmith,
Both of you need to talk.
@TCSmith,
What you are describing sounds a lot like a "covert contract". You have decided in your mind that being "nice" means you get "enthusiasm and delight". This isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to your wife since it isn't a contract you have actually agreed upon. This contract exists only in your mind... your wife probably doesn't even know about it.
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/covert-contracts-expectations-marriage/
If you want more "enthusiasm and delight", the answer is simple. Tell her exactly what you need (it is fair for expect it). Then ask her how to have that in your marriage.
There is nothing wrong with saying "I need more sex" or "I need more passion" or anything else. If you are in a marriage... you deserve a good sex life. That is at least one of the points of being married. But you have you to ask for it directly. What you are trying to do isn't working, and since you aren't being straightforward it isn't fair. If she isn't appreciating what you are doing, then just stop doing it.
So, just talk to her. Tell her directly what you want or need. And then work it out with her.
^^^^the "Covert Contract" thing totally makes sense. What complicates this is that I DID talk with her about this instance--as I have about numerous instances over the years and I've communicated specifically about it. "When I do X and you respond Y, this is how I feel." I feel like I've been down this road over and over. I don't go around expecting something and not tell her. I have communicated many times that I need to be affirmed/encouraged and that I need my effort to be acknowledged. Usually, in the aftermath there is a weak attempt on her part for a little while and then back to the same. Of course I've said "If this just doesn't mean anything to you--then I don't want to waste time and energy doing nice things for you" and she says "It DOES mean something to me, I DO appreciate it" BUT, then it's just the same story again a month later. I don't think I should have to beg my wife to say something kind and substantively affirming to me once in a while. It is humiliating! I don't make her ask for every scrap of encouragement/appreciation she gets.
You said you were married very young. Did she always have this passive personality - with you as the assertive one and always in control in the marriage?
Is this behavior new, or has it always been there and now it's really bothering you?
You don't say much about her, only that you are wanting more attention and validation now. What about all those past years? After 18 years, don't expect her to turn into something that was never there anyway.
BTW - what are your ages? Kids?
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