My girlfriend receives romantic messages from 'friends'. Really? Is that acceptable?

Are these they guys she referred to in a previous thread? The ones with the big dicks? I think it's time to see someone else.

Alan
After 18 months, you have come to the realization that you are in a relationship that befuddles you in terms of common courtesy and values.

Be a big boy and extract yourself from her and her " friends." They just are not from your world.

One is the other isn't, or so she says. he says she never has or ever will be in a relationship with him, though she admits that back in the day when they worked in a band together they would snog one another, after the gig or practice, though it never went any further than that because he was still married and already had a mistress as well, though she told me that after the snog one evening he asked her 'When are we going to have the sex then?', but she dismissed this as he was 'just joking'! I told her that no man 'jokes' about having sex. It is a request and had she agreed I'm certain he would have obliged her! To ascertain just how far that 'relationship', (if I can call it that), had gone, I asked her if she'd ever seen his penis, she was a bit surprised that I asked this, but did say no without any hesitation. In your opinion, is snogging twice a week for a sustained period of time, with no 'I was drunk' excuse, having a relationship? Or are they just friends that kiss?

Thank you. I'm sure that if I were in my twenties I would have done that, but I'm much older and I've not been in a relationship for a long time before this. I fell in love with her and when I'm with her I'm very happy, it's when she's away and then I find out she's met up with one or the other behind my back, though she insists that nothing is 'going on' and on a physical level I don't think there is, but I think she's guilty of Emotional Infidelity. This doesn't exist in her mind, she feels that unless she has some sort of physical sex with someone that she's being faithful and doing 'nothing wrong' so 'what am I worried about?' She seems to gain support from her women friends and anyone she talks to, though I hardly ever seem to get a chance to put my side of the argument. Hence why I'm here.

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, nor is there necessarily a right or wrong.

She is fine with it. You're not.

If you don't like her the way she is, end the relationship nicely and move on.

There is no reason she should change what she believes, and no reason for you to change what you believe.

___

Now, if the question is simply about our personal opinions, I wouldn't have problems with language such as you've described being on cards and letters. I'm not looking for reasons to be jealous. We're all different.

now this ^^^^ this would be a superfast game-ender, relationship-ender.

straight out out-of-line

___

you are old enough to know better

Really? You’re unbelievable. So now you’re telling me that I should just put up with it or end the relationship? How about trying to rescue the relationship? I disagree. This is a right or wrong behaviour. It’s insensitive and inconsiderate. You could be right that I should just end it, but that’s easy to say, but unfortunately I fell in love with her We’re great for one another in other respects and if I could persuade her to be considerate of me then we could have a great life together, but if she can’t or won’t then we’ll part and we’ll both lose out. She just needs to see that her behaviour in normal circles is unfair and wrong. I don’t personally know any married couple, or couple, for that matter where this is duplicated. I can’t name anyone that has his SO receive romantic message cards from the guy from work or the Badminton club or whatever! Can you?

Then you say that my seeing one of the guys that’s sending the cards is wrong! Really? Oh so I suppose I should just stand back if he’s banging her as well then? Because, surely that would follow? When there were no repercussions and no objections made, he’d just see an open door! He’s not bothered so I’ll just push the boundaries. He’s not going to do anything, like come and punch me, so I’ll just bang her. Perhaps he doesn’t care?

Oh now I see, after looking at your profile I see you’re a ‘swinger’ so of course you have that attitude. People that have extreme views on subjects shouldn’t give ‘ordinary’ people advice. You should represent a mainstream view, whichever way it goes, but mainstream.

Your relationship is over. Kaput. Unless of course you want to keep on not trusting her. You checked in with her texting pal/ex-boyfriend. That shows you don't trust her, and guess what? Now she has no reason to trust you!

She most likely won't change her ways. Face up to it, if she hasn't yet, then don't hold your breath waiting.

Hey, maybe you like being treated like something less than scum. If so then carry on with her. Maybe if you part ways, she will realize the error of her ways...or find another guy or maybe you will find another, one who respects you and that you respect. Without respect, it isn't really love.

You see nothing of the sort.

that's one of the funniest things anyone's ever said about me

I kind of like it. I may have to add it to my sig line

Copied & Pasted from your Profile "Swinging from one end of the Danforth to the other, making them nervous"

My aunt recently celebrated her 90th birthday, I set her a card saying lots of love because that's a normal thing to write to someone you care about.

I think you've got serious issues, you can't tell the difference between harmless flirting and infidelity, you've accused both Beth and Contrex of being swingers, you're obsessed with the size, (or lack of it,) of your Hampton, and you're trying to control what everyone else says on this thread.

It's not your partner's flirtatious behaviour that's the problem, it's your control freakery. You need help.

you're funny if you think that has anything to do with sex/relationships

You Don't OWN anyone!
People are Free to do as they choose.
Don't like?
Move on.

It's not about 'owning' or controlling, it's about setting boundaries and her behaviour steps outside of my boundaries. I've never experienced this in any other relationship in my life. So why now?

You experience it in this relationship, because your gf is a different person than your other, previous girlfriends. Relationships aren't about setting boundaries, they're about trust. Whether you find these cards to be out of your comfort zone, that is your problem. I wouldn't mind if my gf got such messages from her ex-boyfriends. It just tells me she is a person worth caring for, one that even her ex-boyfriends like to keep up with.

You showed lack of trust by your actions. I wouldn't be surprised if that translates in a soon to be ex-gf, but I wish you the best of luck .

Setting boundaries - Is assuming possession of.
Who are you to 'set' boundaries?

Do you tell the sun how brightly it may burn?
The sea- How to move?
No.
You own No thing whatsoever...
Even the body you're, currently, inhabiting is a conduit for - Whatever...whensoever.

"Relationships aren't about setting boundaries, they're about trust" Well, she has secrets and tells lies to cover her actions. So where is the trust coming from? Best example. She decided to go to a certain pub on a certain night, where it is almost inevitable that the ex-bf goes. You know, the one that sends romantic message/poems in greetings cards. Yeah, that one! So, she went there that night without mentioning she might. I had no idea, but I was at home when I had this strong intuitive thought. It was that she was going there, so I had a shave, got dressed up and drove over there. Sure enough her car was in the car park. She was in the pub, as was her ex-bf. On the night I decided not to go in and confront them, I regret that now. I waited until the pub closed and being one of the last out she shr drove out with him in the car. She gave him a lift home. She didn't go in, but hey! Two days later after our cinema night I asked her when she had last spoken to or messaged (not seen) him? SHe said she couldn't remember. She repeated this SIX TIMES when I kept asking the same question. When she realised it was a rhetorical question and that I knew, she finally admitted she saw him on the Monday, but she said that she never went there to see him, he just happened to be there! (A racing certainty) She had gone because, she said, it was Irene's Birthday. Yeah right. Which is why, I said, you spent the entire evening talking to him, NOT Irene and he bought ALL your drinks from when he got there and you gave him a lift home! Amazingly, she ended the evening saying that she was ending the relationship because she couldn't cope with my jealousy and because I didn't trust her!!!! So please add further comments including all previous repliers. Please tell me, am I right in wishing to set boundaries? Is that OK?

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