Advice To Club Goers

Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 07:52 am
As I exit the band business..I wish to offer this sage advice for those who frequent live music establishments...these are pearls here...pay attention

Band advice to club goers.
> The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
>the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time [such as
>a multi harmony part]. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out
>your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
>Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to
>your question or comment during a tune, take this very personally. Singers have the
>ability to sprout a second mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if
>the singer doesn't, it's because they are purposely ignoring you; if this
>happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an entertainer
>leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head and yell directly
>into their ear, holding their head so they cannot pull away from you, this is
>an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between their head and
>your hands. Disregard any respect for the musician's hearing.
> Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with the
>phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an
>unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever
>walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do
>not remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend
>you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all night
>thinking up ways to do this; we also never get enough abuse so any abuse that you
>add will keep us in line. If a band tells you they do not know a song you
>want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to
>you. Try singing a few words for the band; if one member halfway knows
>part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire
>song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your
>song just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request
>another tune the band actually knows. Scream your request from across
>the room several times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU SUCK!
>Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor
>are a big help such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are
>the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the
>status of Personal Friend Of The Band.
> If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the crowd
>loves (and cannot get enough of), i.e. if they play original Blues, ignore
>this. Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument;
>this will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested
>tune. The more money with which you tip the band, the more power you have to
>dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully the
>band. Entertainers are notorious fakers and never prepare for shows,
>they simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once
>they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so
>don't let them off the hook. The band and club's income does not depend
>upon numbers of people patronizing the bar; screw them. Your request is
>all that matters. If a metal band had played at the club for the last
>few weeks, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal
>tune the previous band played, even if the current band is a blues or country
>band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that
>plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads
>may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
> If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band or
>singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings around
>them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason the band
>has not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as their
>big break. And besides, that black guy singing the blues is just copying the
>Downchild, and Clapton, in spite of the fact that he's 63 years old. Tell the
>musicians unequivocally that your mere presence as a member of their band will
>save them from the depths of mediocrity and assure them of success beyond
>their wildest dreams. This works every time.
> If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with
>them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. If they
>won't let you perform with them, be disruptive. Do everything you can to
>be louder than the band. Nothing asserts your superiority like an out of
>tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of tempo.
> For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them
>in the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with
>instruments that do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you
>play and will wonder how they have gotten along all these years without
>BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then
>get on stage and start playing their instruments; even if you are
>ejected from the club, you have made your point. The band will call you
>immediately the following day to offer you a position.
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Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 08:13 am
Bonus tip: If you're gonna fall down in a drunken stupor make sure you knock the boom mic over and knock out the singers front teeth,(happened to me)
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Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 09:08 am
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Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 11:57 am
Well told.

And don't forget to tell the band that they sound just like a band they hate.

When they're trying to get the bartender's attention at set break, tell them about how you "sort of" play guitar, always an exciting story.
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Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 12:04 pm
Oh, and leaning way over the bar, waving 20 dollar bills in the bartender's face is a great way to get served quick!
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Reply Tue 25 Jan, 2005 12:04 pm
That is hilarious.
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