Husband Obsessed over another woman and i caught him!!!!!

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I was on my husnands phone the other day. I was about to post a couple of screenshots i took on Facebook and next to my images in gallery were 2 pictutes of the same woman. I looked at them closer and saw it was from instagram. Obviouslly i opened up his instagram. I saw about a month ago he he had commented "WOW!!!!!" And called her pretty and witty and bright on another comment. So i asked him who she was and why he had saved pictures of her. He quickly got defensive and asked why i was looking through his phone. He told me it was just those 2 pictures and it was because he liked the way she looked snd nothing else. I was able to look past this. The next morning i decided to follow her on Instagram and also checked his trash on his phone amd there was 6 more pictutes. He had saved these from September through 3 days ago tge dau it all caught up to him. I found out i wad expecting our 3rd child together in September. I aldo fpund het number saved on his phone. He said he couldn't rememver how they exchanged numbers but he later told me he had asked her for it. I looked on her instagram and he liked every single one of her images including provocative ones of her in closeup shots of her underwear/crotch. Ones with a lot of cleavage. I checked his activity/likes and he didn't look at amyone elses pics, he didn't update his staus or anything, all of his likes wete pictures of her. I asked if there was more after i confronted him this 2nd time and he said no. I found out the next day he lied and that he had been all over her favebook too and was ❤ all her pics. He has never ❤ my pics or even ones of our children or even the pictures of when they were born. I keep finding out more and more lies and scecrets from him. He hasn't taken a pic of me since May. He has spent 5 months looking obsessive for this 1 woman. I asked him if he realized his behavior and he said no he didn't think or realize it was wrong while he was investing all this time on her. I feel all our mutual friends saw this and i am so embaressed amd heartbroken.

Im this time period i found put i was pregnant and lost the baby at 14 weeks. I ran over my friends dog in september and killed her. So i haven't been physivally avaliable for him. I've been grieving for months. After all this i don't feel attractive to him or that he has lost interest in me. I believe she is a million times prettier than me but he keeps telling me it's not true. He's very remorseful now and can't even look at me but i don't know if it's because he got caught. He said i know everything now and i haven't found out anything new today so hopefully this is it. Hr deleted his instagtam and deactivayed his Facebook after deleting and unliking all of her photos.

I love him and i want to forgive and get over this but all i can think about is how attracted he is to her to destroy our 5 year relationship and everything we built just to let this woman know how interested he was in her. When i look at him i think of him undressing her with his eyes and i can't stop looking at pictures of her although it kills me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep and her face haunts me. She never reciprocated but he didn't stop until i caught him. He says he's remorseful and he loves me and she doesn't mean anything and he's willing to do anything to keep our relationship alive and that he never wanted her she was just a fantasy. I am the only one for him. If he cpupd undonthis all he wpyod and hates the fact hevhas girt in so deeply.

Should i believe him? Should i stay with him and try to make things work? I do love him him more than anything despite it all but i just don't know what to do. Help! 😢

One minor detail. He cheated on his last girlfriend with me and he left her the very next day and we've been very happy together ever since up until i found out i was pregnant tge erd time and lost the baby and i ran over my neighbors dog. I've been in such a deep depression and this is the worst thing he could've done at this moment in my life while I'm still grieving. The disloyalty kills. I held him up on such a high pedastool. I thought he would never do something like this to me.

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[+3] - ehBeth - 01/17/2018Get yourself into counselling and get some birth control. You've gotten pregnant 3x in five years and have 2 small children. Give your body and emotions a good break. Actually birth...

@HopelessRomantic89,

Get yourself into counselling and get some birth control.

You've gotten pregnant 3x in five years and have 2 small children. Give your body and emotions a good break.

Actually birth control first - and while you're at the doctors ask for a referral to a good counsellor who can help you work through the grief. That's not something to try to do alone.

While you're waiting for the counselling referral to go through, try spending some time with your husband alone - without children and outside of the home. You need to work your way back to your early relationship.

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@ehBeth,

I do agree with you 100% about birth control but yes i am on birth control for 4 years and i am in counseling. Therapist is on vacation. I wanted my kids to be close in age. Except for the last time. That was a big mistake that ended so horribly. I couldn't bare this happening again so first thing i did was get on the nexplanon rod. Tgank you for your advice. I haven't been able to talk to my friends or family. I sm scared of how they'll judge our relationship.

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@HopelessRomantic89,

Ask your husband to arrange for a babysitter once a week - maybe a Saturday afternoon or Sunday evening - so the two of you can go out for a couple of hours. Even time to go for a short walk, grab a dessert and a coffee. It doesn't have to be a fancy date - just walking, talking, being away from the kids together.

Your history together is a bit awkward so more counselling is probably best for both of you.

Children close together is cute but for best intellectual development, a five or more year gap has been found to be best.

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@ehBeth,

Our relationship seemed perfect before all this. I really thought he woulf never syray from me. It was never a thought in my mimd and i can't or would ever want to do something like this to him. I have a lot of feelimg imside of me. I've neen so manic since this all unraveled. Its not like me. I'm trying to stay strong for the kids. I have an 10 yearbold son from a previous relationship. He was an only child for almost 7 years. I honestly never wanted more than 3 kids.

I think a lot of my hurt comes from the fact that he knew the deep depression I've been in. I needed him by my side and he was off fantasizing about his ex coworker for 5 months. He was distant and i genuinely believed i was the one hurting him.

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@HopelessRomantic89,

HopelessRomantic89 wrote:

He says he's remorseful and he loves me and
he's willing to do anything to keep our relationship alive

try to focus on this

__

put him to work on arranging for a babysitter and planning a date afternoon

one of the things about depression is that people get stuck - if he wants to help, he can work on moving you out of that stuck spot - he can arrange the date afternoon - and your part of it is to participate in that date afternoon. no excuses about kids or chores or anything. you go on the date afternoon and you participate. not easy but you have to do it for yourself and your family.

you're not useful for the kids if you're not taking care of yourself - and that means being part of a couple that does things as a couple

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You say this womam never answered?

Did he buy these pictures of this one woman from a porn site that sells them?

I guess I am confused as to whether they had an affair or she is just on a porn site?

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@PUNKEY,

She's a former co-worker of the OP's husband. She's not interested.

__

The OP needs to move forward with her husband and family not focus on the past.

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@PUNKEY,

No she was an ex coworker. A week after she left the job. He was saving her social media pictures on his phone and liking all of her pictutes as time wemt on he started commenting very flattetimg things. He didn't use the social media sites for anything other than her. No other likes for other people, just all her. For 5 months he had made it very obvious to her and anhone else watching he was imterested! No she never reciprocated but what if she did?

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It sounds like you both want to work out things but first each of you must deal with some big issues that prevent your marriage from healing.

Your husband regrets his actions and temporary "insanity" obsession with pictures/fantasy. That is over. But he was using that to prevent himself from thinking about his life at that time. A kind of escape. Now, he is most likely also mourning the loss of your child.

It's a must that you two get into grief counseling to deal with this. Then marriage counseling to desl with those issues.

The horrible accident with the dog was just an additional wallop to your mental health. Really unfair at that time, especially.

Good luck.

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@ehBeth,

So we did find a sitter last night and went out to a Starbucks and candle shoppimg. It was nice to get away. I believe that we both made our lives 100% about the childten we stopped working on out relationship. We both hadn't noticed since our relationship came so easily to us before. We use to go out for a morning workout and coffee everyday so we started doing this again the past couple of days.

Although i am still really hurt, all the rage i felt is gone and despite everything i do love him more than anything. I believe what he did wasn't something to be taken lightly. He seems genuinely remorseful and says he'll do anything to make us work and get us back to where we were if not stronger as a couple. He says he will do anything to make me feel loved and sexy again to him. He said he made the biggest mistake of his life and it had nothing to do with me but it was his only personal problem that manifested with her and escalated to the point that it affected our relationship. He's trying to regain my trust but i told him it was going to take time. He has never hurt me before and i never expected him to look at another woman to the extent he did.

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@PUNKEY,

Thank you for your advice. I signed up to this forum and another. Everybody focused on his prior relationship instead of giving me genuine advice on the other one. Hete you Ehbeth hsve had great advice and grnuine udeful insight.

I know my husband is remotseful. I know he loves me and i know he truely is ready to do anything to bring me back the happiness i had with him before all these events occured. I forgot to mention my 90 year old grandmother was in the ICU with kidney failure and almost died . For a month i was on my toes worrying my grandmother was going to die. Maybe my problems were too much for him and he used her pictutes/fantasy as an escape. A few days ago i didn't want to try i only felt hevabandonned me and stopped loving me. He says this experiemce has been a real eye opener snd he wouldn't lnow what to do if he lost me over pictures.

He agreed to see a therapist. I am not sute abpit couples therapy but i know he's welcomed to join my thetapy sessions. My therapist will be back next Wednesday. She took vacation this week.

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@HopelessRomantic89,

I'm glad to read that you're taking some couples time again - it is so important.

Do consider doing some therapy together. It can really help to get another perspective, not you v him.

Keep working on it - you guys fell in love for a reason. Try to find your way back to that place.

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Good luck.

Seems like a snowstorm of events came in and really covered your marriage.

You have listed all the things going on in your life that made it difficult to cope. Thise things drove you to depression and anxiety.

He needs to share his "list" of anxieties that made him seek distraction in those pictures .

This can be done in front of a therapist once he feels that's a safe place to reveal his feelings so it doesn't happen again. . I suggest a male marriage counselor.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@HopelessRomantic89,

Your post is so long that without even reading past the first few sentences it's obvious you're into drama and chaos. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You got what you deserved, unfortunately this now involves innocent children. Get yourself fixed and then move on.

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@travelinhobo,

We made it 5 years without any drama or chaos. I don't do drama and chaos so i am not great at handling it, i usually retreat and move on but this is my husband not just a bad friend or a gossipimg neighbor that i am on about. I have never gone through anything like this in my life. We had a beautiful clean relationship that i truely believed in before all this hence why i was blindsided and devastated to my core. I couldn't talk to my family or friends so i signed up for this. Seeing as i don't have 100 posts on here talking about the 1000000 different ways i was wronged in my relationship on here. Your not being fair at all. What gives you the right to be so judgmental? I was and still am im a very dark place when i wrote this. Maybe it's long because i write a lot and i am detailed or maybe it's as simple as i just talk a lot. I don't believe anyone deserves anything like this. I wouldn't even wish this on my husband even at the peak of my anger and frustration. You would say i deserve this? Why?

I have a few thing left to say to you @travellinhobo why post and respond to advice on here with how empathetic you are? How was your insight helpfup or necessary at all. I hope you gain some sympathy and i honestly wish you the best in finding this trait and growing as a person.

Please don't respomd to posts if your not able to be unbiased!!!!

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@ehBeth,

Again Thank you sooo much for being here to respond. Your advice was what i needed. I came close to endimg it on Sunday and had decided this while he was at work. I struggled that day really hard and felt i couldn't look past this and work it out. I had almost given up. After i had decided this, he walked in through the door with fowers and a meaniful card. His pain and suffering and remorse was genuine and he felt the pain and shame he had caused me. At that very moment i truely felt the sincerity and the shame and deep remorse and i knew i had to make an effort to make things work. I knew my love had never ended but i guess i was uncertain about him up until this point after i had discovered his deception. Althougb it's still very tough for me to accept what has occurred, i believe more than anything we can work it out and grow from this and become stronger than before. It has been a huge wakeup call for both of us.

My husband and I have taken a lot of time into working on communication and discussing this situation. We have purchased books to learn more about our relationship and to grow and strengthen what we have together. I believe knowledge is power. We've analyzed everything and have made progress in figuring out why he strayed. It's been a really tough road so far but also very empowering facing our issues head on.

We went out yesterday on our 2nd outing without the kids since this has happened. Can't say it started off great because my mind wanders to the negative thoughts and it tries to consume me. My husbsnd is trying very hard to get me out of my dwelling and get us back on track especially after i mentally slip(regress). He is focusing on us and has made the effort and a conscious decision to accept what he did and work through repairing my pain, rebuilding our trust and relationship. He has been researching marriage counselors and we hope to have an appointment asap. I also have accepted although i had part in what happened(although i didn't deserve this). I wasn't perfect either. It's going to be a challenge but we want to be together more than anything. The love never ended and we both can't allow this to end our relationship.

Again i can't express how thankful i am for your insight and advice. You appear to be a very compassionate person EhBeth. Please don't ever change.

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@PUNKEY,

Thank you Punkey for your suggestions. We have also listened to your insight snd have taken your suggestions. Although it's going to a while to repair our relatiomship. I believe we are both on our way to recovering. He was able to share his insecurities and anxieties with me. He never made a conscious decision to stray but he was able to really put his actions and emotions into perspevtive. I am also grateful that i found you along with ehbeth during this heart aching journey. I can't thank you enough.

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@HopelessRomantic89,

I'm glad to read that both of you are going to try to work through this.

Try to accept your husband's positive gestures and offer him support as well.

A million years ago, I heard someone talking about marriage/relationships and saying that they weren't 50/50. That to work longterm, they had to be 150/150. Both partners have to want to put in more than 100% because there would be times when one or the other needed their partner to give more.

Keep on with the mini date nights - they can be wonderfully healthy for a relationship. Some days, a walk together can be a valuable/meaningful date.

Take care - come back if you need to blow off some steam (and ignore the idiots Wink

)

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