On Signing Petitions

That's why I never sign online petitions even if I feel strongly about the subject matter.

Well . . . you know me. I'll PM my address to you. And please, no personal checks! Thanks in advance!

Make you a deal: For every ten dollar bill you send me, I will send you nine one dollar bills. Nine for one. It's a pretty good deal.

Okay. But you send me the nine one-dollar bills first, and then I'll send you the ten-dollar bill.

In the world of finance it doesn't work like that. Just try to get an order of Flex Tape without first sending full payment.

What you're really saying is that you don't trust me. How are you ever going to know if you can trust me if you don't give me chance to prove myself. And remember, no personal checks.

Okay, I got an idea on how to resolve this awkward situation. We'll both send money simultaneously. Trust issue solved!

How about I send one; you send one. Then, when I see you are sincere, I will send the other eight.

WTF! It will cost me forty-nine cents, plus the cost of an envelope, to send you one dollar; not to mention the fact that my driveway is 360 feet long and kind of uphill . . . and against the wind . . . both ways. If this is going to work out, I suggest we send fifty cents instead of a dollar in order to offset the cost of shipping and handling. We will send our fifty cents to each other on Monday. I hereby promise to do so. *

*However, I hereby do not promise to honor my promise to do so.

$1 won't cut it. I meant you send a tenner at the same time I send a one and I will send the other eight on receipt of the ten. That's a fair ratio of one to one.

Let's say I agree to your terms and send you a ten-dollar bill at the same time you send me a one-dollar bill. What if you decided to keep the ten and then send no more after the first one-dollar bill? In fact, what if I send the ten, and you don't even send the first dollar at the same time, nor any thereafter?

Okay, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to provide me with some character references; and please, no followers from here on a2k.

My dog, Rocky, knows I am not only trustworthy, but the finest human that ever lived. Animals never lie.

Far be it from me to impugn the integrity of good Rocky's character, but I have to consider the fact that dogs are biased in favor of their masters 99.9% of the time whether said master is in the right or in the wrong. Therefore I'm sure you will understand that I will require a reference as to Rocky's capacity to render an unbiased judgement concerning the likelihood of you sending the dollars as per our agreement.

I am also sure that you will understand that that reference cannot come from you, as there is a 99.9% chance that you will be biased in favor of Rocky. If you could somehow procure a reference from a neighborhood cat, that would definitely suffice.

My cat knows me real well, and I've met Edgar. Send the money.

Wait. I have to come clean and admit I've never met his dog.

It's not fair to ask a cat to vouch for Rocky, as he considers cats varmints and he has sworn to eradicate all varmints. He is adamant on the issue. Just send the damn money.

Thank you for your honesty. Because of your candor I will send edgar the ten. However, if I do not receive anything from him within a reasonable amount of time, I will assume that he has split the ten with you and that you both had a good laugh at my expense. And in that case, I will put both of you on ignore faster than you can say . . . "where's Glennn?"

You can also rest assured that I'll be seeing you both real soon. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. Or . . . it might be tomorrow! At any rate, you won't be seeing me.

It is not my fault that Rocky is an anticatmitic. If not you, then who did he learn that from? I'm not sending the money. In fact, I wouldn't even send you the money in Pepsi returnable cans . . . or Walmart coupons . . . or monopoly money.

Good day, sir. *

*Or good night, depending on your timezone.

Don't do it Edgar....I hear he cheats at golf.

Be careful Glennn, those guys make fun of your complexion poc....I mean irregularities.