Confused about doing right thing with old flame

Hi Everyone

I have a complicated situation, not sure what to do.

When I was in 8th grade I met the most beautiful girl with eyes like I've never seen to this day. We kinda went steady for a while, my 1st love.

Then in high school about early 10th grade we showed interest in each other again. I made the mistake of taking her on a trip to an amusement park with my family. Part way thru the day (as I had remembered it) I lost interest in her. From then on I didn't want anything to do with her.

On and off thru the years I would think of her and couldn't put my finger on what happened.

Mid 30s I was on my way to a nasty booze problem. I needed a change. I dropped booze and nicotine cold turkey. But fate's fickle finger decided I wasn't done being a zombie, my wife's health ongoing problems became a life changer for us both, so I started with Rx for depression, they changed many times ended up on 3 different types at the same time, plus oxy and muscle relaxers for a bad back. The doctor kept upping the oxy for my "needs" now life coping method and I had a new problem. My wife also was over medicated with a ton of pills, including for depression too.

5 years ago I needed another change. I quit it all 1 by 1 cold turkey again(my wife is a saint). She cut back as much as she could also and is no longer a zombie either. Her health has improved alot after 18 years of problems.

We no longer have much in common, interests, goals, or beliefs. She says I'm too sensitive and feel too deeply(I partly agree). We've been separated over 6 months now, friendly. We were friends before dating and both agree it would be a shame to walk away destroying each other and bitter. No real chance of getting back.

Working thru the past I didn't know that my childhood and teen years were so terrible. I had a shrink tell me my dad used torture methods and military boot camp style "brain washing" on me. Cleaning his house after he died confirmed he was a sick bastard.

Here recently I was thinking of her and what happened and I now remember how he was on me all day, whispering crap at me, pushing my buttons so to speak. He was never one to let up on anything.

I transferred my pain, feelings, basically all my baggage to her. The joy of seeing/being with her became a weakness, a vulnerability he used against me. This realization made me feel so bad.

My 1st thought was to write her a letter apologizing(I'm not on social media). Pure thought of trying to make a wrong right.

My 2nd thought after thinking on it for a while was, maybe this could possibly lead somewhere.

My 3rd thought was she's into a 2nd marriage with an adult child or 2 also. This could cause some damage on her end.

I feel I owe her an explanation, I would want to know. Almost a compulsion to do something to make it right. Maybe send it with no return address. I'm not easy to find, she would have to work at it to contact me.

Any kind of relationship would make life very hard at this time. I have plans on moving in spring, starting a business, much to do.

I would say she is the 1 person I've hurt the most in my life and I don't like how I feel about it. My life's goal now is to make the world better and this is heavy to carry.

Should I send a letter. It seems like parts of my heart and honor both say to send it and then also not to send it.

Thanks for any feedback you have. I know I did wrong, please don't beat me up too much for being an ass when I was a teen. I've been doing plenty of that myself.

Ps. If for some reason you would see this Miss J, I am truly sorry for the pain I caused.