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Wed 27 Sep, 2017 12:29 pm
Ok this is a very quick synopsis. I have been married for 2 years just over. My husband and I started talking through fb, we went to same school but now I had moved to a different country. Over the following 4 months we became very close, I was come out of a relationship and was honest about it all. He was so glad wanted to meet me when I came back home to visit. We got very intimate and I went back earlier than planned, mainly to meet him. We spent hours and hours texting talking. I told him if he met anyone just let me know as I understood the distance. He kept on and on that he wanted me and would meet me first before going back to dating scene....fast forward we met, it was amazing and started a relationship, he came over I went back he came back and we married. Now here's the part...3 months after meeting I received a message from a girl saying during the time we were talking he was seeing her at weekends, she thought they had something and he left her
suddenly, I also found out he had a one off intimate time with two other exes. He claims he wasn't sure we would meet and needed female company ...Then why lie?? I gave him the chance to be honest. He said he was afraid I wouldn't meet him. It broke trust. I decided to keep at it as it was before we met but it lurkes over me a lot. I know we hadn't met but I feel betrayed. Is it normal. He is totally loyal and faithful to me since our first meeting. I feel ridiculous that I am letting this short period of time before we met tarnish our future.
@Wanttomoveon3,
Are you now living in the same country/city?
@ehBeth,
Yes, he moved to me and we married in 2015...this happened in 2014. I thought it it's nothing we were not together. In hindsight that was shock denial I don't know I was so so hurt by it. Now we are married and he doesn't contact them and said it was just he wasn't sure if we would ever meet and had just got out of a long relationship. Once he met me he knew that was it. I just feel it was sneaky and he didn't trust I would have met him of he was casually dating. He says this girl was someone to spent time with as needed female company but couldn't tell me. It seems now it comes up inside of me sometimes and I hate it I should be over it by now hence why I feel rediculous
@Wanttomoveon3,
I know I have punished him enough. But I feel he took away our innocent honeymoon period with this. I didn't want to believe it at the start and played it down. Now details come to my mind at the most stupid times and I can spurt out a sarcastic remark. I have to move on I just don't know how.
If he was dating before you met/married and you can't get over it, you may need to get professional help moving on. Look at arranging some professional counselling. It doesn't have to be long duration - just enough to get tips that will help you.
@ehBeth,
Yeah I have been thinking that's the answer, something is stopping me that maybe about me and triggers rather than the actual thing itself. Thank you
It seems odd that you would turn back and focus on his life BEFORE you and he really became serious.
Do you doubt his love now?
Are you happy now?
Yes, counseling will help you figure all this out.
@PUNKEY,
You make a good point. I never thought of it like that. It was a difficult first year and I suppose I kind of felt angry and blamed him for deceiving me so early. It was more the betrayal of trust from lying, rather than cheating ( how can you call it cheating when you have never met!!). I suppose looking at it there may be some residual anger or resentment at that. Also maybe my guard went up a little. Although he gives ms no reason to distrust i almost am scared of that "shock" gut churning feeling again.
@Wanttomoveon3,
I'm going to try and put myself in his shoes at the time when you were communicating, but were living in a different country. During this period
Quote:I told him if he met anyone just let me know as I understood the distance.
You told him - did he say yes I will - was he clear he agreed to this? My other thought is this sort of says you are not committed 100% - this frees him in a sense that you are not a couple no matter the feelings between you two. In his shoes, he probably felt it would hurt you and could cause you two to break up permanently if he said he was at all involved with someone else.
As long as you two - once you became a couple - did not "cheat" I wouldn't worry about it. The important thing is that you two are together now and his prior experiences more than likely solidified his feelings for you.
@Linkat,
Yes he fully understood it as his reply was don't say that I am 100 % sure it's you I want. It is more the lying and not telling me he was on the dating scene and professing his feelings for me. Since we met he has been totally faithful and even for a period before I found out after we met but he was still in another country. He acted totally different after we met. I suppose i kind of feel humiliated and like there i was stating my feelings and being intimate and he was reciprocating bit how could it habe been heartfelt if a few hours later he is with another woman. I know it's past and he and I want nothing more than to out this behind us. I ha e been to a therapist and he says it is the boundary that was violated and trust. I wasn't given the choice to make life decisions on how far I took it etc as I was given false information. It's more that than cheating because I am not niece I understand a relationship involves emotional and physical contact.
@Linkat,
Thank you for your perspective, it does make me think from a different point of view how it was for him.
@Wanttomoveon3,
Didn't YOU set the boundary?
Apparently these girls meant nothing to him and as soon as you were physically near him, he quit all others.
Just out of curiosity: Did you go to a female ir male therapist?
@PUNKEY,
Yes my therapist said my issue is because I had set the boundary. I had said to my husband " I like you would like something more but because we are so far away I understand until we meet we won't know for sure" he said he knew and didn't want to date he would meet me and of it didn't work would then go on to date others. I said ok just if that cha yes please be honest. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. As the no the went by I opened up became more intimate. He even went so far as to tell me an ex had contacted him and asked him to call her, he said he wanted to be up front as i had asked and that nothing had happened. (Failed to tell me he met up with her a few times and they had actually had sex) looking back this seemed even crueler as he gave me pieces and missed out big bits making it look like he was overly honest!!! My therapist said the pain I am experiencing is because I had set that boundary if you meet someone let me know and it related to trust. He failed to be honest about his dating so it violated the trust. It felt like humiliation. My therapist is a male
@PUNKEY,
I did set the boundary. Not sure what you meant by your question
@Wanttomoveon3,
Don't you want to move forward?
It seems like you are really hooked on staying in the past and not looking at the present or the future.
He lied by omission in the past. He is true and honest in the present. He changed.
What are you actively doing to keep the relationship moving forward? I think you both have to be active in this matter.
@ehBeth,
Yes I do want to move forward and yes I agree with what you say. I was married before for 14 years to a pathological liar and it was horrendous. It took a while to learn to trust again. I think that has a lot to do with why it is so bad to me and probably seems trivial. It kind of was a trigger.
@Wanttomoveon3,
It's not so much that it's trivial or not. It's getting stuck on it.
What actions are you taking with your husband? what are you both doing to work on your trust of him? Are you living in a country where there are Catholic marriage support groups? I'm not Catholic but I've seen some decent results from their pre- and post-marital support groups.
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