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Tue 12 Sep, 2017 05:35 am
I've been having an affair with a coworker. Whenever we've been away together for the past year we have slept together, but it's been far more than just that. We developed a friendship, we enjoyed each others company and got really close. It was an emotional connection that I hadn't felt with my husband. He said initially he loved his wife, then it changed to him being confused and hinting that he was thinking about leaving her. Anyway a few months ago he said he was never going to leave her. I left my husband 6 months ago, I felt that if I was willing to do this I shouldn't be with him and I had fallen in love with this other man, who claimed he had fallen for me too. He says, but apparently they all do, that they haven't slept together in a year.
When I see him he is really affectionate and I find this really hard to deal with. Since he said that he was never going to leave her, I have been trying to get over him, but I'm just finding it so hard. He texts me most days and talks about us going away again, but I don't want to be part of an affair. I wanted a proper pure relationship with him, not this polluted with deceit. Also, because it fluctuates betweeen very intense when we're away to just idling along when we're back, I find this emotionally draining. I feel angry that he was so weak not to sort out his marriage and either fix it or leave, which I know is hypocritical since I engaged in the same behaviour initially.
Please don't judge me in the whole 'you made your bed', I have done that enough without anyone else needing to tell me. I guess I want advice from anyone who has been here. What did you do to get over him. I'd imagine I will be told to cut off all contact. I'm sure that's what I need to do (although we still work together), I just find that so hard, because I really care about him. I want him to be part of my life, but at the same time it is destroying me.
@Someone222,
This guy is no friend of yours.
He still wants to have his cake and eat it, too. It complicates matters that you have to work together and you also have to travel together.
So here are a few things you can do:
- Get your resume up to date and start putting out feelers that you're looking for a new job. I ain't kiddin'. Staying in this job will most likely make you miserable.
- Tell the travel agency at your office (if there is one; if not, make your own arrangements) that you need to stay in a hotel other than this guy's, the next time you're on a business trip together. If you can't swing that, then push for another floor or to be closer to your boss if you are also traveling with him or her. You get the idea. Say you're getting over a twisted ankle and need a handicapped room if one is available. Say you are worried about theft and want to be on a top floor, or you want a view. Or you want a quieter side of the building or farther away from the smoking rooms or whatever - you get the idea. Remove the opportunity as much as you can.
- Business travel means meals, of course. Don't eat alone with him anymore. Entertain clients or get room service, or get up early for exercise and then eat on your own before he's even awake. Staying away during mealtimes will keep temptation down and make it easier for you to not get into difficult situations.
- Tell him to quit bothering you unless it's for business, and mean it. Unfriend and unfollow him on social media unless it is directly related to your job. Block his texts unless you absolutely must take them for work. And if he tries to go all lovey dovey in office communications, tell him you only want to talk about business. And mean it.
I think you did the right thing ending your marriage; a lot of people don't. That took a lot of courage and a lot of sensitivity to your ex-husband's own circumstances. Kudos for that, definitely.
This guy is a coward for not doing the same. The faster you can leave him in the dust, the happier you will be. And consider counseling to get you over the hump, okay? Talk to an impartial professional about why you settled for this and why it held you in thrall.
You're gonna be okay. You're a helluva lot stronger than him, and this.
Thank you. I did wonder about counselling, that might help. Yes I need to speak to him about it, I'm just struggling to build up the courage, but can't go on like this.
@Someone222,
You don't have to tell him anything beyond, "I am here to do work and only want to talk about work with you."
You don't have to explain it. He will figure it out.
@Someone222,
Tell him- by message if possible - that you will be discussing only work matters with him.
Try not to let him engage you in conversation about this.
Work with a counsellor to support you through the process. If you have a friend who is aware of the situation, work with them to screen your calls and messages. Block him on any personal devices you have - change your contact details and do not share them with him.
Be extremely cautious about anything personal on work-owned/work-monitored media.
@jespah,
jespah wrote: I think you did the right thing ending your marriage; a lot of people don't. That took a lot of courage and a lot of sensitivity to your ex-husband's own circumstances. Kudos for that, definitely.
This guy is a coward for not doing the same. The faster you can leave him in the dust, the happier you will be. And consider counseling to get you over the hump, okay? Talk to an impartial professional about why you settled for this and why it held you in thrall.
You're gonna be okay. You're a helluva lot stronger than him, and this.
this
all of this
__
the OP has already been more honest and courageous than her affair partner
@Someone222,
Someone222 wrote:I'm just struggling to build up the courage
you've been strong enough to end a marriage - you can send that goodbye message
Thank you. You're right, I know it's what I need to do.
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