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Am I being a jerk?

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Waterwahine
 
Reply Mon 11 Sep, 2017 08:17 am
Before I start I just want to let everyone know I'm open to criticism and I'm here to
Seek honest advice not just what people think I would like to hear. So I have been happily married to a great man for the past two years. My husband and I don't argue about typical marital problems such as infidelity and finances. Our biggest strife is.... here it comes.... my mother in law.

I will start by saying one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was because he is such a good family man. My husband is the only child his parents are divorced dad is happily remarried and mom is not

With that being said my husband is 100 percent the emotional rock for his mother. He tells me all the time that he is the ONLY thing in this world that makes his mother happy. Although she has a great job and has many family and friends around her. Even her parents live next to her and are in their 80s and are doing very well.

My mother in law doesn't like me or my family. She is very rude and unwelcoming when they are around. Even though we always invite and include her in everything. I also often find that she says many things to my husband that makes him feel manipulated (although he doesn't see it that way) she tells him that if he doesn't come visit they he doesn't love her and we live so far (30 minutes away) that he is to far to help take care of his grandparents and her.

My relationship with her started off rocky at the very beginning when she wants me and my husband to move into her house (the house my husband grew up in) and she would move out and get her own place. I don't feel comfortable in their neighborhood for certain reasons and it was way to far from my job. She then accused me of trying to take my husband away from his family. Which I never would do that. I have strong values as well. I just believe at this point in our lives we need to be doing what's good for our life and marriage not what's good for his mom.

Ok let's get to it..... vacation. I'm all about family vacations parents are fleeting and I want my husband to spend time with his mom as well as my family. Last year and the year before we took his mom to Atlanta and we also took her to Washington DC. It was just me my husband and her. So before we met my husband and her has a tradition where every year they would go on an amazing trip to somewhere new around the world. They have been everywhere from India, to ItAly and even China together. The last big trip he has with her was the year we got married they went to India together it was about two years ago. She keeps telling my husband that the only time she's happy is when they are traveling together.... so now this year in October (they are leaving the day after our anniversary) to go to Japan and Tailand together for over two weeks. And no.... I wasn't invited. I am a school teacher so I can travel anytime anywhere for 2 and a half months during the summer... my MIL secretly planned this trip for October. My husband says of course I'm invited. But I can't help to feel left out. Even though I can't go due to work I feel like of all the times I have seen my MIL she could have at least asked me if I wanted to go. Anyways.... this trip is just an example of many things that take place with her in our marriage. I feel so left out and so hurt.... it's actually making me feel so angry and resentful towards my husband. I don't know if my feelings are normal. I want him to spend time and enjoy things with his mom I just feel like a long trip to Asia is a bit over board. I have tried telling him how I feel and he keeps telling me that of course she wants me to come even though I know it's not true. I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. Please someone tell me if I'm being unfair to my husband I'm just so hurt.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 361 • Replies: 3

 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 11 Sep, 2017 11:30 am
@Waterwahine ,
Wow, your MIL really is treating you like 'the other woman'. Egad, she's awfully emotionally dependent upon your husband.

As for her needing care, she's probably pretty close in age to me (I'm 55). I don't need care. Of course her needs may be different but the bottom line is that the 50s aren't old unless you've got some sort of a major illness. Since you didn't mention it, I am operating under the assumption that she's not a cancer patient, didn't have a heart attack, isn't on oxygen, doesn't have diabetes or HIV, and is in decent health but not necessarily a marathoner.

Her parents, in their 80s, are a different story. That is a decade when a lot of people get impaired in one way or the other.

But she's most likely not.

I bet dollars to doughnuts the idea of moving you into a closer house was intended as a means to get you to shoulder care responsibilities for her folks and, eventually, for her.

You and your husband don't have to do any of this.

Nowhere in the child-parent 'contract' is it written in stone that the offspring must always always always care for the parents and/or grandparents. This doesn't mean you get to have a heart of stone, but at the same time, you and your husband do not need to be responsible.

You can hire help. You can finance part of the care. You can be nearby and visit. But you don't have to change bedpans, etc. no matter what anyone says.

Your husband sounds like a truly nice person who his mother has glommed onto. I take it she has no friends and no social circle? No dates, etc.? Because if she had pals, she could travel with them, etc.

I am guessing (I am not a doctor) that she is depressed at least a bit, and certainly isolated in her life. The fact that that may very well be her own fault is immaterial right now.

Maybe the thing to do is get her in to see her primary care physician. At least rule out organic issues and then, when she (probably) gets a clean bill of health, start pushing her to some activities with pals of her own age. Me? I would not be a terribly good traveling companion for someone in their 20s or 30s and the reverse would be true. If she were to spend time with her peers more, she would lean on your husband a lot less.
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PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Mon 11 Sep, 2017 03:31 pm
No, you are not being a jerk. You are being a wife. He is not being a husband.

Why? Because his mother is overbearing, hovering and cannot stand to see another woman have any control over her son. And your husband did not have the balls to insist that his wife now be included on these 'family trips.'

Guess what? This is NEVER going to change.

Tell your husband that you are so upset that you both must see a marriage counselor. Let the counselor tell him he needs to be more assertive with his mother.

Your marriage depends on this. Don't have any children until this is settled.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Mon 11 Sep, 2017 05:10 pm
@PUNKEY,
Listen to Punkey on this

PUNKEY wrote:
Your marriage depends on this. Don't have any children until this is settled.


get counselling sooner rather than later

avoid having children with this man til things are in a much better state
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