Did I do the right thing/ Where do I go from here?

I mett this guy 7 years ago visiting my family 6 hours away,and 2 years before that actually.. i just didn't realize or remember until he jogged my memory. We hit it off, and became involved in a serious long distanced relationship, where we would see each other when possible and every 3 months. This relationship was also my first one period, and I was 16, now 23. The relationship lasted this way about 2 1/2 years, we faced some troubles. When I graduated from school 6 months later, we got back together and I went to visit him where he lived for the first time.

He had moved away, and was one hour closer. I don't know why, bus schedules are crazy so it took 5-6 hours of traveling still. I guess you could say, reality truth slapped me. I was 18, in a long distanced relationship, and I had no plan. Where did I want this relationship to take me? He was pretty much stuck in the same scenario. It was hard to get a job and still be able to come and see me. We both needed to do that and just still figure out our lives. So.. after some arguments, things ended.

It was terrible, and this time.. there was nothing left to do, but just pure silence. Pure silence.. for a long time. I think I blocked out the pain, it was all I could do. Fast forward to 8 months or more later, and we're trying to talk and be on friendly terms. Well, I still had feelings.. and he didn't want a relationship. It was really hard, and I couldn't handle it, so again some more arguments. Another year later, we both began to date other people, yet we still stayed in touch. Nothing serious. Until I mett someone, My third relationship came around and I dissapeared. We had just began to toss the idea around of maybe dating each other again, but found ourselves in this weird scenario, where it was like.. oh should I date this person, then it was like.. oh remember when we use to.. it was all over place.

I stayed in my third relationship, which ended badly a totaly of 6-7 months, and he started one around the same time. Which he is still in, about 3 years later. After my last ex and I split, we regained contact, which was on and off, up until 5 months ago at least. I was very sick in the hospital with pancreatitus, and it changed my perspective of life a whole lot. I found myself reaching out to him. He messaged me when I was still in the hospital, after not hearing from him for months, and it just changed.

So, now currently, he's been in a relationship for 3 years, and I haven't been in one for 3 years. The past 5 months, we've talked non stop just about everyday. As you can imagine, things have gotten very involved, and very complex. He has feelings for me still, and I have feelings for him still. At first I thought, I kept reaching out just because I've always talked to him, but it wasn't that at all. I've been holding on all these years.


There's nothing we don't or can't talk about with each other. It's just like it was. There is some incredible connection that keeps us binded and I just don't know what it is. Anyways, he knows I've been struggling emotionally and so has he. He's now stuck in this situation, where he has feelings for two people, and doesn't know what to do. I tried leaving a few times, just to kind of get my head on straight, to take a step back, and also just for him, just so he could figure it out for himself too. I wasn't very successful. One day I even blurted out I really missed him one day, and he said he missed me too. Basically though, this what has went down within the past two weeks. We haven't spoken much in the past week and you'll see why. What I'm asking though, is did I do the right thing? Did I say the right thing.. and really, where do you guys think I should go from here?


Me : How do you feel?
For me its just like some nights.. I'm fighting not saying something along the lines of i love you and stuff.. then im like maybe i shouldn't? ... its totally.. like, idk.

Him: My emotions are a jumbled mess right now. Obviously we have something, but I don't want to spoil it again by jumping to fast.

Me : I'm sorry.. I'm just trying to understand, like between me and the person your seeing.. or just.. I don't wanna make it hard on you, its so hard for me to pull back on what I feel when it's been so long you know? and It's just so easy, and natural for me to be with you this way.. I can't explain it.. but I'm literally.. just that full of love. Yes.. and yes, please don't think im trying to rush things, it's just taken us so long to get back to where we are currently. Like, for me..i already feel its all together.. i can openely say i miss you, i love you even and all of that, the only thats missing is just you being physcically here haha
im just able to do all of this with you still because i feel that close and just like i can tell you anything

Him: Yeah, it may sound terrible and I'm sorry if it offends, but I still have feelings for her, and I have feelings for you too. I just don't know what to do with it all. I know I have been pulling back alot lately too, from both you and her, just trying to get myself right.
I just don't know how to handle this right now, I have alot on my plate and for the first time in a long time I got my life in order too.
So I recede and shell myself away,
You know?
Me : It doesn't offend me at all... the reason im trying to understand, is so i know what your going through and so I adjust to make it better you know? That way im not like overhwelming you with everything without knowing where things are with you too, you know? I just wasn't sure if it was something I was doing wrong haha. The only fear I have is somehow pushing you away. Time and your heart, and your wants can only tell you, what you want, and who's the right fit for you, you know? I know you have, and it's okay.. at the end of the day it doesn't make me feel any differently towards you, I know how hard it must be. I just want you to know this, you don't have to worry about hurting me... because I understand. Nothing will change the way I feel about you.. I'm in a pretty stable place in my life right now ( besides the liscense) i mean.. im basically where you're at too.. just my worries are mainly medical wise, and I enjoy having you to talk to, and I really don't mean to make things harder, its just hard for me to hide what I feel sometimes. I don't have the strength to stay away anymore... unless it was what you needed.

Me : Please don't ever feel I'll judge you though, or you have anything to fear.. the last thing I'd ever do is make you choose. I won't.


Him: I know you would never do any thing like that too begin with, I'm just having a hard time trying to make sense of it somethimes.
You're right about the time thing though. It will reveal what is right.
There's no need to rush anything and make things not work.

Me : Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you knew. It's okay... I struggle with the same thing myself, its not exactly the easiest situation to be in when your already involved with someone.. so i can imagine how torn you probably are feeling. Yes.. only you can know what is right for you. No, no need to rush, its just so easy for me to get so wrapped up in you, you know? and it's nothing you've been doing or anything, it's just I never really stopped. I just want you to know you are loved, regardless, i care for you a lot.
But im happy you told me so i could understand.. sometimes its just nice to be able to tell someone what your going through.
I'm just not sure how to be sometimes, one day im lovey.. the next im just kinda chill lol.. but its because im also balancing...
I also apologize for making you feel rushed at all.. I promise.. im not trying to do that. just my feelings.
Anyways,
Him : Well that makes me feel great! So yeah, that's how things are right now. Haha. Yes, anyways, what's up?
*Random chatter*
Skip forward to a few days later.. me struggling internally with everything.

Me : I have to be completely honest with you, about what we talked about.
It seems, like you need to go away and figure out what you want and be on your own for a while, and i want your happiness more than anything in the world, i just want you to be happy. So i feel like you need to go and be on your own in order to figure out what you want and i hope I'm still here when your ready, but until then i know that i need someone who is completely in, because i wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't 100 percent about wanting to be with me.
To which he replied... the next day.

Him:
Good morning!

Me : Good Morning... Are you sure you don't want some space?

Him : Lmao nah, I'll be fine. I'd let you know if I did. What are you up to today?
*Random chatter*
Fast forward to the next day or so...
*Random chatter again*
I sent this at night... feeling torn with emotions.
Me : On another note, and I'm very sorry to be going back to this but I feel it's necessary. I've been doing some thinking, and as hard as this may be.. I really think I have to step away for a little while. I just.. I don't even know.
Him: Good morning, well I'm not gonna fight you over this, cause it is probably for the best, but it does suck. Just promise we won't lose contact
Me: Good morning, and yes..It really does suck. I wish it was easier, smoother.Feelings complicate everything. I know it's the best for both of us right now though. I promise to try, emotionally and mentally I'm not really sure of anything right now, ya know. It doesn't come without difficulty or pain.

Him: Exactly, things are tough enough already, and its just so complicated, maybe step back for a bit I'd the best move in the longrun

Like... 2 days later.

Me : Well... It didn't take me long to break down and cry. It's harder than I thought even to try and go away for a bit im really not good at that..
Ugh.. It's so much harder when we've spent so long just trying to get to a point where we could stay in touch again.. With months on end of silence.. So it's not gonna be easy either way.. But it doesn't matter.. I would much rather have complicated and be able to talk to you Because I never want to go through feeling like im losing you all over again or the silence.
There is no going back for me. I'm in way too deep and if you want the truth that scares the **** out of me...but i trust you, and i know.. What we have is real..and regardless what it is right now.. Or may eventually be, im here.
I'm here and if I find myself needing a break in the future, then I'll just take a day or so to myself if needed from now on...
Two days later after no response.
Me : Well, I'm sorry for all that and I hope your not upset with me. I know you're probably busy.. but if you are upset, im sorry.
Me: Are you there? if I don't hear from you though I understand, and will give you space.

Him: Hey, I'm sorry, but you kinda just threw that on me out of nowhere. So I'm a little upset. I did a good bit of thinking and came to realize that while I don't want top be without you, us, isn't going to work out either, at this time anyways. I want us to still be close though. You know what I mean?
I just need a little space for now.
Everything from the last few days hit be kinda hard. So I need a little time to recede and think this over.

Me: I understand..take as much time as you need.

3 days have passed currently. I have not contacted him and he has not contacted me yet. So what do you all think? Did I say and do the right thing.. and where should I go from here.