Lack of anal access makes me feel frustrated despite regular love making

Hi there,

first of all - is this your wife or fiancee? I'm kinda lost on details - in the beginning you call her your wife and then you say you're 'about to' marry her?

You also mentioned she's 'not ready'. Did she say if there's a chance she's ever gonna be ready?

I think it could be a big deal for both of you if you don't deal with it and find a solution you're both comfortable with. You'll be more and more frustrated and she'll feel more and more guilty about not giving you what you need. The solution, though, needs to be a balanced one, one that will not push her to do something she doesn't want to do and at the same time you'll be able to have your needs met.

And maybe someone around here has better knowledge about wether you can just somehow get rid of a sexual preference, but I've never heard of anything like that, so not really sure if this is even possible.

Maybe you could make up for it another way? Is there anything else you haven't tried that you always wanted and possibly she would be open to that? Or maybe she would be ok to take it step by step? Did you discuss what went wrong the first time so that maybe you can work on that and try again?

Whatever you do, be gentle, understanding, empathetic and open-minded. I understand anal sex could be an issue for many women but when done right, it also can be a great experience, so try and talk to her. I bet there's plenty of instructions/tips how to do it right, take it slowly etc. Maybe if you find something like that, it would calm her and help you find a good solution to this.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry for the confusion, she is my fiancee. We've been together 7 years and Calling her my wife has become normal and comfortable. We would like to have been married before but some injuries and crisis really got in the way.

What went wrong for her before was the all to common scenario. She was pressured into it by past boyfriend's and neither one knew how to do it carefully, properly, or pleasurably. I have experience with this before yet as stated before and I never wanted to rush or pressure anything.

When we first got together she offered it to me but wanted no foreplay or warming up. So once again it just went rushed and I was the only who was comfortable but never knew that. Her offering it to me and wanting no warm up made me believe she obviously knew what she wanted and was cool with it. Call me crazy. Everything still seemed great afterwards but it was suddenly something that she didn't want to talk about, try, or consider so I dropped it and repressed my desires.

Ignoring what I really want has turned into such an intense and frustrating desire now, more so than it's ever been. Also because in my experience this was actually quite an intimate thing between two people given the level of trust and comfort needed. It's made me insecure because she's done this multiple times with other ppl and myself but it just became this thing that she says she doesn't understand, thinks is kinda gross, and isn't ready for.. confusion given our previous experience in this..

My relationship before her was very sexual and anal play was absolutely regular and preferred. I loved it! It's just part of my sexuality.. I like boobs, I like vagina, I refuse to think I'm strange for liking her butt and butthole too. Why wouldn't I? It's just as attractive to me as anything else.

There's nothing risky, strange, abnormal, or edgy that we do in sex and it's basically just love making all the time and taken a little off putting that as a man, I need more than that. The balance seems to he off but more favored to yet side. By that I mean, emotionally nourished , and off balance on my side where I'm meet with sexually satisfied. I believe in compromise and being open and non judgmental of these things.

Recently she let me play with her anus briefly during oral and she orgasmed nicely but bow it's back to being strange and she's not ready. I mentioned getting a counselor to help me get over this and she says no she doesn't want me to have something taken from me that I really want. But that she's also just not ready to enjoy it yet. I feel like I'm being messed with and not taken seriously. I'm just on standby and I have been made to believe it's something wrong with me when in reality she's the only woman who's ever done this with me.

I wanted to know how to get over this desire because she has a right to not like something but it's not being made clear that this is a yes or no thing to explore. Just sort of pushed aside every time when I'm actually expressing something that to me, is a big deal for me to feel satisfied. I feel like I don't know how to find the solution which has brought me here.

I'm open to being in the wrong to have this attraction and desire. I just wanted to know really if it's fair to say that a strong sexual desire discrepancy or the way she is handling me on this, is making me less able to feel the love between that otherwise is very strong. I just feel repressed and honestly ignored but this topic is a difficult one to get good advice on. Thanks again

Oh and is it pathetic of me to feel like she must have trusted the other men more or been more attracted to them or more willing to explore with them than she is with me? This seems like a simple taboo topic but it's made me question so much more. I feel ridiculous but this is truly an organic feeling and one that I don't even want.

This sounds like a deal breaker for you and an indifference to her. She knows this is driving you crazy.

So - don't think it's about the sex. What else is going on in your relationship where there is a standoff?

You are wise. Honestly she swears to he happier than she's ever been. I can honestly say with confidence that I treat her very well. I think highly of her, I consider her needs and try my best to make sure she has a full life from my end of in out on that.
She seems comfortable and wonders if previous bad relationships have made her damaged goods. I assure her that not true and not how I see her. She says shes never been abused or sexually abused just had controlling boyfriend's and poorly suited jerks. Which makes this even worse because they made her life terrible and yet had the same or better sexual access to her than I do and I'm committed my life to being a good man to her.

If I pulled back on emotionally nourishing her I know she'd feel the way I do but she's incapable of seeing how much sex and her openness and trusting me sexually nourishes me in return. It's so frustrating and you asking these questions is making me see how I feel more clearly so thank you.

She seems to think me getting mine is enough for me but it's about far more than that. I take this as a standoff and disconnect but she says it's not true. Everyone around us thinks we have a perfect relationship and in many ways we do. But sex has always been left somewhat empty for me and when we talk about these things I feel , I'm left thinking I need to control myself, and get over abnormal levels of desire for her.

Maybe you are correct in that there must be a deeper issue that she is avoiding telling me. This has all come to a head because now that I'm preparing to marry her, I'm also considering these things more seriously and want to avoid making a mistake. Thanks for your help friend.

I'd also like to say that I know anal isn't everyone's thing. If she had never done it before and tried it with me and it couldn't work, I'd understand that. But this is just simply not the case. So it is very hard for me to deal with.

Maybe it might be a good idea to meet her halfway. Get her a strap on dildo and give her access to your butthole.
Of course if she sees you enjoying it she'll probably be more amenable to your butt probing. You never know.

Neither of us are interested in her becoming dominant over me or me doing that myself. This is something we had and has been done and for no reason was taken away and is now a subject that seems gross to yet when it was not that way before. When talked about it's swept under the rug and I'm left without any gain in understanding what happened. Your "advice" doesn't really match my question but thanks anyways

Plus I'm actually talking about touching and seeing her right now not rushing to penetration. I could he fine without penetration ever but for it to he a part of her body that is off limits to even like or be attracted to after it was offered to me and offered to other men, is frustrating and confusing.

Ok, so you actually did try to talk to her about how you could be ok with no penetration, only touching and looking at her? You mentioned that this issue, if you ever start talking about it, is just swept under the rug so did you ever have a chance to bring that up?

The more I think about it, the more I'm concerned that this will blow up at some point one way or another if you don't deal with it now. I know she said seeing a specialist shouldn't be an option, but to be honest, with all the info you provided, it seems like the only reasonable option is to actually get professional consultation.. we can give you our thoughts here, but let's be honest - we're not sexologists/psychologists and I think you might need to talk to someone with more knowledge and experience, since this is your life we're talking about. You're about to make a commitment and I totally understand that you want to avoid making a big mistake.

And that point about this being a symptom of a bigger problem just makes me more sure that this is what you should do. Ideally, you would go see someone with her, so you can work it out together (and in my opinion she should be open to that if she understands that's a big issue for you) but if that's off the table, you should go by yourself and work on this the best way possible.

I wish you all the best and hope you'll find a solution to this. Let us know how it goes, if possible.

Thank you for your thought out response. I am going to take your advice. I really appreciate it.

Sure, no problem. Keeping my fingers crossed!