Wed 2 Aug, 2017 05:29 pm
This is a unique and rather long and detailed situation, and difficult for me to express in a forum situations so that others can fully understand it, but I really need some solid advice. Eight years ago, on my birthday, I met the one. The second we entered the same room, it were as if I had found a part of me that had been missing. From that night Forward, I would begin sleeping in the same bed. For the first 10 days, we were absolutely inseparable. We understood each other on so many levels better than anybody and understood either of us before. We could communicate just by looking in each other's eyes. We shared so many things in common and we had both been so misunderstood our entire lives and we each understood all of the things that others hadn't. And the things that we didn't have in common we were able to teach each other. He was five years younger than I was, so he was struggling with his sexuality, largely due to his extreme religious upbringing. I had also gone through that that was a little bit more ahead of the curve due to my age. While both of us it had sexual experiences with other men, neither of us of ever dated or had feelings for another guy. While we spent nearly 24 seven together, we also both knew when to give the other one space. There was no jealousy, no spying on each other or blowing up each other's phone with text messages. We both made each other feel extremely self confidence and brought the best out in each other. Everybody could see how in love we were. There was extreme intimacy between us. In fact, I had never been able to stand sleeping in a bed with somebody until him. We never even got sexual for many months. Finally, he told me that he was in love with me and can no longer deny it. But he was also honest that he was struggling with the issue and told me that he might go back-and-forth on it. I was patient and went with my gut. And he even warned me about his defense mechanisms and always keep me updated that he was working on things and we progressed slowly. But, after year, I convinced myself that I needed to give him space and I moved 3000 miles away. In hindsight, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done. He flat out told me that it was my physical presence in his life that was forcing him to deal with something he had been repressing for his whole life.
We lost touch for several months, and he also ended up moving away. He got reacquainted with an old girlfriend, and moved in with her. He is one of those people who, when trying to keep a secret, always ends up letting it out somehow. We started talking again on the phone, almost every night. His girlfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook, with a message saying how I was all he talked about. He then told me he was not in love with her and he wanted to leave her and wanted to come be with me. He just needed to figure out how to tell her. Lo and behold, he found out in a few weeks that she was pregnant even though she had been on the pill supposedly. He was abandoned and abused as a child, so I am pretty certain she did this on purpose. He had so much pressure from both sides to marry her, and the fact that he had been abandoned made him feel obligated not to do the same to his child, which I could not blame him for.
He wanted to stay friends, but then he told me that he was wrong to say he was in love with me and that he only told me that because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. I was so hurt. And I knew deep down it wasn't true because he said it to me multiple times and look to be deep in the eye, and it was much more than just words. When he tried to take it back he couldn't even look at me. We were web chatting and he has a total tell when he lies, and he is the worst liar, especially to me. I went five years without contacting him, until this past weekend.
I emailed him, and within an hour, he called me. That was Sunday. Today is Thursday. We have been texting every single day, almost all day long, including talking on the phone several times. He told me he is not in love with his wife and feels trapped in the marriage and would like to leave. He has told me many personal things that he would not tell anybody else. We haven't talked about our feelings from the past, but we have talked about how we have grown and learned things from then. But I can still hear in his voice and I just can feel that he still feels things for me, but I am so afraid to even hope. I am still in love with him. Because I know I will never love anybody else like that. The connection we have is something that can never ever be repeated in life. Am I crazy? I will never bring up the subject of our past feelings, and I know he probably won't either, unless he is 100% sure he Has completely accepted that part of him self . I truly believe he is actually bisexual. I think he could fall in love with either a man or a woman, and he just happened to fall in love with a man. His religious family in doctrine aided in him how wrong that was and he was abandoned by his biological family and was brought up to believe that being gay was the worst mortal sin possible. But even his biological sister told him to get over himself and to feel blessed that he had found his true love. I don't know what the future will hold, and I know not to expect anything, but we even said to each other the other day that we wouldn't doubt being in each other's orbit again. But I know that my guard is up and I can't get my hopes up. But part of me just can't give up all hope either. How do I protect myself from getting hurt, without giving up all hope? How do I not sabotage any remote possibility while still protecting myself? I know what I know deep down in my soul, which is never been wrong, but my head is full of contradictory, over analyzing thoughts. I really need somebody to help me with this.
This guy's holding all the cards: he's got his "cover" wife and marriage (even though he tells you he's miserable, yet he stays), and a child . . . and then there's you. You are the forbidden love, in so many ways.
It's been eight years. Unless he comes to terms about his sexual preference and where his emotions are, you are always going to be something on the 'side.' He just doesn't have the courage.
Is that going to be good enough for you?