My fault or his? What to do ?please help

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Hi all
I have a problem which I need advice on. I hope someone can help. I have been dating a guy for around four months now. A few nights ago we had dinner and a few drinks, we both ended up tipsy. Late that night we went to bed as you do and one thing lead to another. Previously I discussed with him that I had to come off my pill because it was causing me problems. We were in his room in the dark and we started to take each other's clothes off as things got more heated. Before anything happened I said to him we need to use protection and reminded him about the pill. He agreed. Again as we kept kissing I gently reminded him again and he said yeah we can use a condom, so at this he excused himself to go and lock his front door and came back and went into his drawer , which I assumed was to get a condom. He came back and we started kissing again and next thing he moves inside me and we have sex. A few minutes later he pulled out and ejaculated on to my stomach, this is when I then realise he hadn't went and got a condom after all. For whatever reason I did not say anything to him at the time , probably due to having. A few drinks but I know I should have. But now I am left feeling angry. My question is though is this my fault for not double checking when he entered me? I feel so worried I could be pregnant but I'm not sure who's fault this all is , mine or his. I'm not sure what to think. I feel disrespected. The next morning he attempted to have sex with me again without one but I said no. He replied it's ok I pulled out last night in plenty time and said he would do that again to which said no.any advice would be greatly appreciated. What would you do I. This situation? Am I at fault here or him? Thank you guys

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@Justlittleoldme,

You're not at fault. I'm trying to figure out how you could be. He said "yeah we can use a condom" and then entered you without getting one.

Where is his lie and risky behavior your fault?

Oh, and you might want to tell Romeo that withdrawal is not such a great method of birth control. It's also not a great method of preventing disease transmission. See:
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/pulling-out-safe

1 Reply

You are not at fault here. He is.

1. Just because he whipped it out and came on your stomach (what a charmer!) doesn't mean you couldn't get pregnant. Sperms can leak out before the orgasm. They are present most of the time. Either he is stupid or, more likely, he is treating you like he thinks you are stupid. That makes him a douchebag one time.

2. He doesn't listen to what you say and uses deceit to fool you into thinking he has a condom, exploiting your trust. That makes him a douchebag twice.

3. He doesn't think that what you want is important, and thinks he has the right to **** you bareback if that's what he wants. That makes him a douchebag three times.

4. If he is such a douchebag you don't know who else he could be ******* (and doing it bareback too!). He could be giving you a nice collection of STDs to show to the nice nurse at the clinic.

5. You need to dump this dweeb. Don't let him **** you any more in the meantime.

6. What he did could be classed as rape or sexual assault in many places. You may see people come on here arguing about that, but it's true.

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Thank you for your replies. We have been seeing each other exclusively and he has said he is completely committed to me. When I asked to speak to him about it he apologised and said he was deeply sorry, and said that he knows the risks and that he should have got a condom sooner but it was because we had a few drinks and he got caught up in the moment and was enjoying himself and wanted to please me.
Do you think this is a good enough excuse? I still feel disrespected and that he put me at risk especially because he says he knew the risks.

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@Justlittleoldme,

Justlittleoldme wrote:

he was deeply sorry, and said that he knows the risks and that he should have got a condom sooner but it was because we had a few drinks and he got caught up in the moment and was enjoying himself and wanted to please me.

I think this is all bullshit.

1 Reply

@centrox,

I guess you are right. He is 36 and I am 30. I just can't get my head around the fact that he has always treated me so well and maintained he is falling for me etc but then would put me at risk like this.

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@jespah,

I feel that I am at fault because I failed to double check after a few drinks that he was wearing one. But I didn't expect after voicing that we needed to wear one that he would still think he could stick it in without one.

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@Justlittleoldme,

Quote:

The next morning he attempted to have sex with me again without one but I said no. He replied it's ok I pulled out last night in plenty time and said he would do that again

Dating is so hard isn't it? No matter what age.

He wasn't "tipsy" enough I mean he totally remembered what he did, not only that, wanted to do the same thing again, sober, not only that, dis-regarded your wishes and did what "he" wanted to do.

Then to top it off, he decided he'd do what "he" wanted to do again, without a thought of what you preferred.

I would call that disrespectful.

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@Justlittleoldme,

Justlittleoldme wrote:

I feel that I am at fault because I failed to double check after a few drinks that he was wearing one.

You should not have to 'check' that he isn't lying.

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He did seem genuinely sorry and said that he would never ever disrespect me and never has. I'm not sure though because I feel sort of taken advantage of.
I am not sure how to feel. I feel angry but like it is partly my fault. It feels sort of like he did what felt good to him but with no regard for the implications it would have for me. Yet he said 'I was caught in the heat of the moment and enjoying myself and knew I wanted to be inside you and please you, that's all it was' like he was trying to convince me there was no other shady motive, yet I feel like this excuse is bad enough without any other motive!

I am not sure what to do now with regards to him.

After I have sorted out the risk of pregnancy that is 😡

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The rest of us are sure.

Among other matters, you keep trying to grab it being your fault. NO.

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@Justlittleoldme,

Justlittleoldme wrote:

We have been seeing each other exclusively

how many years have you been sexually exclusive? oh - months. that is not nearly sufficient time to take the risk of going bareback.

he totally disrespected you.

and that he wanted to do it again. he'd have been on the street without his clothes if he'd suggested that to me.

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@ossobucotemp,

My friend had said that I was to blame aswell for not realising that he hadn't put a condom on , that this was just a drunken mistake and that he's a nice guy and wouldn't do anything to hurt me and I shouldn't be pissed at him. I tried to explain to her that I had voiced the fact that i wanted im to wear a condom and regardless of my bad judgement surely he shouldn't have still tried to go at it bareback.
I feel now like I am overreacting ?

1 Reply

@Justlittleoldme,

You are not over reacting and you have been told this repeatedly. At the end of the day it's your life.

0 Replies

@Justlittleoldme,

He's only sorry he got caught and you are mad. This sort of thing is totally disrespectful and a sign of how he will continue to treat you when he's not getting his way.

0 Replies

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