Feeling left behind and isolated, 'friends' seem unsupportive...

Forums:
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I'm 28 years old and I've been single for 2 years (if it counts for anything).

So recently I got a new job and everything has been going great, got a promotion etc and I love my job, I don't mind working long hours (I'm also self employed so if I don't work I don't get paid).

I'm feeling slightly left out with all my friends, they are all getting married, buying houses, having babies etc and I'm sort of back on the party scene, if you will.

Lately they seem to be giving me a lot of grief about not seeing them or making time for them, which I find really pot, kettle black as they make plans with each other during the week when I'm not free yet come the weekend they all spend time with their partners and I'm sort of left sitting by myself.

I'm not going to lie, I do get upset being single and spending time around 4 happy couples, it bittersweet and I do get jealous that I can't find anyone to be in a relationship with.

We had a bbq 2 weeks ago and the whole time I was there I was subjected to snide remarks and comments about not getting to see me, me not making time or Zoe must be the only one you make an effort with... I just can't understand were they are coming from when they never seem to make time to see me?

I feel like they don't seem to get that I'm on another plan to them, ie no boyfriend, no kids, no house etc.... yet I'm being penalized for not making time for them when ever time I try to I get hit with no one being free. Or the previous week I was messaging our group of friends and 2 out of the 3 had decided to meet up and not invite me, even though they knew I wasn't doing anything which really hurt. I asked them out right why didn't they invite me round and the excuse was 'it was all very last minute'.

I really feel at a loss here with what to do about my apparent 'friends' being shitty friends. I know I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be, but how do i deal with people that seem to have one rule for them and one rule for me? Do i tell them to knock it on the head with the remarks? Call them out? Phase them out? I've been friends with these people since primary school, secondary school or college... I feel like I'm treated differently amongst them and I can feel tension in the group when we are all together but I can't honestly think as to why I'm being treated like this?

I appreciate that there is obviously other factors to this story, but all help with be appreciated and I can answer any other questions if you feel I've left something out.

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 241 • Replies: 4

[+3] - jespah - 07/23/2017Maybe it does. I would add, too, that if they are somehow upset that you didn't validate their life choices, then that is silly on their parts. Not everyone is going to step in line and worship the...

@ali00447493,

Well, they kinda sound like jerks.

But maybe I'm wrong - I don't know anything about them beyond what you've mentioned.

However, the other thing is, people's lives change when they become couples and when they become parents. And they don't always realize the implications of that. I have had single friends ask me about - hey, let's get dinner - and I've asked them, can my husband tag along (we don't have any kids)? They aren't always so enthusiastic about saying yes. I try to be sensitive to this and suggest a second get-together where it's just us. But I will admit I don't always pick up on this, and I'm not even newly married. I ask if my husband can come along not because I don't want to have an intimate conversation or that we're joined at the hip - it's more that I bet my friend would like my husband, too. That's the motivation there (at least it is for me); it's nothing sinister. Smile

Another thing with parents, particularly new parents, is that their children are a huge part of their life and of the conversation. It's not just doting (Oh my God he gurgled something that sounded like the Gettysburg Address and he's only a month old!). It's more like - this is how they spend their time now. If something was taking up 75 - 95% or more of your time, it would probably be your main topic of conversation as well.

I, too, am self-employed and work from home, and it can be a struggle to have a semi-social life. A lot of our social lives also revolve around work. So instead of trying to get the gang together, or trying to go to a club (new parents will be too tired, and newlyweds won't want to go without their spouses), try something more one on one and low key.

Are there museums in your area that you've never gone to? Waterfront or beach? A neat new restaurant?

Think differently. They have changed and, by definition, their relationship with you will change, too. I know you didn't sign on for this, but this is the way of the world. You can either adapt your going out/socializing style to the group (because you are in the minority now, and you are not going to change their new culture all by yourself), or cultivate new pals.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Honestly, I feel like they are being jerks.

Maybe I've done something that they don't like or not reacted to baby news or house news etc in an as excited way as they probably wanted, but unless they tell me I can't understand why they feel the need to make remarks.

I've no objections with hanging out with partners and kids, so maybe I'll try suggesting something that involves them too. They do make an effort to leave the kids at home to hang out and I don't mind that either, I would just like to be included in those plans or wish they would appreciate that week nights aren't good for me.

I really appreciate your reply, I totally get what you mean about people's live etc changing when they have kids and that becomes their new focus, I just feel like they expect me to go along with it or something, or now that they all have houses or kids or husbands I'm the odd one out and don't have as much in common anymore.

I do have an other friend who's about to get married and we make effort with eachother, even if it's just to chat every day, I don't feel like my friendship with my long term friends of over 17 years is as strong this one of only 8 years. She just seems to get me more then my other friends or something, I can confide anything in her and I know she won't judge me, whereas with my other friends they like to have a good laugh, judgement or make sure you know how much you screwed up with something and then will try to help you out.

I honestly think that if I stopped chatting in our whatsapp group chat that they wouldn't bother to speak to me again... After the 'last minute' hang out between some of my friends I didn't speak in the chat for about 5/6 days (childish I know) but not one of them messaged me to ask if I was ok. Maybe that speaks for itself?

1 Reply

@ali00447493,

Maybe it does. I would add, too, that if they are somehow upset that you didn't validate their life choices, then that is silly on their parts. Not everyone is going to step in line and worship the almighty baby or wedding. A lot of people will be polite and even happy but not completely gaga and that's normal. If they are expecting full-on enthusiasm all the time then the universe is going to sorely disappoint them.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thanks for everything, I'm not one to chase after people. If I make an effort and it doesn't go anywhere then I stop eventually. If people want to see me or talk to me, they'll make the effort to speak to me. But I shouldn't be made to feel bad about things that maybe aren't on my path/journey just yet. It's a personal choice.

0 Replies

Forums
» Feeling left behind and isolated, 'friends' seem unsupportive...

Read Question
Reply to All

Feeling left behind and isolated, 'friends' seem unsupportive...

Quick Links

My Account

able2know