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I am ashamed of myself how to gain self esteem and respect back

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ashamedineedhelp
 
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 05:13 am
Hello everybody,

I want solutions from men or women who past through the same hardship.
I need your help please.
How to recover from falling hard in self esteem and gain respect for myself and from others ?

I am 26 years old girl and I had a perfect reputation (i wasn’t aware of that before it was gone): never had boyfriends, never dated never went to a party, never did anything bad actually not even smoking or even saying curse words. I work with disabled children and i am shy.

I felt extremely lonely and sad to not have anybody with me while all the girls around already had babies etc… I thought it was because i wasn’t attractive (which is not the case but i didn't realize it), people thought i was strange because i was never with a boyfriend so i started to become self concious about that, they treated me like a freak.

So i made the biggest mistake of my life : my sister forced me to date one of her friend who just broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years which was not very nice from her 😦 she lied to me telling me he loved me etc… and me out of desperation i believed her. i never went to a date and was lost.

And i basically sold myself to him before even he showed a sign of wanting to be with me i was so desperate i tried all the bad ways to impress HIM (i feel so bad) i didn’t know how to be with him as i didn't have any experience with men and it never happened to me. I tried to read on internet what to do and that was a BIG mistake !! i dressed slutty, i even sent nudes pics i talked about sex i even invented past relationships i never had because i was afraid he will mock my inexperience. And believe me or not i even forced him to take my virginity in his car (i want to kill myself) because i thought he will see i am a good girl since he then knew i was virgin(!) but interested in sex so promising him a good time if he marries me (i’m crying while writing), i was afraid he would think i am frigid. He took it and dumped me the next day.

I feel so bad i didn't want him to think i was inexperience i was afraid he would laugh at me, so i wanted to act as if i was experimented to not feel ashamed of my virginity.

Now he said about it to everybody in the city even my family, everybody laugh at me i walk with shame and want to kill myself everyday 😦

I wasn’t aware of my very good reputation before i thought everybody mocked my inexperience, but then they said why did you do that ? you could have married anybody ! now they just think i am a whore it makes me suicidal.
I even quit my job because of shame.

How to recover from that and make them see that i am not like that and will i find a husband even if he knows that ? NOBODY respect me even my own family and talk very bad in a harsh tone to me.
I am bullied badly I don't know how to face my bullies and how to face him.

I don't understand why a lot of girls did far worse with far more people but people think it's worse for me than for them Sad

i can't forgive myself and cry everyday.

i deeply regret and feel i don't deserve to have any man in the future, i feel worthless. I am scared if i find a husband he will think i am trash and not marry me.

Help me please.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 497 • Replies: 2

 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 07:10 am
@ashamedineedhelp,
I am an American man, and I can give my hopefully helpful opinion. I realize that there may be cultural differences... but I hope I can help.

First of all, you say "I am scared if i find a husband he will think i am trash and not marry me". I want to assure you that this is simply untrue. When I meet a woman past college age (22), I assume that she has already had sex. A man who will think you are trash isn't worth marrying. Sex is a part of life, and people have sex all the time. In reality it is rather unlikely that someone (either man or woman) over 25 will be a virgin.

I am sorry that your ex-boyfriend was a jerk. I don't know what to say about that. Hopefully you can see this as something in the past.I am also sorry that what happened to you is public. Really, it is nobody's business. It isn't your family's or your jobs. This should have been something private.

I don't see any reason that you should be ashamed. I don't think you did anything wrong. You dated a jerk (which was a mistake, but not a sin). I think your experience is shared by many people.

Any man worth marrying won't think twice about the fact you had sex.

I am a middle aged American man. We have all had at least a couple long-term meaningful sexual relationships (including a marriage for me). Any woman I meet has had the same.

I care if a woman is intelligent, and thoughtful and fun to be with. I don't care at all about her past. Hopefully this is little reassuring.
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jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 08:31 am
@ashamedineedhelp,
He is an awful person. Even if everyone believes everything he says about you (highly unlikely), he is still talking about private things in public. I think most people are smart enough to realize that's a problem right there. And it should call into question his motivation for blabbing about you all over town.

Be that as it may - consider your friends. Not the green grocer, not some person on the bus or the like, but your actual friends. How do they see you? That matters a lot more than the opinion of the tailor or the waiter in a restaurant. And if they are no longer your friends because of this, then they weren't terribly good friends to begin with.

And consider your family. I mean your close family and not the extended. How do they see you? They have known you a lot longer than your ex ever did. Surely they know you are a good person.

I know cultures differ and I don't pretend that it can't be a problem in many parts of the world. So consider how you can change your life. You are 26 years old. Do you have a college education? Then maybe see if you can go elsewhere to work. And if you don't, maybe see if you can go away to school. Even if it's just a few km away, it could make a big difference for not only how you are seen by other people, but in how you see yourself.

Finally, I would also encourage you to seek medical help. I know there are cultures which really look down on getting counseling. If you cannot get counseling, you can still talk to your doctor, yes? At least if you unburden yourself, you may feel better.

I wish you well.
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