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Wed 12 Jul, 2017 09:19 am
Hello, i am having a lot of issues and discomfort on this one.
I have been in this relationship for almost 2 years. From the get go, my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a parent in the future. I told her i wasnt ready for children and that i didnt want any. Still, we continued dating, we moved together and we are going strong. She, jokingly at times, somewhat serious at other moments, kept telling me her best friend agreed to do artificial insemination with her so they could be parents. I always told her i didnt like that idea. For once, i wasnt ready for kids, second, if i were those werent the terms. A few months ago, i told her i had come to terms with the fact that if i wanted to be in her life i had to agree to have a family with her. She then mention again her best friend and i told her that the condition for us to have a family was to have an unknown donor.
See, this guy is a wonderful human being. He is a great friend, hard worker, good son, yet he is dominant up to an extent. He is awesome in many ways, yet i dont seem to be able to wrap my mind about the co parenting. I would like for our sperm donor to remain annonymus, for our kid to have our last names and not anyone elses, for our kids to be raised by us and be a family.
My girlfriend thinks the child deserves to know where he comes from and that her friend is a great choice. He will be completely involved. He will give his last name, cut the cord, name the child and have him/her as much as he would like. Truth is, i dont want that. I never dated a woman with kids because i didnt want to deal with a dad. Why would i willingly choose to have a paternal figure in my family? Why would i have to consult my family desitions with someone else? Why would i want my kid to have another last name than ours?
My girl wont talk the subject with me without getting mad, she talks to him about it though. Now he wants to talk to me about the subject. And every time we hang out or even in family reunions, he says "when we have our child" to everyone. I think they are forcing me to accept something i do not want.
I know i sound selfish, but am i selfish for wanting to have a family with my girlfriend and just with her?
@AleeMyst,
I don't think you're being selfish.
I also don't think she's thought everything through, because what happens if any of these relationships go sour? Then guess what? The courts get involved and start talking about who has parental rights and who gets visitation and who has to pay child support.
Working with an anonymous donor means that man signs his parental rights away as a part of the package (and make sure of this if you do go - don't leave this to chance for your own peace of mind). This pal is not signing his parental rights away so you have got what would be, essentially, a three-part parenting scheme.
Not to say that these cannot work, but this is something you do not want. A tripartite parenting scheme has got to be done with everyone with open eyes, clearly and unambiguously on board. You aren't.
@AleeMyst,
AleeMyst wrote: am i selfish for wanting to have a family with my girlfriend and just with her?
I think the question isn't whether you are selfish but whether you are being realistic.
Your girlfriend's best male friend will likely be part of her life forever. Her family will be part of your lives. Whether or not this particular guy is the sperm donor, he will be part of the child's life as a result of being the child's mom's best male friend.
The more love a child gets, the more sources of love there are, the better.
Think about the child's needs - not yours.
___
Get some counselling around this - on your own and with your girlfriend.
@AleeMyst,
and yanno- she wants to be a parent, he wants to be a parent. you have agreed, seemingly grudgingly and with conditions , to be a parent.
Perhaps it's best they go ahead without your involvement.
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