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Fri 19 May, 2017 03:34 am
I need help. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie.
Since day 1, my now-husband has maintained that he was not only active military, but that he was also special forces. An Army Ranger to be exact. I’m not the only one made to believe this. All of our friends have been told the same exact thing. This didn’t start when we got together, this lie had been going on for a couple of years before I came into the picture. I just recently found out that not only was he not ever active military, he didn’t even finish basic training. I am hurt. I feel betrayed, confused, lost, and angry.
I love him so very much. We have a 10 month old daughter together, and everyone always looked at us as the couple to be, but now I don’t know what to think. He lied about the military, lied about being given a full scholarship to play baseball in college (which he says he declined to join the military), lied about having all sorts of MMA training.. the list goes on.
When confronted about it, he didn’t deny or lie any more. He immediately apologized and said that he has wanted to tell me for a long time but couldn’t ever figure out how to start the conversation which I think is a total crap excuse.
I am either incredibly stupid or incredibly in love, but I think I may be willing to work this out. I don’t know. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know how to not think he’s lying to me every time he opens his mouth. I don’t know anything at this point so any and all input is welcome. Thank you all in advance.. Just hoping someone can give me some clarity.
I've never understood why some people pretend to have served in the military when they never did. And I do understand why soldiers who have sacrificed would object to such untrue claims.
But ultimately, if you love him, what does it matter whether or not he served in the military? He's still the same person that you fell in love with.
I suppose it is always bad to base a relationship on falsehoods. But I just can't see why it would matter to the relationship if he was in the military or not.
I suspect that it must be horribly embarrassing for him to have been caught in such a lie.
@oralloy,
Well yes, but with that for history, how will she ever believe the next thing he says. We can write off the past; we can't predict the future.
@Harperlynn22,
Consider doing an "amnesty day" where he has one day to tell you the truth about everything.....he says that he wants to tell you the truth, put that to the test. Dont push too hard for explanations, he probably has none, but do explain to him that you expect honesty.
Then watch. If he keeps lying maybe you cut him loose. I have been married 30+ years to one of the great liars, and while she has gotten much better it is a hard way to live.
@roger,
This is a Dr. Phil episode (not that you are not telling the truth) - but maybe you can get something from it.
http://www.drphil.com/shows/1989/
But I agree - it isn't that he lied about being in the military or getting a baseball scholarship (I don't think this woman cares that he wasn't in the military) - it is the fact that he lied to her about this.
Especially as it shouldn't matter to her. I would definitely be worried there are other lies in his past.
@Harperlynn22,
Is it possible to arrange for counselling for both of you - as individuals and as a couple? it seems like you both need help with this.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
This is a Dr. Phil episode (not that you are not telling the truth) - but maybe you can get something from it.
Whatever you think I wrote, I assure you I was not lying.
@Harperlynn22,
Move to a new place where no one knows about his lies. Start over. There was a guy here in my small social gathering who pretended to be a judge, ex-military, a pilot, and some other stuff. Most of the guys shrugged it off casually as who cares. Then he got arrested for a crime and all the truth about him came out in the papers. Shame. He and his wife have disappeared.
@roger,
roger wrote:Whatever you think I wrote, I assure you I was not lying.
I think Linkat probably meant those words to be directed at the person with the lying husband.
Probably replied to your post because of your line "how will she ever believe the next thing he says". The Dr. Phil episode is probably about couples who are experiencing such trust issues.
At least that is how I took it.
@hawkeye10,
Also married to a great liar. It sucks. I often find myself not paying attention to most of her stories because the alternative is to actively seeking out the truth (which becomes exhausting, I don't want to be a private investigator for a side job) or take it as truth and, generally, find it otherwise later. If it weren't for kids and finances I'd be gone, with the kids, for sure.
@tibbleinparadise,
Is this you, tibble? if so I'm sympathetic re the problem..
I married a non liar, over years and years, and then...
@ossobucotemp,
anyway, in my case, conversation happened and many more years went on.
@oralloy,
Correct you are wise beyond your years.
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