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Recently broke up w/ GF of 5 years after catching her sending nudes. Should I stay or go?

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Newton1
 
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 08:39 am
I was with my girlfriend for 5 years. We lived together for pretty much the entire time. We did everything and spent 24/7 together. We had some communication and trust issues. But one of the biggest problems in our relationship was her lack of intimacy. She never would initiate sex or always made it seem like it was chore. This trickled down to other areas in our relationship and I did a very poor job of communicating my frustrations with her and would usually end in a full blown argument. We broke up in the end of February b/c I seen her sexting some guy and sending a nude picture of her breasts. The topic of their conversation was so weird though in that she was describing what she like to do to me sexually very graphically. I was devastated b/c I never saw this side of her and she was opening up to someone else sexually when there would be times we would only have sex once a month. Since we broke up I've contacted her everyday saying how much I love her and miss her and want her to come back home. She was telling me she needs time and space and whats meant to be will be. She also said she has changed and it will take a long time to build back trust again if ever. She has basically ignored me and brought up factors of our relationship that were unhealthy before the sexting incident. My thought were she was willing to stay and fight through our other issues but after this sexting issue she has pulled away and I barely talk to her anymore. I seen her this weekend and I've seen that she is still texting this guy. Once I seen that I haven't contacted her anymore. She text me that it was just about work and when I said I don't believe her she said "Ok whatever you say". Her friend messaged me last night and said she loves you and would never cheat on you and that I should give her a break and time. Please help me in that if you think our relationship is a lost cause or if I should keep fighting for her?
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 355 • Replies: 8

 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 08:51 am
@Newton1,
She told you she needed space. You ignored that and texted her every day.

So give her some space. In the meantime, live your life and, yes, that means hanging around with friends who can absolutely include female friends.

As for what her friends say, that is ultra-middle school. Cut it out. Don't use go-betweens, and don't accept it if she does so. You are adults and should be able to talk directly to each other.

Finally, during this break time, seriously consider whether you want to keep hanging around. To my mind, this sounds like a waste of time with someone who's not fully committed to you. But you make the call, as it's your life and not mine.
Newton1
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 09:05 am
@jespah,
Hey thanks a lot buddy. You're right she told me she needed time and space and I felt like I pushed her even further away by texting her everyday and saying how much I love her and miss her. She has opened up to me in that saying she didn't always feel like I loved her so me fighting for her these past two months apart means something to her but also said "It's too bad I didn't do it sooner". But other than that she usually never responds about us getting back together and will make small talk about other aspects of our lives. Since, I seen that she still texting this guy I haven't text her and don't plan to. I figure if she was talking to him behind my back while we together and he was essentially the reason we broke up and her for to still be talking to him two months later while blowing me off the entire time I think she has moved on. It just hurts like hell b/c I wanted to marry her and have a family and 5 years is hard to let go.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 02:09 pm
@Newton1,
You should read up on the Sunk Cost Fallacy: https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/
roger
 
  3  
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 03:12 pm
@jespah,
Great link.
0 Replies
 
Newton1
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 May, 2017 05:33 am
@jespah,
Hey thanks a lot! That was a great article and very relevant to my current situation. I don't want to give up on the 5 years I invested in the relationship but at this point it is the sunk cost fallacy. I know its time to move on and start fresh but I guess its easier said than done. With that said, I haven't contacted her in three days and I guess that's a start. I don't plan on contacting her anymore. I just imagine this whole time I've been texting her everyday for the last two months trying to get her back and most of her responses have been clear indicators that she's just trying to keep me around as a Plan B. I have sort of lost respect for her and even meeting up with her this weekend I thought to myself why am I so fascinated w/ her? Especially when she told me she started messaging an old friend from high school on Facebook who just got of jail for armed robberies and she thought it was so cool that his charges were on the internet. It was def a turn off and made me realize I can do better and even though we were together for 5 years people change and that's just part of life. Time to put my big boy pants on and stop being a pussy about it.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 10 May, 2017 06:15 am
@Newton1,
Fill your life with other things - work, school, the gym, volunteering, hell - make tea cozies for all anyone cares. In short, occupy your time and you will think about her a lot less and have far fewer opportunities to break down and contact her.

Blocking her is really the best way to truly seal the deal.
TomTomBinks
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 May, 2017 06:51 am
@jespah,
Quote:
You should read up on the Sunk Cost Fallacy:


Everyone should read this!
0 Replies
 
Newton1
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 May, 2017 06:52 am
@jespah,
Yeah I still think about her a lot but I resist the urge to contact her now. I kinda broke it down to if I was important to her she would've made the time or shown effort that she wanted to work it out but she's done neither in this two months apart. I know she wanted space but she ultimately was the one who hurt me so she's been playing the victim card and I fell right into it. I'm just embarrassed that I text her everyday for two months and she was still texting this guy. Can't believe I was that naïve to think that after sending nudes and having explicit sexual convos that she would stop contacting him. That was kind of the deal breaker for me. As much as I love her it'd becoming more clear that she's not the one and if she truly loved me she wouldn't have did that for me or at lease been remorseful not continuing talking to this guy and lying to me saying "It was about work." I can't be with someone that I can't trust. But you're right I'm going to join a boxing class and get to the gym more. I work 7-3 Mon-Fri but looking to pick up a part time and just stay busy as possible. I mean I kinda just opened my eyes and feel like I shouldn't have to force anything and I'd rather be chosen than chase. Appreciate your responses though and def that article. Means a lot!
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