Saw inappropriate texting between boy_girl middle schoolers

My 8th grader has a crush on a boy she met through his best friend. We have only met this boy a couple of times and do not know his family. His best friend is a boy my daughter has known she preschool (we also have known his family for at least this long). We also found out that the parents of the boy we know does not like the best friend. We have talked with her that he can come over only if a parent is around. She also can not date (as in go out alone with a boy) until she is 16. She can be friends and go out as long as it is with a group of friends. She was ok with this and understood.

Last night, trying to minimize using electronic use, she gave me her phone as I told her I didn’t want it in her room at night. I know her password, but we have a sort of agreement that I respect her privacy. Nothing about directly not reading emails. I was worried a little about this boy because he was going to come over with his friend and last minute she didn’t hear back from him. She told me generally things they have discussed but not specifics. So I read her texts with him and I was shocked.

Although her general description of what they talked about was correct the words used shocked me. It seems to have increased in inappropriateness as they progressed. He doesn’t like girls in his town, they are all sl*ts. He talks of naked pictures girls send and boys sending pictures of their dicks, talks of girls going down on boys and so forth. He even included a picture of a girl with just her bra and panties. Then my daughter is using the f- word in his talks to him. On the positive side – they both seem to disapprove of this type of behaviour and it seems they are both complaining about kids acting in this way.

I glanced through some of her other texts to friends, including this boy that is his best friend. Nothing at all even close. All nice appropriate languge and talk I would expect. I have not told my husband – he would absolutedly flip out and I know he would not handle in a way that would work.

As I found out after she went to bed and was going to school this morning, I haven't spoken to her about it yet. I know I need to talk with her on this, but how to balance the privacy vs. inappropriateness. Obviously this boy is not a good influence as there is no language and so forth even close with any other correspondance.

Yes it is difficult. I got a hunch so I looked. It is tough where does safety trump privacy.

I was also thinking just having a discussion about internet safety for example whatever you post can be copied and sent to the world so you don't want to say or post anything that you don't want your grandmom to see.

And or I could talk about boys seeing she has brought up this boy to me about liking him and so forth. Sort of how boys can be and how you want them to respect you and talk with you in a respectful wsy.


She actually talked me generally about texting this dude and how nice he is because they have talked about how the girls are in his town and how he doesn't like them because they are inappropriate. Not the direct rude way in which it was talked about.

There is one trick you could pull. You ask her if you can see they text messages between your daughter and this boy.