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Sat 22 Apr, 2017 01:06 pm
Ok... Today I somewhat came out (didn't actually use the word "gay", but dropped enough hints) after a pretty awkward conversation with my (relgious) dad in the car.
To start, I am a recent college graduate, a 23-year-old substitute teacher, and I am trying to make enough money to move out of my parents' house. I grew up in a very conservative home, going to church every Sunday and sometimes on Wednesdays. I honestly have tried to make religion work for me, but it never was my thing (even when I was younger, I felt silly going to church)..
In college, I fell for a few close (straight) girl friends when they started acting "flirty" with me (wanting to hold my hand, sending long overly-sentimental texts, etc.). At the time, I was going through one of my "religious spells", going to bible studies, praying, going to church, etc. in attempt to win my parent's approval and avoid suspicion of what I was really feeling deep down. In other words, I tried to hide these feelings, which only made them stronger. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing when I called my mom and "confessed" my attraction to my close friend. Though I was raised in a conservative upbringing and heard plenty of horrific coming out stories, I NEVER thought I would be THAT PERSON to have a parent flip out and play mind games with me if I told them what I was struggling with. I was wrong. My mom went crazy, telling me I need counseling and to stay away from my friend that I felt attracted to. The next morning she called super early (making sure to call before I met up with anyone at class), and said to NEVER speak of these feelings with ANYONE. Those words cut me deeper than she'll ever know. I actually had already texted my friend that I had feelings for the same night, trying to explain why I wasn't hanging out with her anymore (she deserved the truth, and I thought it was the right thing to do), and she told me that "she's known for a while". I asked to call her since texting didn't seem like a good. She also acted weird around me after that, and I knew that everything we shared was gone. It felt like I lost the support of my mom and my best friend in one night. That's another story for another time.
4 years have passed since then, and my mom has never brought it up since. She pretends I'm straight. She says things like, "Hey there's a man for you," whenever there's a cute guy on tv... That hurts, and sometimes, I hate myself for actually playing along with these types of gestures. In attempt to get her to stop, I sometimes say that I'm asexual (this sexuality doesn't seem to bother her).
I remember during the experience on the phone with my mom, she said she would never tell my dad what I told her. Again, not sure if this is an important detail, but I never used the "gay" word --I only said that I am attracted to my friend that is a girl. Since she pretended it never happened, I always assumed that she was in denial herself of my feelings. "Because of this, she did not and will not tell my dad," I kept saying to myself.
But today, after the conversation in the car, I am not so sure. Either she told him, or maybe he figured it out himself (not to be stereotypical, but I've never been the "girly" type). It's so confusing. The reason I think he knows is because he said, "Let's just say I know more than you think" after I told him I need to move out because I'm "different" and "don't feel safe living here". He then steered the conversation to "Why do you not believe in God? When did this start?" I said I don't wanna talk about it and he proceeded to scream bible verses and so-called "scientific evidence" at me as I covered my ears (was not about to engage in a debate, I was already drained enough in my attempt to come out).
I know anyone reading this can't tell exactly what he knows since you weren't there to see it/ don't know my life, but by this info, do you think he knows and, like my mom, is in denial? Should I avoid talking about it any further? Any advice would be very helpful!!!
Please don't drop hints. Just come out and say that you're gay. Don't make your family interpret signs and wonders.
@jespah,
I would if I knew 100% that I would be safe doing so or that they would be supportive. To be honest, I did not even plan to say as much as I did today. The conversation with my dad completely drained me. It is a scary situation. I am in a small town in the south, which also complicates things.
Thanks for the advice! Very much appreciated!
@noname34,
Totally understandable - but recognize (I hope) your parents love you and sometimes even the strictest parents will set that aside for their child.
@jespah,
I really hope that's the case, and that some day (after moving out) I will be able to fully explain it to them. Thanks again! :-)
@noname34,
You will know when it's the right time. That is, the right time for you to come out and tell him, you'll just know inside yourself.. He may react far better than you fear.
From a personal standpoint, I took forever (it seemed) to tell my mother. She was a rigid, religious sort with odd views. It didn't go well initially; but, over a short time she came to accept me as I am.
@Sturgis,
Thank you so much for the encouragement, and I'm happy to hear your experience was a success over time! Sometimes I get so close to spilling everything, but it's almost like I can only say bits at a time before freezing up. I don't feel this is the right time anyways. I need to focus more on supporting myself before bringing it up again.
Still, sometimes it's hard to keep it in when the panic attacks hit out of nowhere, and I feel the need to speak up (part of the reason I found this forum today). I haven't told any of my real life friends because I don't want it getting back to my family.
My older brother had a book laying on the table the other day that had rainbow-colored prison chains. I don't remember the title, but it was a religious book that was against homosexuality (the title had something to do with sexual freedom violating freedom in general, which I didn't get). Things like this really freak me out. My family is homophobic to the extreme, which is why I am 23 and still not sure I will ever "fully" come out. Idk, we'll see what happens in the next 10 years..
Thanks for listening! I hope my story will work out like yours.
@noname34,
I think you will come out, some time after you will move out.
I'm from a kind of opposite situation, but being so, I empathize. I'm a straight woman who was in love with a guy; he's still a good guy, assuming he is still alive, since we are old now. I remember him trying to tell me, on a beach walk a long time ago. He gave up, I was really too dense. This was around '71..
He, a doctor, moved to the San Francisco area. Some years later, I figured it out, click. I wrote him, we talked. Next time I was up there with my husband, we met and talked (husband leaving us to talk for a few hours). And then we've corresponded for years, until my latest computer situation.
Try not to panic. Appreciate yourself.
@noname34,
Is there any chance you will be able to find employment in a larger, more accepting, community?
I honestly don't know if you can reasonably expect your parents/brother to come around on this. It is still the case that some people are not able to accept their loved ones as gay, no matter how much they love them. I believe the majority do - but not all - and your location does make things more difficult.
Are you able to connect with online LGBTQ communities? was there a gay/straight alliance in your college? if so, check to see if they have an alumnae group - you need support with this.
@ehBeth,
Looking into the employment part. I would love to move to another state, but not sure at the moment which one would work best for me(I am extremely picky on big decisions). The tricky part is, I really love country settings, but that seems to be where the most homophones are..
It is a possibility that I will move away from my family, but I do hate that because I still love my family even if they never fully accept me for who I am.
The college I went to did have support groups, but I did not take part in any. It's too risky. I have so many relatives on social media and people from my hometown that go to that college that knowing my luck, word would get around pretty quickly. I may join one if I ever move away though.
Thanks for the thoughtful advice! Much appreciated!
@ossobucotemp,
Maybe so, in time. In a weird way, I am still questioning my sexuality (long story for another time). That's why I despise labeling myself, and maybe that's the reason I can't seem to use the "gay" word just yet (the closest description I've come across is a homo-romantic demi/ asexual but that's too long to say..)
Wow, that is quite the scenario. That is good to hear you got to talk to him a final time. It's strange how clear things become as time moves on.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I definitely needed them, and I appreciate it!
I think you need to get away from your rigid environment (parents and siblings and community) and be in a safe place to find yourself.
Time to take your skills and move.
Then have some experiences with different people to find out who. You are being restrained right now ( and probably have been your entire life)
Get out and find your own way.
@noname34,
I first want to say I feel for you. What you are going through right now is incredibly challenging and you should be proud that you've managed to maintain a somewhat clear head and still have hope for your parents. Many would not. They would resent them much like my friend who has a very similar home situation but a very different personality. She deals with her parents' staunch homophobia by distancing herself. She spends as little time as she can with them. When she's not in school she spends her summers abroad. She is sure her parents will never change and so has made the judgment: the sooner she is financially able to sever contact the better.
And I think this is maybe something you should consider. Not necessarily severing all contact, but keeping your distance. It is clear your parents love you but don't accept you for the things you are. You not believing in God should affect and hurt them more but it doesn't because it's not as visible. You taking home a girlfriend feels much more real and permanent to them. That's something they don't even want to acknowledge.
Make them acknowledge it soon. You obviously don't make much as a substitute teacher so move to the closest urban area, find a place you can share with roommates, and commute. You need the independence right now, not just to get away from your parents but to figure out what you're feeling. Figure out who you are. A lot of the decisions you've made while near them have probably been influenced by them. Give yourself the time and space to make decisions more independent of them. Trust me, it will be freeing.
You must remember this is your parents' problem, not yours. You have the fortune of living during a time and in a country where you can be who you are even if your closest relations don't accept that.
So, figure that out and tell your parents the way you want to be. Write them a letter if it's too difficult to say aloud. They'll read it. If they don't acknowledge it, inquire about what you wrote. Whatever will make the coming out process easier for you. In your case, you're out. Now, it's more about showing you mean business. This is not a phase, right? Either they'll accept that or won't. After that happens, you need to make a decision. Is it worth your time to get them on your side? Should it be?
I personally think your parents will be the type who will continue taking an interest in your life after youve made yourself clear. It may seem like they despise what you are or resent your existence but as long as they're knocking at your door, I think that's something to be hopeful about. They want to change you but they don't want to forget you. You matter to them. If they never come round, then you have another decision to make. Would you rather have them in your life or not? And then proceed from there.
Sometimes the people we love or who love us aren't healthy to be around.
I really hope things work out for you. Have courage. You seem like a very considerate person. Try to consider yourself a bit more.
@noname34,
Supposedly, the best executives have a "tolerance for ambiguity." With that in mind, there's no reason to "come out," since it is not all about you, especially if you care for your parents' feelings.
If you think it is all about you, then that could be a symptom of what drives the mindset, since back in the 1950's there was a perception by some professionals that self-absorbtion (aka, narcissism) really drives homosexuality and the sex is just a by product of not making the switch from the focus one had during the prepubescent stage of maturation (being with one's same gender friends).
@perennialloner,
Wow, thank you so much for your response! I definitely need time to think things over, and I agree that I need to do so independently. For now, I am saving as much as I can.
Now that some time has passed since the conversation with my dad, I feel more at ease (but that may be because it was never brought up again.) I am noticing a pattern. There is a storm, then a calm, then another storm, and so on. This is certainly no way to live (too exhausting for me at least). Just hoping to save up enough money to move on with my life. I do love my parents, and honestly don't see myself having a significant other (just not ready for that yet), but I still feel that I shouldn't have to hide that part of myself much longer.
Hope that makes since. Thanks again for such a thoughtful response to my questions. I needed those words today.
@noname34,
Most of them worry about the children happiness, so it is your responsibility to make them understand that you are going to be happy. They would be in peace if they believe that you are going to be Ok.
@noname34,
I'm pretty certain your dad knows. Not because your mom told him. Maybe she did. But only by saying you have to move out bc you are different and your dad's experience, that did it.
He is pretending not to because he is in denial and he wants to believe until the last minute that you are not or can be "fixed".
I know this is very easy for me to say but if you can, you need to come out and be clear about who you are and stop using "hints".
My parents and brother stopped talking to me for years until one day they got in touch to tell me that this did not matter and they loved me all the same bla bla bla. I got away as soon as they wanted to "change me" (the day I came out). I told them they should be the ones that should get a shrink. I was 14 by the way.
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