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Is monogamy a fairytale?

 
 
Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 06:39 pm
So I've always thought that maybe monogamy wasn't possible but now I'm really starting to believe it. Especially after seeing all of these posts on here. Should I just give up my previous life long thoughts about monogamy?

I think I have these thoughts because as kids we are told that prince charming will marry the princess and they will be happily ever after. No one ever mentioned that prince charming or the princess would fall out of love or want someone else. My father cheated on my mother and I was the one who found out first. I was about 10 and he was an alcoholic and yes my mother is obese but she is a good person. My question is can two people really be true to each other for the rest of there lives? Is it possible?

You see those people who have been together for 50 year or 32 years and you never really hear of the cheating or struggles necessarily. I know I'm only 22 but thats why I want to know now. Could my husband possibly love me and be true to me till death do us part or is that just some made up fairytale?
 
McGentrix
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 06:42 pm
December 1995 on fourth date til this past Sunday. One really hot girl.

Yeah, I got that.
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 06:45 pm
@McGentrix,
....what?
0 Replies
 
McGentrix
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 06:50 pm
Monogamy, right? I met my mate in November 95 and have not been with nor desired another since. I can vouch for monogamy.

So, yes. It can happen for you too if you were made for each other. Key is to not be selfish, nor too giving, have your own life while sharing a common life, never go to bed angry (I was awake a whole week once...), and say "I love you" every day.
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 06:52 pm
@McGentrix,
Well thats really nice to here in this unmongamist (I made the word up) world. Any more advice for me. I'm a wife have been with my husband for 3 years. How do I keep him and keep him happy? We are best friends and get a long great but we are suffering because I can't trust and worry he might be cheating. I know I am to blame and need counseling.
McGentrix
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:03 pm
@lynncb123,
Quote:
I can't trust and worry he might be cheating.


This. This is why your marriage will be at risk. I trust my wife implicitly. I hope that she lives up to that trust. So far she has.

On the other side, I've not given my wife any reason to not trust me. Even when I was traveling weeks at a time, we'd talk every night and catch up on the day. If your husband is giving you reason's to not trust him, you have 3 options as I see it.

Approach him about it and tell him how you feel, then work out a solution.
See a therapist and deal with the trust issues you might be experiencing.
Ignore it all and live miserably until you end up separating.

I'd start with step 1...
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:07 pm
@McGentrix,
Thank you for you'r reply. He knows how I feel about me not trusting him but he says he believe that someday I will. I want/know I need to go get some counseling. He also wants to go to counseling with me because of my trust issues. I haven't caught him cheating but just some unexplained things have happened that made me think he really could be.
ossobucotemp
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:14 pm
@lynncb123,
I take it you have been insisting spouses should avoid having friends of the opposite sex - which thread I forget. To me and probably to others here, that is an isolationist viewpoint based on fear.

I could be sarcastic but will try not to.
You are welcome to that viewpoint you have, but that will leave you worrying through the rest of your marriage.

Keeping people in a cage re genders they can be friends with is not a great idea. Makes them want to get away, pronto, or maybe slowly.

McGentrix
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:16 pm
@lynncb123,
Ok, let me put on my shrink hat here.

Let's be clear though. I do not know you, I do not know anything about you so I could be way off base on anything I am going to say.

You appear to have a negative body image or low self-esteem. Because of that you may feel that you are not good enough for your husband and you are afraid of him leaving you. Because of that, you are afraid to allow yourself to get too close to your husband for fear of losing him. Because of that, you are trying to find any reason at all to have a wall built around your insecurity's. That is what you are doing by not trusting your husband and always finding a way to have a reason why he may leave you some day.
Like I said though, that is all just guess work based on what you've written and past experience.

ossobucotemp
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:18 pm
@McGentrix,
makes sense..
0 Replies
 
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:23 pm
@McGentrix,
You are right I don't feel super confident and I don't know exactly why. In high school I had guys flocking to me like I was honey but still never really felt super confident. Now I look very similar to my high school self (I'm only 22) Guys still pay me attention and women get jealous and I get asked to model too so I do that. Yet my confidence isn't high and never really has been. I know I need to work on my self worth and self confidence. You are also right I am putting a wall up because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt and I think I do that with just about everyone else. I tend to not let a lot of people in for fear that they will hurt me. I realize these things but you are helping me realize these things with more intensity so thank you very much.
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:29 pm
@ossobucotemp,
I think in a way I am maybe trying to isolate my husband and don't realize it. He kinda isolates himself too. I really think him and I are on the same page as far as males and female can't be "just friends". And that having an true friend of the opposite sex just seems inappropriate. I have always taken it that males and females can't be just friends and this is coming from a woman who once had more guy friends than girl friends in high school. I later realized they all wanted me and didn't want to be just friends. So I believe that males and females can't be just friends unless its like small talk every now and then. I see what you are saying and understand it so thank you for your viewpoint.
McGentrix
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:30 pm
@lynncb123,
Were I in your husband's shoes, I too would want to go to counseling with you or to encourage you seek out one yourself. The issues that you are here are small now, but will continue building upon themselves the longer you let them remain unchecked. Use the internet to find a good therapist near you. Look for reviews like "[shrink name] [your hometown] +reviews" or "therapist [your hometown] +depression +self esteem".
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:34 pm
@McGentrix,
I hope that counseling will be the thing that solves all of this. The problem is we live overseas in a foreign country so a shrink isn't really available its more of people through the base that you can talk to like a counselor or base chaplin. Either way hopefully they can help me. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it and will get some help.
ossobucotemp
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:44 pm
@lynncb123,
I'm an old woman, interesting life at least to myself.

Nothing but small talk? I think we have a chasm here; I've had many long talks with guys and learned a lot from them, as some of them were wise, smart, or off on wild goose chases, just like us women re ideas. I am guessing you were taught this fear of talking to men?
tibbleinparadise
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:45 pm
@lynncb123,
A marriage is what you make of it. Coexisting with somebody for life is a lifelong endeavour. Some are made for a life where they are committed to another's happiness, some are made for a life of worrying only about themselves. Look at any life long marriage and you will see few signs of selfishness. Of course, for this to work, both partners must be committed to the same goal and that's not always the case and sometimes you don't figure that out until after the fact.

Monogamy is more rare these days because, from a young age, people are indoctrinated into selfishness​. Look at the word "selfie" and what it means. You snap a picture of yourself to share with others so they can "like" and comment. It serves to purpose but to feed the ego. People blindly post on the internet with no intent beyond tearing down and getting that power buzz of effecting somebody else's feelings. Nobody (generalization) cares about anybody but themselves these days and that is why monogamy seems like a fairy tale.
lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 07:59 pm
@ossobucotemp,
I guess I just feel like there is always going to be some sort of attraction with the opposite sex and if they are giving each other the time of day then one or both of them has some level of physical or emotional attraction. Maybe it's my generation but I'm not sure I just feel like things are different nowadays and not in a good way. You have a point though I guess I do see it that if a guy is talking to you he must be attracted to you. I feel like my husband would have similar thoughts to mine on this viewpoint. When I was working at a dental office some doctors would talk to me more than others which made me think they were probably attracted to me. My husband would agree. I know I'm not hard to look at but then I would notice other women in the office either cheating or just working with the doctors without some weird sexual tension which made me think why can't I have that normalcy? Is it me, is it the way I'm thinking, I don't know but I still feel the same that men and women can't be friends without some attraction.
ehBeth
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 08:04 pm
@lynncb123,
lynncb123 wrote:
I guess I do see it that if a guy is talking to you he must be attracted to you.


nope nope nope

get some counselling asap
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lynncb123
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 08:05 pm
@tibbleinparadise,
I do feel like my husband and I were made for each other. He is my other half, best friend, soulmate and sometimes I feel like he is the male version of me and I guess I'm petrified to loose that. My husband has always seemed like he was in it for the long run and wanted something that would last but of course I question his intentions anyways. I guess I just worry too much because I know people change and we are young.
That last paragraph is very very well said! I couldn't agree more. That is one issues that my generation has and I don't think people realize these things. Thats the reason why my husband and I try not to use social media I realize it will be the death to us all.
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ossobucotemp
 
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Reply Tue 18 Apr, 2017 08:19 pm
@lynncb123,
Sexual tension in laboratories can happen, I'll testify. I'll testify.
It is part of life.
 

 
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