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Tue 11 Apr, 2017 03:11 pm
I'll preface this with I know I'm a terrible person and don't think very highly of myself at the moment, to say the least. I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend, whom I love dearly, for a little over 3 years. I just ended a 7 month fling with another man who was in love with me, but I realized I was making a mistake and ended it. I had a lot of problems with my boyfriend that over the course of my cheating, we ended up working on. Things like a lack of intimacy on his part, a lack of emotional support on his part, treating me rudely, things I thought he would never change, which I guess you can say is part of why I strayed. Subsequently, we've worked through a lot of those issues, and our relationship has become much stronger over the past 7 months. I desperately don't want to lose him. If he found out what I've done, it wouldn't just ruin our relationship, it would destroy him. Inside and out, as a person. I can't do that to him. The guilt is eating me alive, but I can't summon the courage to hurt him like that. He is in grad school and I know he would drop out if I told him. He has no suspicions, and we are moving away from the city we live in in a few months time, to a brand new place with brand new people. I haven't told anyone about this. Not a single person. Not even my best friend. The other guy is the only one who knows, and we ended things on good terms. My question is, what do I do? Is this guilt my cross to bear? Do I suffer in silence with it for God knows how long, knowing full well he likely won't find out, and knowing full well I would NEVER do this again, or is telling him the right thing to do, and in doing so ruing our relationship and his future? (And don't say I don't know if it will ruin his future. I've been with him for 3 years and we live together. I know for a fact it will.)
I feel so horrible I want to die. I know I'm a bad person. I'm not looking for people on the internet to confirm that, just to help give me some perspective, I guess.
@kimcosta89,
If you love him just a little bit don't tell him.
Best way to forget the past and move on is by changing the present.
Grow up!
@kimcosta89,
Get counseling. Start in your current city and then get a referral to another counselor in the place you're moving to.
Unburden yourself to the counselors. That's their job.
And talk about other things, like why you feel you are the linchpin holding your boyfriend together. Because that's a burden that really no one should have to deal with. You're not responsible for your boyfriend's mental health - he is, assuming he's competent and not seeing the walls melting (and you aren't giving any indications that he is).
Truth is, he could use counseling, too (note: I am not a doctor). Whether he goes with you, or alone, he should also explore how things have been going between you two. A move is a big step. Is he sure he wants to take it? Maybe he's looking for the exit sign.
I agree to not tell him as I feel it will do very little good. But you should explore what's going on underneath all of this. Forget the cheating for a moment.
You are not required to be anyone's emotional glue.
Funny I agree with both. Usually I am of the type to say be honest. But sometimes it might not be best.
I still remember the first time I heard this advice given on the radio about someone who had cheated on a significant other and the guilt was eating them up and it was a situation where the cheater realized his error and would never do it again and was a situation where the other person would not find out. On the radio was a well known sex therapist Dr. Ruth who said no good would come of telling the person - it would make things worse.
You need to work on resolving it with yourself. It was a mistake (granted not a good one) but you want your relationship to work - work on your relationship. Counseling as mentioned above may help you work with the issues you have and/or guilt.
@Linkat,
Thank you for your advice. I'm leaning towards not telling him. I genuinely think it would make things worse if I did. I still feel absolutely horrible.
@jespah,
I guess I never thought of it like that. Obviously the situation is extremely complex, and you definitely shed light onto that. However, I know he will not consider therapy, which is somewhat upsetting. Thank you for your advice, it is extremely helpful.
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