Long time anguish - don't know what 2do

Because you are in your mid-40s, I am going to assume your wife is as well and so her mother is, what? 65? 75? Still capable of lots of things (physically)?

Then it's time to take your wife away for the weekend, just the two of you. Find some activity for your kids, e. g. slumber parties or the like, to at least break up the weekend and not have them hanging around with your MIL all weekend. This quick getaway is partly to reconnect, yes, but it is also for you to talk about what is going to happen with your MIL.

I am not talking about threats or arguments. These are questions. Where is your MIL going to live in 20 years? Who will care for her if she becomes disabled? How will you afford college for your children if you are also providing care for her (and either you or your wife cannot work overtime or the like)?

Also, make it about your MIL's health. Just hanging around at home and watching TV is a lousy way to lurch from one day to the next, and perhaps your mother in law is clinically depressed. Hence she needs a doctor's care, and she also needs activities with people of her own age.

See the framing I'm doing here? It's not about your needs or your wife's or your kids'. It's not about your marriage. It's about showing empathy for your MIL. Because I suspect this is the means of reaching your wife.

And see what your wife says. Maybe she is truly concerned. Maybe she doesn't realize her mother might be depressed and is certainly missing out on socializing opportunities with people who are more her speed. And she might not realize that her mother's boredom is causing her to stick her nose into everything and it's driving a wedge into your family. But it's best if your wife comes to those conclusions and not you telling her, okay? You lay the foundation; let her build the house.

As for your kids, again, given your age, I suspect your kids are somewhere between 8 and 18 and that means they are going to have problems with parental authority anyway; it's just that your MIL is exploiting that. So it might be worthwhile to connect with your children separately in some other fashion. Go to a movie with one of them. Take another one to a ball game. Or a nature walk or a local legitimate theater or be the one to take them to hockey practice (and more than once, I might add), or whatever is appropriate and fitting. Be their father. Give them the one on one attention your MIL is already giving them.

And hang in there. If you think it's all too much, I do suggest at least trying for a while, possibly with couples counseling or individual therapy. I've got no problem with divorce, but there are children involved and so I firmly believe, unless there is abuse (which there isn't), then parents should give it at least the old college try before calling it quits. By that same token, though, you need not stay together for "the sake of" your children. They will know and they will resent that. Your marriage isn't their burden.

Hi, Jespah, thank you so much for your reply. Obviously more to tell. Your advice is interesting and perhaps a smart angle. I must tell you, the MIL is pure evil when it comes to me. She poisons my wife's head 24/7, and then I hear MIL's words out of my wife's mouth - and that makes me so extremely frustrated and upset. I am beginning to resent my wife, even though I have longed for her to be a friend, confidant, wife, partner, lover. My wife was a very independent young lady when I met her. She was growing up with her grandparents. Her grandmother, who I called my own, was a 1 in a million pro family, wonderful golden hearted human being. When we first married, we lived blissfully together for 6 months until we got our apartment. She was the wise old owl and rock of our family. Very strong woman. She treated me like her own son, and I went above and beyond her. She would douse the flames with water, while MIL (hard to believe she gave birth to her), would pour gasoline on the fire. Even encouraging my wife to get away from me "One-by-one" she always mumbles. When grandmother died, and other things went bad, that's the time when MIL and my wife suddenly became like glue. It insidiously snuck up on me, while I was working and she needed mommy to "help" during the day. Til one day she just brought her bags here, and never left. Totally cramping my style, and making me uncomfortable in my own home. Comments about EVERYTHING - diareah of the mouth. She has even tried to poison my kids minds against me. They tell me a lot of things (is that not a form of abuse?).
I would be all for marriage counseling, and getaways, but MIL cannot stay with kids. We have a very small family (ironic she wants DAD to disappear so bad.) MY WIFE shown no interest in counseling, and probably would reject any getaways. In fact, my son saying we should go away somewhere for spring break (which would be GREAT in my opinion too), she's looking around for accommodations to take MIL TOO! Over my dead body - I'd rather go to do ROOT CANAL than go on "vacation" with MIL. That's where my wife's mind is. MIL has a son who lives in her apt, who she pays NO attention to, and should go to. I've texted him to come get his mother, but this relationship is estranged - and btw, he despises his own mother.
To give an example of how "kind" MIL is to me, when I broke my foot last year, (incidentally grilling for the kids food), she saw me 1st day crawl up the stairs saying I deserved it, and should break my other foot. She is a MISERABLE MONSTER. And my wife thinks this is ok?? Respect has gone out the window. How about humane treatment? If someone had said one sentence of what MIL says to me on a daily basis to my wife, that person would be six feet under. But yet she lets this woman unload her venomous diatribe on me daily, and narely a peep. MIL follows me around the room with dirty looks, and I try hard to ignore it. Shes looking to get in my face and start a confrontation.
And all the incidental enjoyable bonding and conversation - I hear them chit chatting ALL day when I'm around, I get NOTHING. I get take the garbage out, pick up X from the store, here's food, OR accusations of blame for something I didn't do. My wife has NEVER spoke about other men, and better life, and this one's rich, successful, etc. etc., UNTIL MIL here actively undermining my marriage.
I don't want to leave - let alone leave my kids to HER devices. She's really a sick woman and my wife just doesnt see that - well I will hear them fight and argue, and of course I stay out of it. But MIL treats her like a little girl and she just lets it be. :-(
OH, and this woman sorry is a lazy ass cow - doesn't do anything here - once in a while cooks something for kids or washes a floor - everything else I and my wife do. MIL even protests doing dishes, leaving it to me to do - on purpose. I do laundry, shopping, change sheets ,e tc. I am the ONLY worker and sole provider here, and my wife (and MIL) clearly bites the hand. When it snows, I'm right out there clearing a pathway. I'm getting tired, and losing my enthusiasm, even with work - bc I feel I'm doing it all in vain.
SHe advises and counsels with her mother, then expects me to execute the plan. Like school issues, letters, disputes, etc. Who needs MIL's lousy and 5th century advice. Apparently my wife who becomes more and more HER each day.

Ai yi yi.

So, to use the technical term, it sucks. And yeah, I would say your MIL is abusing you. I also think her son is thrilled that she's gone. He got to unload the hot potato on you. I bet he's dancing till dawn about that.

You still need to divide and conquer here, I feel. Even if it's just one of your children. Put some distance for your own sanity and for your child's own development.

And hire help to clean, etc. I know that's easier said than done, and I recognize it's not cheap. Even if it's just once a month, it would be a break for you. And if anyone bitches about the cost, they can be told to do the vacuuming etc if the cost is of such concern to them.

You need to lay down the law with your wife. I don't love ultimatums, but this is killing you, and it might even be literally doing so. Stress is awful, and long-term stress does damage.

So tell your wife that you are going to counseling in order to deal with things. And she can go with you, or you will go alone. Either way, you are going. But if she wants to preserve your marriage, then strongly suggest that she come along. I believe you need another adult in the room to clue your wife in on what is going on.

Couples should be partners and should at least try to present a united front when it comes to such things. Ben Franklin said house guests begin stink after four days. You've had your four days and then some. Your MIL needs to go back to her own home because your kids don't need her care anymore and she has her own place. Period.

My own take is that this is all too far gone, but with some hope re what Jespah says, that is worth checking out.

Your wife seems captive. If I were you, and I'm not, I'm a woman, I would bail ship.

In my own marriage of some long and good years but not all, I had the backup of my husband and his brother, re the matter of me. The parents didn't come to the wedding.. this all related to both religion and my age, as I was older.
We were superseded as awful when brother married a woman from Africa.

Anyway, their father got to like me; he was a man with low education and massive reading, and his distaste for me broke down into liking me, somewhat. The mother mellowed a bit.

For you, though, if I were you, I'd get out of the marriage. I get that is hard.

Hi, appreciate your reply (and the other poster). Jespah, I feel I have been dying every day. I let myself go in terms of weight - totally too many sizes too big - although I have gone to bed w/o dinner due to my depression. All I ever did was lobby for our family to get along and go out/away together. There is divide and conquer going on, and I'm being divided from my family and conquered. :-( I have said repeatedly ad nauseum, A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF -WILL NOT STAND. The weird thing, is that when my wife and I are at its most intense arguments - BOOM something happens with the house or kids, and suddenly we need to work together. Some strange karma trying to bring us together - but my wife is CLUELESS. She constantly complains to her mom about me. And of course, when things are good between us, the MIL didn't get the memo - so MIL actually will try to put a damper on it. The woman MIL is a true sinner, the way she treats me. She'd love for me to leave, and send my son off somewhere so it could be "US GIRLS" - she is a man-hating angry miserable negative pipebomb - and those are her nice qualities. Not for nothing, i have as my wife asks picked up meds or shopping, or drove her somewhere, against my will, but bc and only for my wife. I asked her NOT to put me in those situation ever, MIL never even once said thank you.
My wife has become very aggressive and confrontational with me. Over nothing sometimes, and will even just make up something to start with me over. She is a stubborn brick.
YES, she needs another ADULT (not her mom who is a large angry child) to enlighten her. I've tried reasoning, romance, pleading, begging, CRYING, cold shoulder, and ALWAYS GET NOWHERE ultimately. She calls me paranoid and mental - I TELL HER MIL ACTUALLY WALKS AROUND GIVING ME THE FINGER AND FU GESTURE BEHIND MY BACK!! - MY KIDS HAVE CONFIRMED THIS. MIL tells my wife I'm not a man , husband or father - which if I had low self esteem - would be devastating - but its a joke, given the reality of the situation. I have tried to get FIL involved, but he basically said 20 yrs ago this woman was my problem, now she's yours - BUT SHE SHOULDN'T BE!! I married their daughter, NOT MIL (god forbid). Even MIL's own cousins think (Aunts) think she lost her mind and can't believe she sits here 24/7 ruining our marriage - BUT THEY don't want to get involved. I even broke down and went to one of her childhood and mutual friend - the one who introduced us. And after that, she no longer talks to her. Not what I wanted, but the result.
My wife doesn't even know how to argue with me. Every little thing like I forgot shut a light off, is like I cheated on her the way she argues and yells. I can't take the daily drama - most times I ignore not to ignite a larger war and get the kids involved or hear. But the MIL washes my bones 24/7 literally every time I walk in or out of the room, comment, insult, curse. How did this happen?? Can i save my marriage? I think I do need counseling, but she will never go. Please keep up you good advice. Thank you!

You would not be the first person, ever, to medicate depression with food.

Exercise would help, at least to get you out of the house and give you some positives in life. And take one of your daughters (I think you had said you had more than one?) with you. Get them, in turn, away from this toxic environment.

I suspect this is all going to come to crashing halt soon anyway, as either you will be so fed up or your wife will finally be pushed to pull the trigger on a divorce. And so this is stopgap; it's really just intended to make it easier to work with your kids and wife post-marriage, because everything seems to barrelling toward that one conclusion.

I still think therapy is a good idea (hey, it can't hurt). Also find out if your local hospital has a weight loss program of some sort, as it could be a focus for your attentions/ideas in that area. I go to mine (which reminds me, I have an appointment this week) and they have just been lovely. It would be an activity and something on the calendar that is for you and you only.

BTW, I am not a doctor. Did I mention that before?

Anyway, oy, hang in there, at least for the time being. If it is going to end, then at least create as soft a landing for yourself as possible. I bet your MIL hasn't told your wife about the economic aspects of divorce, and that they impact women far more than they do men.

Yes, I am wanting to focus on my health and weigh loss effort, which has been negative to date. As the weather gets warmer, I'll want to take long walks again.
This has been going on too long, in my opinion, but I will tell you, its ALWAYS been my goal to SAVE our marriage. I know my kids would be extremely depressed, and my son is NOT good at change (and this would be a life-altering one). I keep thinking I would try to exhaust every possible option before I went down that road. Why a miserable divorced MIL and wife who lived through this would be so eager to go there again, and now make another generation of kids (the ones they claim they love so much) go through this. People have always been somewhat envious of the "perfect family" we have - hah! I have lost friends, some who are still single, bc of it. We have no extended support system (and believe me it takes a village to raise kids). Our village is a shack, so to speak. My wife knows I am saddened by the lack of their uncle and grandfather in our lives. My son has taken on one of the FILs hobbies big time (with me) - he doesn't even know bc he hasn't been around. I believe deeply that their continous presence and OTHER MALE INFLUENCE, would be extremely life-saving and beneficial to our family. But the brother doesn't talk to my wife, hates his mom, and FIL has been in self-exile for over 1 year now. It's ashamed. My kids would light up when they are around, and anytime we have company.
Given that my wife calls my name 5000 times a day to help and intervene with things, and the sole provider, it's so ironic that she is so arrogant and sure she can get on without me. Even she says she'll hire people or get "another guy" to help out. I'm sure guys are lining up for a 40 something woman with 3 kids, and a MIL hanging on their head. Just what every guy wants. And again therein lies the problem :-(
Even though my wife loves high drama and chaos, I don't believe she means every bit of it, but it's getting shrill and old, and MIL loves every bit of it. More later. Thanks

Well, guess no one else has any thoughts on this. ? Thx

Did you read mine?

Rereading, I guess you did.

I did read. Getting out isn't easy. My kids depend on me

so, here's an example of that MONSTER-IN-LAW wielded her ax. I'm sitting quietly with my wife, FINALLY, bc we are trying to make a plan to take kids somewhere. I just finished a bunch of chores. ALL OF THE SUDDEN,, MIL "WHAT "MAN" (in a mocking tone) sits on his ass doing nothing. Why can't he do X. WTF? It was was quiet before she opened her pie hole. MIL can't STAND IT when I'm with my wife/her daughter - she does this to chase me away, and so it will end up with my wife going with MIL and my girls alone (leaving me with my son). Happens most times!! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? This coming from a lazy woman who sits with her ASS on the couch ALL day watching soap operas, reality midgets, kardashians and other assorted garbage on MY TV! She isn't even like a grandma helping out. I dust, do laundry, garbage, change bedding....WHAT NERVE!! But the worst part of it, is my wife sits quietly.